Divine Telephone Tag

I retrieved a pretty typical message from a caller who wanted a food pantry appointment.

I called back, got her voicemail, and left a message to return my call.

Tag was officially in play when she called back the next day and spoke to a volunteer who didn't have the schedule. Once again, I received her message.


It was another day before I could connect with her.

"Hello?" Her voice cracked a bit and I thought maybe she had a cold.

"Hey, we finally connected! When did you want to come in?"

She gave me a date, but her voice sounded awful.

"Are you sick?"

"No, I'm just having a moment."

Suddenly I felt bad I hadn't ask how she felt sooner - I could tell something was wrong from the first word she had spoken.

"What's going on?"

She broke down crying as she shared her concerns over her two year old daughter's verbal development.

"I can't afford to send her to day care but I'm afraid I'm holding her back by keeping her home. I guess it's my fault she's not reaching the full potential for her age." She went on in this vein, beating herself up, questioning her parenting ability.

"Let me stop you right there. Conviction is from the Holy Spirit, but condemnation is a lie from the pit of hell. Stop listening to lies. You are a loving parent doing what feel is best for your child. You are training her up in the way she should go, telling her about Jesus. If you feel God's nudge to have her checked out to make sure she's progressing appropriately, go ahead. But do NOT blame yourself if you discover there really are issues to be addressed."

She explained that she had older children - the youngest of whom was already 15. She had her tubes tied, but a number of years later, she discovered she was pregnant. She had made arrangements for an abortion, but the day she was to go, she received a text that said "This is an anointed child - a gift from God. Who are you to end it's life?"

It was a harsh question, but she knew it was true. She cancelled the appointment. Perhaps guilt over her earlier plans for this child was spilling over now, making her question her ability to parent at this age and in this way.

"Can I pray for you?"

"Please, I would appreciate that."

I prayed, she wept. But when we were done, she thanked me and said she felt better. I made some suggestions on where she might go to get help with evaluating her daughter.

"You know, I think God caused that phone tag so I would call you today, at this moment, when you needed reassurance."

"I was just thinking the same thing."

From there, she shared how she hadn't been to church in awhile because of her child's separation anxiety, but she had been thinking she might be able to return by serving with the children's ministry.

I encouraged her to do so and told her the upcoming sermon series would have a component about serving where you're gifted and feel called to be.

God was already orchestrating things through her "moment" of doubt, fears and tears.

And what I thought was a game of phone tag over an every day request turned out to be a divine appointment.

God speaks every day in a million different ways if we'll only be open to hear what He's saying.

Best of all, He is always on time to answer our call.

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Are You "App-athetic?"

"I'm going down the shore later today."

"Isn't the water too cold?"

"I don't go to swim. I listen to the waves, breathe in the salty sea air, maybe wade a bit. I go to relax."

"They've got apps for that."

This was my conversation a few months ago with a man who was totally serious.

He couldn't imagine making the hour long drive to sit and soak in the sights and sounds we are blessed with, living near the coast. He thought his phone and an app were sufficient substitutes.

How sad!

There is no man-made app that can capture the grainy feel of wet sand squishing between your toes.

Or convey the power of waves that crash with a roaring boom yet dissipate into tiny, delicate bubbles that look like lace on the tips of watery fingers reaching toward the shoreline.




Can an app fill your senses with the immensity and beauty of the horizon, stretched out under the expanse of sky, decorated with white, puffy clouds, or adorned with the pinks, reds, and purples of sunrises and sunsets?

And what of the treasures to be found dotting the beaches?

An app doesn't let you look for the perfect color and shape shell to add to your collection, or snap a picture of something that catches your eye but needs to stay right where it is on the beach.

You might be able to hear canned whistles and clicks of dolphins, but wouldn't you rather hear them as they break the surface of the water in a fast swimming pack, delighting all who catch a glimpse?

And instead of playing app games, entertaining yourself watching the silly little sandpipers run down toward the water, then scurry up the beach as they hunt for sand crabs helps you realize that endless running back and forth doesn't have to be you today. You can rest.

