When Trust Is All You Have

The judge handed down a preliminary decision.  It was not what my attorney and I expected. It was not what anyone thought would happen.

"It's still not over" my lawyer counseled.  We'll go before the judge tomorrow and make our case.

The next day, we discovered we were not on the docket. Even after clearing up the communication error, the judge refused to see us. The preliminary decision, in all its unfairness, was final.

It was a crushing blow.

Tears flowed down my face as I tried to wrap my mind around what this all meant and what my next step would be.

"We'll file a motion to have it reviewed.  We'll send along some new information."

Weeks went by.  The court date was moved a week and I couldn't be there in person.  Then more waiting. Somehow, the review decision took more than a month and a half to reach me after it was made.

Declined.

I got angry.

I felt my attorney had failed me.  The judicial system had failed me.  And God?  Where was He in all of this?

On December 31st I wrote about my "one word" for the new year.  I had no idea what it would be.  I'd prayed about it, debated on it, but didn't know what it was until, as I looked over what I had written in the post so far, I saw one word surface over and over again.  

Trust.

I braced myself.  I've walked with God long enough to know a word like that means lessons are going to be learned.  You don't trust without being put in situations where you have to exercise it.  

So where was God?  Right here.  Waiting for my decision.

Would I trust Him?

Would I believe He was still good if things didn't work out as I expected?

In a devotional entitled "False Security", I read these words "are you depending more on God's provision than on God himself?

I had to think about that.  I wasn't sure I'd ever separated the two entities in my mind.

When I first entered this battle, I was okay.  I had this - I've trusted God before.  He's provided...

Money. And from the craziest places - for expenses like food, gas, insurance, utilities.  It's a good thing He has cattle on a thousand hills, because I know more than a few have been sold on my behalf.

A job. One that He not only placed me in, but preserved through some very shaky times when others were not as fortunate, including a company sale this past May.

A car. I was blessed with the donation of (yes, as in free) a 2005 Nissan Altima when my Pathfinder gave up the ghost at 262,000 miles a little more than a year ago.

Each time a need arose, I brought it to Him, confident I could trust Him to provide.

But this time, no provision is evident. I'm in the 11th hour and I still see no definite way out. In fact, it seems like everything I could possibly lean on is being kicked out from under me.

When I was given my word, I was also given a scripture. Proverbs 3:5 & 6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."

Lean not on your own understanding...trust in the Lord. Could it be any more plain?

In fact, every day this year...all 46 of them so far...God has shown me the word trust. In scripture. In song. In the email of a friend.  In a devotional. In a picture posted on Facebook. Even in the title of a book I was given for my birthday. The word "trust" has become ubiquitous.

I'm on the look out for it now. Excited to see how it will appear. Knowing that seeing it is a promise from God...a personal gift, just for me.

As I write this today, the circumstances have not changed. The judge didn't suddenly change his mind. Things haven't turned in my favor. The way forward is not crystal clear.

What has changed is my attitude. I have laid it all down. I am taking days one at a time, holding on to His hand, confident that while I cannot see where any of this leads, He does. His provision is still there, even if it looks different than I imagined.

I love Ephesians 3:20. Today it has come in front of me 4 times. 4 times!! Talk about confirmation. Ephesians 3:20 says this..."Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us..."

I imagined an outcome that I did not receive. But God is able to give me immeasurably more.

I was going to quote Psalm 84:11 here - "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." and then my eyes fell on the next verse..."O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Thank you Jesus - I found my word trust for today.

photo credit

Negative Balance...Positive Lesson

I was driving home from a friend's house last night, my mind processing the events of  the day.  It had been a busy one...Fridays always are in my industry and the last six weeks of the year are always the craziest.  Usually I eat a home-made lunch at my desk, but I had rushed out empty-handed that morning.  By 1:30 I was really hungry,  so a brief trip to a local eatery of some sort was in order.  I called a local diner, ordered a grilled cheese with tomato and bacon and a few minutes later went downstairs to hit the ATM.  I pulled out $60 so I could also get gas on the way home.  As I looked down at the ATM slip, I was shocked to see a negative figure, especially since payday had only been 3 days prior.

I turned right around and headed into the bank to put the money back in and get back on the plus side...albeit only by a few dollars.  I told the teller what had transpired and she brought my account up on the screen.  It was all there in black and white...after paying all my bills I had less than $5 to make it through the next 12 days.  I remembered an uncashed check for $16 in my wallet, so I deposited that too, bringing my grand total up to $20 and change.  I live modestly, but the reality is still that it's generally hand to mouth.  I truly make it through by faith in God's grace and provision, but this was a bad situation even by my standards.  I now realize where things got off track - it's actually a number of factors coming together - but unfortunately, I hadn't been paying attention closely enough to avoid the problem.

