Of Grace, Mercy, and Mini Fridges

He hurt me. Not physically, but there were still scars.

My friends know most of the story. Many blog followers have read the resulting journey over the past few years.

But recently, there was a twist to my story that I never saw coming. Something changed and I know it's nothing but God.

A few weeks ago, out of the blue, I received a call from my ex-husband. Once cocky, antagonistic, and proud, he has been beaten down by life.

I am not happy about this. I am not gloating over his misfortune. I don't believe karma has come calling. 

What I think God may be doing is priming his heart to hear His truth. 

During the call, I learned he's pretty much lost everything. A four year dating relationship ended. Unable to find a management position for several years, he's delivering pizzas for a "living"...if you can call making under $250 for 40 hours worth of work, a living. He now resides in someone's basement and often when he stores his food in their kitchen, they help themselves to it.

He kept saying "what am I missing?  I feel like this is the end for me. It will never get better. My life is over. There's no way out. What am I not doing right?"

I let him go on in this manner for half an hour before speaking.

"You're missing what you've always been missing. God. You need Him in your life. You need to get on your knees, confess your sins, and ask Jesus into your heart."

That may sound like a harsh response, but the Truth is the truth and it needed to be said. My tone was not critical, but concerned. For all our difficulties, I have no desire to see him spend eternity in hell.

We talked for a few more minutes and said goodbye. I was shocked to discover compassion welling up inside me. The desperation in his voice moved me to action.

I went on Facebook to a local online yard sale page and said I was in search of a mini fridge. Within minutes someone sent me pictures and I agreed to purchase it.

I texted my ex and told him where to meet me the following day in order to pick up the fridge. He said he didn't have enough gas to get there but he'd figure something out.

We met at the woman's address and loaded the refrigerator into his friend's jeep. I also handed him two bags of groceries from the food pantry I run as well as some gift cards for gas. I could tell he was overwhelmed and uncomfortable receiving the help. He teared up as he thanked me over and over. It was strange seeing him like this.

I asked if he'd eaten that day. "Half a peanut butter sandwich" was the reply. I treated him to pizza and handed him the change from the $20. He told me it was the first time he'd felt like a human being in months.

A few days later he contacted me again saying someone had found the resume he'd posted on line eons ago and he had an interview.

"Can you believe that?"

Once again, I had an opportunity to point him toward God.

"Yes, I can. That's how God works. A few days ago you said you couldn't see a way out. That things would never get better. But God shows Himself in impossible situations. He comes out of left field, and provides in a way that our limited imagination could never conceive. He does it so that He gets the glory. There's no explanation other than God."

I don't know what the results of that interview will be, but I know that a man who was desperate...who confessed to being depressed to the point of being suicidal...has renewed hope. I don't know what the results of my words will be either, but I pray they will ultimately lead to a renewed life.

I could have kicked my ex-husband when he was down, pointing to any number of hardships his actions have caused me. I could have done nothing, considering his circumstances payback for what he's put me through. Many would say either response was justifiable. But God responds to hurts with grace and mercy.

Grace came in the form of the miracle God did in my heart.

He gave me the gift of supernatural forgiveness. A desire to help when it would have been easy to turn a blind eye. Compassion to see the need. A heart to share His eternal truth.

And God's mercy?

It takes on many forms, but this time it looked remarkably like a mini-fridge in the back of a borrowed jeep.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Fifteen weeks ago, I learned my daughter and her husband were expecting my first grandchild.

To realize my "little girl" is becoming a mother herself is a surreal experience.



And to say it was an exciting moment, would not do the depth of my joy justice.

As I ponder this miracle, the words of the psalmist take on new meaning...

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:13-16)

Yes, we can now see the development of this tiny babe who is just 5 months old. We see hands and feet, eyelids and nose, even, through the miracle of 3D ultrasound, the chambers of her heart and her bones!

But God saw her when she was unformed. 

Before my daughter had any inkling that life had been created inside her, He saw the cells dividing and forming.

Before anything appeared on a doctor's monitor, He knew her sex, her eventual height and weight, the timbre of her voice.

Before we meet her face to face and watch her grow from infant to toddler, child to teen, young woman to adult, He knows her eye and hair color, her skills and gifts, her temperament.

He knits her together, bone and muscle and brain, and He knows all that will happen in her life.

She is fearfully and wonderfully made.

His works are wonderful. But do I know that full well?

I ask the question because I've also pondered other things lately...about myself.

Things that seem not quite so miraculous and wondrous. I ask the question:

As I grow older and things begin to wrinkle a bit here, sag a bit there.

As I reach for the box of color a little more often to cover my "stubborn gray".

As it takes a little longer to recover from the aches and pains of exercising at the gym.

As I begin to look in the mirror and some days, struggle to believe there is beauty and potential in the face looking back at me.