I don't want to settle for something man-made when I can experience the fullness of something God-made.

Man-made things are a mere shadow of, a poor replacement for, something divine.

An app will let me hear, and perhaps see, a tiny portion of what there is to be seen and heard. But when I go directly to the source, I can immerse myself and my senses in the here and now of His creation.

Jesus said "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

He wants us to live for Him, all senses engaged. Our heart prepared to receive the blessings that abound when we are completely open to all He has for us.

My friend, what are you settling for today? What unfulfilling thing is serving as a poor substitute for the richness God has for you? 

Don't be "app-athetic." 

Karma's Watching?

Karma. We generally hear the term used when someone has done something or someone wrong.

The hope expressed is that karma will come along to pay the offender back.

Supposedly it works the other way around too, but we rarely seem to wish good on another - we want revenge and if karma's willing to take that on, we'll stand on the sidelines and cheer it on.

So I thought it particularly odd to see this sign in the waiting room of a diagnostic imaging center as I waited for a medical test.

It was actually the same center where I was told this January to see a breast surgeon for a biopsy of something they saw that was most likely cancer. (It was and I blogged about it here.)

The sign made me angry. The insinuation was totally negative.

What did Karma see in my life that would cause me to get cancer?

Not once, but twice in two years?

Was it my full-time position pouring into people's lives when they are vulnerable and in need?

Perhaps it was my volunteer work with the same population.

No. No, it must be all the time I've spent the past year trying to help my brother get his mental illness diagnosed and get him the services he needs.

And if all those things were good, why didn't this "tit for tat" karma thing see to it I didn't get cancer?

"I saw that."

What a terrible, accusatory thought to put in someone's mind.

My heart breaks for those who might read that sign and believe they are at fault for their illness.

Lest you think all this talk of karma means I believe in it, fear not.

I'm still the same Jesus believing daughter of the King I've been for many years. And I'm so glad I know the Truth.

My cancer is not my fault, but my cancer may be used to bring about good.

Right now, I'm reading a book written by a friend of mine, James Watkins. It's called The Psalms of Asaph: Struggling With Unanswered Prayer, Unfulfilled Promises and Unpunished Evil. In it, he tells the story of a young woman who, when she learned of her cancer diagnosis, prayed that her family would come to Christ through the journey. She didn't survive, but family members will now live for eternity, able to see her again because they came to believe in God through her faith.

Would she have chosen this life over eternal life for her family? No. Would she have chosen that method for them to come to Christ? Probably not. Did judgmental people sit back and wonder what secret sin she had committed that God "saw" and punished her for? Possibly.

That's the kind of reaction Job's "friends" had. They gave him an earful on how to repent from what he must have done to deserve all the terrible things that befell him.

They didn't use the term karma. Worse, they attributed all his misfortune to God - as a result of something Job MUST have done wrong.

The truth is, we live in a fallen world. Bad things happen to good people. God can redeem those bad things.

John 16:33 comforts us with "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Sometimes, it's not about illness and disease. Sometimes it's about the very real pain people have caused you. Is it wrong to wish a quid pro quo on them?

Matthew 5:44-45 says "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

The New Testament is filled with scriptures: Romans 12:17-18,  I Thessalonians 5:15, I Peter 3:9 and others that basically tell us not to repay evil for evil as "karma" would, but rather evil with good because that is what sets us apart as Christians.

We can't control the actions of others, but we CAN monitor our reaction.

And when it comes to disease? Well, sometimes, cancer just happens.

I don't have the BRCA gene. I don't smoke and if I have a drink once a year, it's a lot. Yet I know a number of people who smoke like a chimney and haven't been diagnosed with the disease.

Karma, if she existed, would have her scoreboard all wrong. She really doesn't see a thing. So...

Don't repay evil for evil - or wish that someone else would do the job for you.

Don't take on guilt that isn't yours to bear because sometimes, bad things really do happen to good people.