As I left the building again, I said under my breath 'God, how am I going to get through these 2 weeks?'  I'd pretty much lost my appetite at this point, but I felt bad - I'd ordered the sandwich, so I went to go pick it up.  When I arrived at the diner, I dug out my credit card.  I've been trying to pay them down and hated to use it for something so trivial.  Inside, I handed it over to pay the $6 bill.  The man behind the counter pointed to a sign I hadn't seen - "$10 credit card minimum".  "There's an ATM in the lobby" he said.  "I don't have cash" I countered.  "No, there's an ATM for you to get cash in the lobby."  "I understood you" I said again..."I have two dollars on me and this card...that's all.  He shook his head.  "Then I guess I won't be able to buy the sandwich."  He let me walk out the door.  I assume he wasted the food by throwing it out rather than relent on the $10 minimum.  I know credit card companies charge a fee and that was the reason for the minimum, but by sticking to his guns, no one won.  He probably lost as much money on that food as he would have by taking my card.  For myself, I was utterly humiliated at the exchange, crying as I got to my car.

I was embarrassed, frustrated with my lack of attention to detail that landed me in this spot, and hungry.  I headed to Wawa to pick up something because I knew they wouldn't turn down my card.  I picked up a sandwich, diet soda and two little York peppermint patties because, as I'm sure everyone knows, chocolate is the great spirit lifter lol.  Once back at my desk, I finished out the day.

At that point, it was time to turn my attention back to my paltry account to make sure no more surprises were in store.  I have a lot of things automatically withdrawn which assures things get paid on time, but a problem can arise if there's a hiccup in a utility bill for example.  The phone rang, interrupting my worrying, and a friend of mine asked if I was still at work.  She invited invited me over for dinner.

While we chatted at her kitchen table, I shared the story of my mistake and ensuing embarrassment.  She didn't say much at the time, but before I left, she passed me $40.  When I protested, she said "I've been there, I understand."

So there I was, on my way home, thinking about the money I had and how best to utilize it to make it through, when the car in front of me slowed down.  There weren't a whole lot of cars on the road and the light up ahead was green so it annoyed me that the vehicle seemed to be slowing for no reason.

I threw my blinker on, got in the left hand lane and was just about to pick up speed when I saw it.  A very confused doe, unsure of whether to run back to the woods on our right, or take her chances by continuing on.  I immediately hit my brakes, and looked to my right because I knew where one deer was present, more were sure to follow.  In fact, there was at least one other deer on the side of the road, watching to see how this would all play out, wondering if she should stay put or venture into the melee.  The doe in front of me finally opted to run on to the left side of the street.

As I watched all this transpire in a matter of seconds,  I thought about the impatience that almost cost me an accident.  "Thank you Lord for protecting me."

How often do we put ourselves in harm's way?  God has us traveling at a certain speed for a reason, but all we see is a road block - something that's slowing us down from getting where we want to go at the pace we want to get there.  Instead of trusting that He knows best, we take matters into our own hands and wind up in a dangerous situation... maybe even a wreck.  Only then do we see some of the bigger picture and realize that God wasn't trying to frustrate us or keep something from us - He was saving us and protecting us from harm.

It's the same with my money issue.  I made an assumption based on the only thing I chose to look at - a sum of money had been deposited a few days before.  I hadn't taken the time to tally all the obligations I'd met to realize there was nothing left.  I was spent, and it resulted in my embarrassment at the bank and in the diner. Isn't it the same way with our lives sometimes?  All the little sins add up until one day our world comes crashing down.  We think we're 'okay' not realizing how the little things are chipping away and then suddenly the mess is exposed.  Only then do we turn to God to ask 'what do I do?'

When we take our eyes and minds off God and start to put trust in what we think we know, disaster follows. The Bible says in Proverbs 16:25, "There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death."

I'm not sure what these next two weeks hold.  Not sure where the funds will come from to get me through although He's already provided some gas money via my friend.  But, through the events of yesterday, I am reminded of what God said in Matthew 6:27 - 33 "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own." 

Not long ago, my son had this "accusation" for me.  "I think you see God in too much...I don't think He's as responsible for as much as you give Him credit for."  While hearing those words from my son saddened me on one hand, on the other, I was glad that an all consuming trust in God is what he sees when he looks at me.  Because trusting in God for everything...everything...finances, protection, day to day provision, and more...is not a Pollyana approach to life.  It's faith, pure and simple...and I learn that lesson more and more every day.