But I too am fearfully and wonderfully made.

He does not create and walk away. His works are wondrous at every age.

He knew the timing of that first gray hair. His word tells me "Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life." (Proverbs 16:31)

He knew that my body would slow down a bit, but He says "Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

He knew despite the wrinkles and sags, I am still full of potential and He can and will use me. "The righteous will flourish like a palm tree...They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green..." (Psalm 92: 12-14)

Yes, my unborn granddaughter, me, you...all of us are fearfully and wonderfully made.

And I know that full well.



  

An Abundance of Wisdom

I can't believe it.

It feels like just yesterday we were clinking glasses and making resolutions. And today, almost a full month has gone by.

The new year, brimming with hope and possibilities, is already 1/12 over.

Where does the time go?

Each year, I pray about a word to meditate on for the coming year. Last year that word was abundance.

From my vantage point at work, abundance took on many different forms: a garden and a relationship with a local farm that provided healthy food alternatives for hundreds using our food pantry.

The idea of raising chickens as a source of fresh eggs was birthed. We intend to start a flock in the coming months.

Hundreds of volunteers gave of their time, treasure, and talents at events as well as on-going initiatives.

Eleven vehicles were donated out to single moms in need and two of the women from our life skills workshops are now homeowners!

All these blessings show the abundance of God's grace and I was excited to be used in the process.

But I am also the beneficiary of an abundance of God's love and mercy, forgiveness and favor.

I truly want for nothing. A place to live, food to eat, a car to drive, a job I'm passionate about, children I love, friendships I treasure...I am wealthy beyond measure.

And that leads me to my One Word for this next year.

I considered Gratitude long and hard. I want to make sure I always remember God's abundance is a gift never to be taken for granted.

I also prayed about Obedience. I have a stone on my desk that says "Obedience" on one side and "Seek Him in Everything" on the other. I want to stay in His will because life is just too hard when I fight for my own imperfect desires over His master plan for me.

But I think this is the year to meditate on Wisdom. 

Daily I make or influence decisions that have a major impact on other people's lives. It can be a heart-wrenching, difficult process.

That's not an overstatement or dramatization. No one envies me my job because it's hard. Too hard to do based on my own knowledge and leaning on my own experience. I am tasked with being a good steward of funds while being compassionate to those who are hurting. I listen to so many stories of brokenness and need that more than once I've wished I had a degree in counseling or formal experience in social work to be better equipped.

The truth is, what I really require isn't earthly knowledge but wisdom of a divine nature. 

An abundance of wisdom.

While it is a huge part of my existence, work is not the only place wisdom is needed. Every day, just like all of you, I am faced with the choice to utter words that can hurt or heal. To make decisions that can prosper or ruin me. To be foolhardy or wise in a myriad of ways.

I'm not foolish enough to believe that this year every decision made will be a wise one.

But I am praying that I will seek God's wisdom, be obedient to His leading, and be grateful for His answers no matter what.

What are you asking God for this year?

The Unexpected Gift

"All I want is a weekend where I can do nothing and not feel guilty about it. Just take in the beautiful fall weather with a walk, or bike ride, or something relaxing. Maybe next weekend...pray I can set that boundary and stick to it. I think my heart needs that."

I recently wrote those words to a friend, not really believing down time would or could happen.

I had just about every waking minute of October scheduled. Much of it was part of a large project at work, but there were also a number of social engagements that I was committed to for one reason or another. 

My prayer request felt like an impossible dream. 

And then, the phone rang. 

It was another friend inviting me to a weekend away at a local retreat center. Although it was a sold out event, one of her party had a family emergency leaving an opening. The retreat weekend was just two days away - could I make it?

I looked at the calendar. I poured over my planner. I went back to the calendar and racked my brain, sure I must be forgetting something.

But there was nothing. The upcoming weekend was absolutely free from Friday evening through Sunday afternoon. The only string of open days the entire month.

It was an answer to prayer and my answer to her was...yes!

I often say that God is in the details. That He cares about every aspect of our lives. So I don't know why I am always amazed when He answers a personal pray like this.

I hadn't been to this particular retreat center in years other than a day visit last summer. It's only a 45 minute drive at best, but I was already feeling relaxed by the time we drove onto the property.

The speaker for the weekend was Damaris Carbaugh. 

Damaris has had a decades long solo singing career as well as being a soloist with the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir. I've heard her beautiful, rich voice, but never saw her in person or heard her speak. I had no idea the treat I was in for.

She spent the weekend speaking on one verse - Romans 11:36. "For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen." 

A verse I'm sure I've read often. Or maybe I should say skimmed over, breezed through, or perhaps glanced at, because if you'd have asked me before that weekend if 2 1/2 days of teaching could come from that portion of a doxology, I would have said 'no'.