Love God, do good to others, let go of anger, don't judge.

And remember...when others are guilty, we cry for justice. When we are guilty, we beg for mercy. "Karma" doesn't extend mercy. Only God does - and He truly does see everything.

Hand in Hand

Curiosity and wonder have captivated her inquisitive mind and she toddles off, wanting to explore.

While she is blissfully unaware of anything beyond her field of vision, I see the potential dangers.

"Give me your hand sweetheart."

Sometimes, she'll turn around with a big grin and willingly slip her tiny hand in mine. I praise her wise decision. "Thank you, honey, you're a good girl to walk with Grandma."

Other times she looks me straight in the eye as she pulls her hand close to her chest and very clearly and defiantly says "no!"

I don't lose my patience. I know she is learning and at the ripe old age of two, testing boundaries.

But I repeat myself a little firmer, knowing what is best for her. "Give me your hand sweetie." I hold out my hand to encourage the right decision on her part.

I don't love her more or less based on her reply. 

I don't think I could possibly love this little girl any more than I already do and I can't imagine ever loving her less than with every fiber of my being.

Eventually, as she matures and our relationship grows I hope she will come to trust me more, believing my request is in her best interest so the defiant "no's" will be fewer.

Right now, I love that she has already begun to invite me on her adventures.

"C'mon Gamma" is one of the sweetest phrases I've ever heard. 

She flashes a toothy smile and grabs my hand or beckons me forward by opening her hand wide, clenching it closed and opening it again.

I am smitten.

My friends, our walk with God is so very similar. The world around us entices us, and sometimes we are tempted to wander off.

"Give me your hand" we hear the Father say.

If we are wise, we turn back toward Him and grasp His hand.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9-10

But sometimes, we are stubborn and defiant. Even though we know He leads us in the way of life, we pull back our hand and assert ourselves loud and foolishly proud.

"No!" we declare.

Even when we reject Him, He loves us still - He couldn't love us any more than He already does - and rather than losing patience, He tells us His mercies are new each morning.

But He also lovingly and firmly repeats Himself.

"Give me your hand."

His thoughts are higher than ours and His ways are higher too. He sees far beyond our limited field of vision and seeks to spare us from dangerous circumstances.

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right and and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

He longs for us to invite Him along into our day. It gives Him pleasure to commune with us.

As our relationship with the Father matures and grows, we learn to trust Him more. We know He desires only the best for us, and our "no's" become less frequent.

As you face this day and all it holds, don't be tempted to strike out on your own.

Slip your hand into His and never let go.

How Much Can You Handle?

We've all heard it said "God won't give you more than you can handle."

Someone may have even shared that sentiment with you during a difficult time.


They meant to encourage you, I'm sure.

God won't give you more than you can handle?

But what about when...

a loved one dies?

you lose all your worldly possessions to a natural disaster?

the doctor says "it's terminal."

When your world is crashing in and your heart feels like it will explode, does it really help to think, "well, at least God knew I could handle it or I wouldn't be going through this?"

If you unpack what's being said, it's not at all comforting and I don't really think it's accurate.

As my friend Pam said "If God never gives us more than we can handle, why would we need His Presence and His help? Our faith, like muscles never given a workout, would become atrophied."

But it's not just the "more than we can handle" part that I take issue with.

Do you believe a loving and gracious God sits on His throne deciding which hardship to bestow on us, only to watch us struggle under its weight?

That's not the God I know.

When these Job-sized trials - or any problem for that matter - hit, trying to handle them under our own power is futile. And unbiblical.

Proverbs 3:5 tells us to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

And Psalm 55:22 instructs "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken."

But I would also argue those trials aren't delivered directly from the hand of God. He hasn't "given" us the difficulties.

We live in an imperfect, fallen world. We may belong to God but that doesn't stop the father of lies from trying his best to trip us up, make us miserable, and get us to take our eyes off the One can get us through the storm.

