It didn't used to be that way. It's a bad habit that developed over time.
I don't mean to do it, I just think I can accomplish more than is humanly possible in a finite amount of minutes, hours, or days, and as a result, I get caught short.
I can joke that the laws of space and time don't apply to me, but the deeper truth is it's probably rooted in pride. I suffer from Super-Toni syndrome. A friend even gave me a picture once that said "I'm fairly certain, if given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world."
But this time, my reason for being "tardy" is different.
I did wait on purpose.
I waited because I didn't want it to be about me and what I thought God wanted. I waited to listen to what He actually had to say. I've been in a dry place and my hearing hasn't been so good lately.
Truth is, I wasn't just in a dry place, I was completely dehydrated.
Even in a year when my "one word" was balance and I worked hard to fill my soul by more learning ABOUT Him, I wasn't really spending time WITH Him. In my last post, I wrote "I said 'no' to activities in order to spend time alone in reflective quiet..." And I did say no to outside activities. I just whittled a lot of that reflective time away not reflecting so much as vegging out internally.
Doing nothing and spending deliberate time waiting in God's presence are two entirely different things.
I need to spend quality time one-on-one having casual conversations and heart to heart talks.
Instead, I've been hiding from Him like the squirrel in the picture hiding in the grass, grasping the "nut" of my heart for dear life, not wanting to let go. Why? I'm not sure I could articulate it.
What I can say is that it's not the first dry spell I've been through and it probably won't be the last. I've lived in God's presence and I've lived on the outskirts and the former is infinitely better than the latter.
But I'm human.
It's not an excuse, just an observation of our fallen condition. We strive to be like Him, but we fall short. We've ALL fallen short of God's glory.
So all that to say a few weeks after others have talked about theirs, I'm finally ready to reveal my "one word" for the year.
Seek.
I want to seek His presence, His love, His grace, His mercy, His wisdom, His forgiveness. His peace.
Seek is a big word.
Only four letters long, it encompasses a lifetime of longing. A lifetime of pursuit. A lifetime of discovery.
While I was still waiting on the word, I went back to an app I'd used sporadically in the past year called First 15. I knew from years of walking with Him that the hiding needed to stop. I needed to start the day in His presence. I had to push through the dry to get back to the well of living water.
The very first devotional for the year was entitled "What Does It Mean to Have Time Alone With God?"
Day after day, I saw the words "seek" and "presence" in everything I read.
Although Matthew 6:33 was rolling around in the back of my mind - "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.", it sounded so huge. The kingdom of God. AND His righteousness. Tall order. How vast is God's kingdom? How all-encompassing His righteousness? Where on earth would I start? (no pun intended!)
Then God opened my eyes to a verse yesterday I've read many times.
"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer. 29:13)
Simple. Direct. Seek Him. He'll make Himself known. He wants to be found.
God's not hiding and neither should I.
This year, this month, this day, this hour, this minute...I will seek.
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