But in those 2 1/2 days, God reminded me that all good things are from Him alone. And when I suffer hardships, they have been filtered through Him, allowed sometimes for reasons I can't comprehend, but always worked together for my good in the end. And to Him - my praises and my cries - all things should go. 

In the midst of those words of encouragement I was able to relax. There were plenty of options to do things in our down time, but I didn't join in.

Instead I chose to take a walk. Sit by the lake. Warm myself near a bonfire. Nap. Work on my book. 

I wanted to open this unexpected gift and enjoy it fully.

Sunday afternoon came all too quickly, but even upon my return home, I was able to take one last nap.

Monday morning I plunged headlong into a very difficult and emotionally taxing week. 

I knew my unexpected gift was meant to recharge me and prepare me for the road ahead.

And I was grateful. "To Him be the glory. Amen!"

Has God ever answered your prayer or met your need in an unexpected way?  Please share it in the comments!

An Angel of Light

It's been a difficult week at work. Lots of phone calls, hard stories, and need. 

The toughest part is that sometimes, I have to be the bearer of bad news. We can't help everyone who walks through our doors. 

On days like that, it's easy to get down. Whether I'm met with tears or harsh words (yes, people do lead with feelings of anger sometimes), it hurts not being able to help.

But yesterday, something happened that reminded me anew why I'm blessed to do what I do.

The woman had called the night before. Her message was a bit generic, saying she'd fallen on some hard times and needed help.

I jotted down her name and number before leaving for the evening.

The following day, there were more messages and more issues to address. Before I knew it, the clock read 6:30, and as I did a quick review of the message book before heading to my small group meeting, I realized I'd never called her back.

I dialed her number and explained who I was, where I was from, and that I was returning her call, apologizing for the day long delay.

Once again, she talked to me in general terms about needing help. I stopped her and asked where she lived. 

We assist residents from 14 towns, and often receive calls outside that area. It sounds terrible, but sometimes I'm grateful I'm able to sort people out due to geographic location, simply because there are so many requests for help.

She told me the town and I launched into my spiel. "I'm very sorry, but we have limited our assistance to a 10 mile radius around the church, and you are too far. You should call 2-1-1 to get information on organizations and churches closer to where you live." 

I could hear the desperation in her voice.

"Please don't say that. No one seems to be able to help me. Do you know where I am right now?"

"No."

"In my car, outside a Wawa. I'm looking for a friendly face to approach and ask if they'll buy a sandwich so I can go home and feed my daughter. I'm a teacher. I ate today with the kids, but my daughter hasn't had a meal."

I felt a lump in my throat.

It can be easy to become jaded in this line of work. People can take advantage or look to you to bail them out of their bad decisions.

But I felt this woman was different. She was speaking from the heart.

She went on to say something about her husband not being around, but I didn't really catch it.

I asked if she could come to the church right away. I told her I'd open the food pantry so she could get some things.

She arrived half an hour later and we walked to The Pantry where she shopped timidly, obviously trying not to take too much. I told her to take what she needed and asked about her husband.

The young woman stopped and turned toward me, tears streaming down her face.  She shared how her husband was an alcoholic, in his 3rd rehab, but this time it was Christian-based and she prayed it would make the difference.

She went on to say "You know, I have faith, but I've been on the edge lately just trying to make ends meet. Tonight, sitting in my car, I asked God to show me He was real and send me an angel. Then you called. I had forgotten I'd even reached out to your church. When I saw the number pop up, I almost didn't answer because I didn't recognize it. But you were that angel."

I thanked her for the kind words, but told her I wasn't an angel, I was just doing my job.

"You are an angel" she insisted. "You know what angels do, right? They spread light. You provided light for me on a very dark night."

We both started to cry, and then she pulled out her phone to show me a short video of her husband. He was at Adult Challenge in Vermont. Adult Challenge is the adult side of the Teen Challenge ministry. That particular campus ministers to adult men caught in the web of alcohol and drug addiction.

The men were all dressed in black pants, white shirts and dark-colored ties. The camera panned across the group and she pointed him out. They were singing "my chains are gone, I've been set free".

Once again tears streamed down her face and she spoke softly "I pray this time his chains are truly broken."

Eventually, conversation moved to The Pantry, the church services, and finally, she asked how I came to be there. I shared a little of my story.

She looked at me with the biggest smile and said "you've done all that and you don't think you're an angel of light? God is using you - and you were sent to be my angel today."

When all was said and done, we had spent an hour together.

She left with food and the promise of returning on Sunday to check out the services.

I left the encounter encouraged that I'm not laboring in vain.

Perhaps, we were angels to each other.

And I love that God used my unintended delay in returning that phone call to meet her need at exactly the right moment.

When it comes to being a light, God's got a corner on the market. "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17