John 16:33 reminds us "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

That's why I so appreciate the perspective twist in the pictured quote.

God helps us handle what we've been given.

It's not our own gritted teeth, pull ourselves up by the boot straps, inner strength and dogged determination that allows us to handle the difficult times with inexplicable peace.

It is God being true to His promise to never leave or forsake us, to walk with us each step of the way. Psalm 46:1-3 puts it this way "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

As I return to work after a 3 month absence due to a breast cancer diagnosis, I can tell you that if I believed for an instant that God gave me cancer because He knew I could handle it, I'd be rethinking our relationship.

With the same amount of certainty, I can assure you that the only way I was able to get through hearing the diagnosis, go through the litany of tests, an outpatient and inpatient surgery and weeks of grueling recovery is because He was there beside me, offering a refuge to run to when the fears threatened to overtake me and the tears wouldn't stop; when the pain was crushing and sleep wouldn't come; when I saw the scars for the first time and my patience was severely tested by a drain that was with me 6 weeks longer than the "norm."

His grace and mercy, love and peace were what made handling it all possible.

So my friend, the next time a hardship comes your way, remember that God isn't standing by at a distance watching to see if you can handle it, He's in the midst of it all, waiting for your to put your faith and trust in Him so He can help you through it.

Happy Tears - A Week of Ups and Downs

Monday promised warmer temps and a glimpse of the sun.

Since much of the past 2 weeks have been spent inside doctor offices, a friend and I made plans to head to Belmar and walk the boardwalk to "God's Square Mile on the Jersey Shore," also known as Ocean Grove.

When I realized it was 2.2 miles in each direction, I suggested perhaps we park closer.

My friend polietely said "no."

So off we headed while I internally fretted a bit about the chilly winds and the fact that I was heading out on a 4 1/2 mile round trip walk after weeks - okay, maybe more like months - of virtual couch potato-ness punctuated by the occasional shoveling session for what seemed to be our weekly encounter with a Nor'easter in the Garden State.

I didn't want to overdo things 2 days before my first surgery to remove "sentinel lymph nodes" to check on any spread of the cancer.

We walked for what seemed like an eternity and considered giving up our quest when we bumped into a couple who told us it was another 10 minutes away. We kept walking.

We arrived at our intended destination with a few minutes to spare before their 2 pm closing time.

A delicious lunch, two cups of tea and a slice of double chocolate mousse cake warmed me up and gave me the energy to head back!!

We enjoyed a warmer, less windy return trip, stopping on occasion to snap a few pictures.

 I slept well that night.

Tuesday I headed back to the hospital for a nuclear dye injection.

Now, because I'm allergic to so many things, my first question always is "what's in this?" before anyone gives me anything.

The response from the technician was "you should be fine as long as you're not allergic to sulfa."

Well, guess what. I am. And I have detailed that a million times on the litany of forms I've filled out for the hospital and every doctor in the place over the past 2 months.

Tears started welling up because I was frustrated and a little scared. I could have taken Benedryl or something else to prepare for this, but now, here I was, in the position of having to make a decision on whether or not to move forward with this very important test.

The alternatives weren't much better - one drug would turn me blue..."you'll look a little like a smurf for a few days"... and the other had a 3% chance of anaphylaxis.

"Jesus, you knew this would happen. This is not a surprise to you! Help me."

The doctor reentered the room voicing doubt that my earlier reaction was to sulfa. He believed it was another ingredient in the pills I had taken.

I hesitantly agreed to the injection.

The test finished, I began to notice my tongue felt as if I had scalded it on a hot drink. That lasted for the entire day. Although my surgeon said she'd never heard of such a thing before, I'm kind of the poster child for weird diseases and reactions.

I didn't sleep well that night.

4:30 a.m. came as early as it sounds and I got ready for the trip to the hospital. Although I thought I was calm on the outside, my subconscious was messing with my stomach.

My sister dropped me at the door and went to park. I pulled out my Bible, and opened it up to the Psalms where my eyes fell on 138:3 "When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted." I read the rest of the passage which ends with "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, oh Lord, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hand." I felt God's presence and was ready for the next step.

I registered and my sister and I chit-chatted until the nurse came to take me back to the prep room. On the way, she shared that she too had breast cancer but was a 7 year survivor. It's a story I've heard far too many times since my diagnosis. So many women have walked this path before me! Too many.

I had been concerned about anesthesia because after my last operation more than 30 years ago it took longer than normal to come out of it and I woke up nauseous. So when the anesthesiologist walked in, I said "you're the one I'm concerned about."

"Me? Why?"

I explained my fears, but he went over all my allergies and addressed my concerns. When he left, the nurse said "He's the best...he was my anesthesiologist. You know if the nurses use him for their own surgeries, he's a good one."

Again, peace.

I remember being moved from gurney to operating table and not much more. As my eyes fluttered and I began to emerge from unconsciousness, a nurse asked how I was feeling.

"Tired." I drifted off again as I heard her say, "that's okay, rest."

The doctor came in and told my sister that the nuclear material from the day before had somewhat worn off and so she was only able to remove one node instead of the intended two, but it would be okay.

Eventually, I wakened and steadied and was able to leave.

I went home and slept some more, but all the early dozing and the soreness of the area under my arm made for a rough night.

In my previous post, I stated that I was praying for a Good Friday. A good report. When I woke from a nap this afternoon, I was surprised that I had slept through half a dozen phone calls, one of which was from the surgeon.

She had gotten the pathology report back a day early. The lymph node was clear. It will indeed be a Good Friday!

"Thank you Jesus. Praise you Lord!" I sobbed the words out loud, tears of joy running down my face.

It's the first good news I've had since January 22nd.

I still have a long road ahead. The bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction scheduled for Monday looms large, but I am bold and stouthearted. I know God has heard my cries and the prayers of scores of people. Some know me well, some have heard of me, some I've never met. But each person who lifts their voice toward heaven and intercedes on my behalf is precious to me.

Thank you for joining me on this journey through your encouraging words and prayers. I pray that should you find yourself facing something similar in the future, you will know that peace is possible when you look to the Prince of Peace for strength.

Joshua 1:9: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do no be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Be Still: The Bucket List Bird Lesson

Just one week ago I wrote about my new cancer diagnosis in The Call You Never Want to Get.

New, because this is the second time in a year I've gotten a call that threw me for a loop.

Two different cancers, both out of left field, both "rare." Within the group of people who get these types of cancers, Sloan Kettering told me they only see 2-3 cases a year of the first kind, and the second only presents itself this way 10-15% of the time.

It gives new meaning to being unique and special. 

A meaning I could, frankly, live without - literally and figuratively.

The night the surgeon called with her recommendation, I cried, really cried, for the second time in this whole ordeal.

I kept apologizing for breaking down and all I could say beyond "I'm sorry" was "this sucks." She agreed. Cancer sucks.

The next morning, I headed into work.

I thought I was "hanging in there" and attempted to go about my day as if my world wasn't changing by the second.

It was an ill, self-advised attempt.

My uncontrollable tears led my boss to ask if I needed the week off. I'm not good at healthy boundaries and self-care, but even I knew at that moment I needed time to process.

Still, I'm a workaholic at heart, so when I couldn't guarantee I could stay away from my work email, we agreed she should lock me out of it.

I went directly to the place that serves as God's throne room for me. The lake where this blog was born.

I called a friend who headed out to join me, but for an hour, I reveled in the uncharacteristically warm February weather. A slight breeze, clear skies, and fresh air surrounded me as I talked to Jesus and He walked along with me.

Hearing the raucous cry of a jay, I looked up and spied the fellow in the picture above.

I have long complained that blue jays don't like to pose for me - they flit about and make it nearly impossible to photograph them. This guy was different. He's somewhat hidden in the tree, but he sat for quite some time while I tried this angle and that to get a good shot.

Two days later, I headed out with a friend and our cameras to another favorite place, Grounds for Sculpture. Once again, a blue jay stayed put for an inordinate amount of time, allowing me to capture this image.

"I half wonder if God is allowing me to check little things off my bucket list because I'm not going to be around much longer."

It was the first time I voiced the unthinkable. That whisper of the enemy that tries to diminish our faith by growing our fears.

My friend immediately shot it down. "Maybe He's just showing you how much He loves you."

I recounted the story to my counselor a few days later. Her response was similar. "Perhaps He's encouraging you to be still. He's letting you know you don't need to do anything but observe and He'll show you His presence."

The NIV version of Psalm 46:10 reads "He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

As I looked up other versions, the beginning of that verse reads "Cease striving", "Be in awe", "Let go [of your concerns]", "Let be."

All of those versions speak volumes to me.

I'm so grateful for the past week. For three days the weather held, but even when it didn't, I was given wonderful gifts. Time to breathe, time to reflect, time to listen to wonderful old hymns and new worship songs, time to drink in the sights and sounds of God's creation, time with a number of friends as we shared a meal and what was on our hearts.

The suggestion was made during the first round of cancer treatments that perhaps I had gotten sick because God was telling me to slow down.

I don't believe for a moment that God would deliberately inflict a deadly disease on me to get my attention. He has far more compassionate ways to chastise and teach than that.

He is the Great Physician, not the Great Afflicter. 

That said, He wastes none of our pain and suffering. He works all things together for those who love Him. He speaks to us in the midst of storms.

And He can use a normally flighty blue jay to say "Take your time and see me. I'm here. I'm staying put."

Be still, cease striving, be in awe, let go, let be...and know that I am God.

Hide and Seek

More often than not, I arrive a little late.

It didn't used to be that way. It's a bad habit that developed over time.

I don't mean to do it, I just think I can accomplish more than is humanly possible in a finite amount of minutes, hours, or days, and as a result, I get caught short.

I can joke that the laws of space and time don't apply to me, but the deeper truth is it's probably rooted in pride. I suffer from Super-Toni syndrome. A friend even gave me a picture once that said "I'm fairly certain, if given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world."

But this time, my reason for being "tardy" is different.

I did wait on purpose.

I waited because I didn't want it to be about me and what I thought God wanted. I waited to listen to what He actually had to say. I've been in a dry place and my hearing hasn't been so good lately.

Truth is, I wasn't just in a dry place, I was completely dehydrated. 

Even in a year when my "one word" was balance and I worked hard to fill my soul by more learning ABOUT Him, I wasn't really spending time WITH Him. In my last post, I wrote "I said 'no' to activities in order to spend time alone in reflective quiet..." And I did say no to outside activities. I just whittled a lot of that reflective time away not reflecting so much as vegging out internally.

Doing nothing and spending deliberate time waiting in God's presence are two entirely different things.

I need to spend quality time one-on-one having casual conversations and heart to heart talks.

Instead, I've been hiding from Him like the squirrel in the picture hiding in the grass, grasping the "nut" of my heart for dear life, not wanting to let go. Why? I'm not sure I could articulate it.

What I can say is that it's not the first dry spell I've been through and it probably won't be the last. I've lived in God's presence and I've lived on the outskirts and the former is infinitely better than the latter.

But I'm human.

It's not an excuse, just an observation of our fallen condition. We strive to be like Him, but we fall short. We've ALL fallen short of God's glory.

So all that to say a few weeks after others have talked about theirs, I'm finally ready to reveal my "one word" for the year.

Seek.

I want to seek His presence, His love, His grace, His mercy, His wisdom, His forgiveness. His peace.

Seek is a big word.

Only four letters long, it encompasses a lifetime of longing. A lifetime of pursuit. A lifetime of discovery.

While I was still waiting on the word, I went back to an app I'd used sporadically in the past year called First 15. I knew from years of walking with Him that the hiding needed to stop. I needed to start the day in His presence. I had to push through the dry to get back to the well of living water.

The very first devotional for the year was entitled "What Does It Mean to Have Time Alone With God?"

Day after day, I saw the words "seek" and "presence" in everything I read.

Although Matthew 6:33 was rolling around in the back of my mind - "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.", it sounded so huge. The kingdom of God. AND His righteousness. Tall order. How vast is God's kingdom? How all-encompassing His righteousness? Where on earth would I start? (no pun intended!)

Then God opened my eyes to a verse yesterday I've read many times.

"You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." (Jer. 29:13)

Simple. Direct. Seek Him. He'll make Himself known. He wants to be found.

God's not hiding and neither should I.

This year, this month, this day, this hour, this minute...I will seek.

Balance

Consistency. Trust. Abundance. Wisdom. 

Since 2013 I've chosen "one word" for the year. 

Some years I do better than others writing on the topic and meditating on the word. 

In February of 2013 I wrote "The Consistency of Being Inconsistent"...a lament on how quickly I'd fallen away from that year's word, "Consistency."

Yet in 2014 "Trust" was an anchor in a storm-filled year. I wrote about it often. Truly, trust was a God-given word.

Last December, I didn't write an introductory blog post to my word for the following year as I typically do. I mulled over several words and although I had an inkling of the direction God was leading me in, I wasn't positive which word was the one He had for me in 2017.

Although I didn't have a definitive word, God impressed on my heart a definitive need..."fill up your soul." 

I pour myself out each day caring for others through my full-time job and He made it clear I needed to carve out time each month to purposefully refill my soul with time spent in His presence.

A number of months ago, I realized the word I had been leaning toward was in fact the word He had given me for the year. 

Balance.

I initially thought the word was given to me with regard to boundaries. 

I can be a workaholic and a people-pleaser. I thought God just wanted me to guard against the encroachment of work-related needs and issues on my personal time.

What I never saw coming was my cancer diagnosis and on the same day, my homeless brother invading my life with a host of needs that threatened to consume all my time and challenge my sanity.

Balance.

Long before I saw what was on the horizon, God communicated to me the need for emotional, physical and spiritual balance. He instructed me to fill up my soul to allow for distribution of the weightiness of need and hurt and pain with the weight-lifting experience of quiet and peace and joy.

As a result, I went on several mini-retreats, attended day-long seminars, and immersed myself in worship at concerts. I said "no" to activities in order to spend time alone in reflective quiet, and sought out wise counsel to work through the stresses of cancer and care-giving.

Solomon discusses the balance of life in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

"There is a time for everything and a time for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

Life isn't perfect. 

There are ups and downs. 

An ebb and flow. 

A time for everything.

This year has been a very different one, so I guess it's not so strange that I unveil it's one word at the end rather than the beginning. 

I am grateful for all the times I was able to steal away to seek His face (Ps. 105:4)and find refuge under His wings (Ps. 91:4).

With 2018 just hours away, I find myself in the same place as last year-once again uncertain of which word He has for me; listening for what theme of meditation and encouragement He wants to provide for the days ahead. 

Until He reveals it, working on balance is my game plan! 

Do you have a "one word" God has revealed to you for 2018?

Blessings to each of you for a joyful and peace-filled new year.

Message Received

I didn't think much of the email I got Tuesday night.

It happened many times before: a volunteer had a conflict and wouldn't be able to make her shift in the food pantry the following day.

I didn't realize then it would be the pebble that started the landslide.

Wednesdays are "pantry days" and are always busy, but with extra errands to accomplish before work, this one promised to be especially hectic.

First I swung into the dollar store as they opened. purchased items the pantry lacked, then headed to a mechanic we use when our cars ministry volunteers are too busy or the job is too complex for our resources. This visit was to drop off the title to a vehicle we decided to junk since it wasn't fiscally prudent to repair.

As I pulled out of the mechanic's parking lot, I glanced at my watch feeling pretty good about what I'd accomplished thus far. Only 8:45. I'd be in the office long before the 9:30 staff meeting.

Immediately, my phone pinged. It was a text from another volunteer. She was in a lot of pain and wouldn't be able to come in. I sent her an encouraging "rest up, we'll be okay" even as I thought - "ugh - what now?"

Both volunteers who cancelled were bi-lingual...the only bi-linguals serving in the pantry that day...and we have a 70% Spanish-speaking clientele.

My day just got more difficult.

I parked outside the pantry so I could unload my car later in the morning and headed through the building toward my office.

As I exited the pantry into the main building, an acrid smell smacked me in the face. Something electrical was burning and I could see a haze hanging in the sunbeams streaming in the windows.

"Good thing I came in that way" I thought. No one would have caught that for hours.

I notified the proper staff about the smell and met a pair of volunteers outside my office. They were waiting to pick up a food order and needed me to give them the key to the church's box truck.

After sending them on their way, my phone rang. It was yet another volunteer calling to say he was dropping off a bread delivery early. Would anyone be in the pantry to receive it?

I ran back to let him in. He noted the missing box truck and asked if I had gotten the Panera donation off it.

Face palm. "No. I totally forgot to retrieve it while I was running around. The truck is on its way to pick up the food order."

"Toni" he warned "they'll never get anything in there. Someone has it filled with furniture."

I could feel my shoulders tighten and my stress-induced palpitations begin. I tried several times to reach the truck-driving couple by phone and text, to no avail.

It was quickly becoming obvious I was going to miss the staff meeting.

I began unloading all the dollar store stuff from my car so I could drive over to the big box store and load up with some of the food order.

Now none of this may seem like a big deal. Each thing in and of itself really wasn't. But over the past few months I've been dealing with some overwhelming health and family issues and tears are often close to the surface. So in my little world, all the little things messing up my already busy day were adding up.

As I tried to jockey down the least congested lane of rush hour traffic, I cried out "God, I just can't do this today."

I flipped on the radio to my favorite station - Klove - and the chorus that met me was "When did I forget that you've always been the King of the World? I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the World."

Yes Lord, message received.

Was the rest of the day busy and hectic? Yes.

Was I stressed out about the lack of volunteers and the amount of work that needed to be done? No.

The King of the world who created the universe and cares about every detail of my life reminded me clearly and simply He was on the throne and in charge on crazy busy Wednesdays and every day.

"Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust"

King of the World - Natalie Grant

Back to the Bench

It all started right here.

Ten years ago - it seems hard to believe it's been a decade - my heart was heavy. Almost inconsolable.

Then I began what I called Lakeside Services.

On this very bench, as I took in glorious sunsets each evening, I would cry out to God in my pain and ask Him a lot of "whys?"

I didn't get an answer to every question, but surrounded by the beauty of His creation, I found peace and comfort in the midst of the storm.

I went back to the beginning of this blog today. Back six years looking for one of my early posts that spoke of that time. When I pulled up Lakeside Services I was surprised at what I read, but honestly, I shouldn't have been.

The verse that has defined the past three months for me was there once again. The verse I wrote about last month in Flood and Fire.

Isaiah 43:2: When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

In the Flood and Fire post I shared about my recent cancer journey. I have been blessed in that it was caught early, treatment was short and uneventful, and the prognosis is good. (Although prayers are gratefully accepted for my one month follow up July 3rd!)

What I didn't share was the other half of the past three months. The part of the journey that is the more emotionally taxing for me than even a cancer diagnosis.

The same day I received that news, my brother reappeared after more than a year; homeless, desperate, and looking for help.

He is almost four years younger than me, but hard living most of the past few decades has taken its toll. Most people think I'm the younger sibling by as much as 10 years.

He now suffers from short-term memory loss and a host of health issues. When he resurfaced it was from a place a little lower than rock bottom.

My profession is working with people in desperate situations. My office is often their last resort.

I thought that would have prepared me for working with my brother, but I was wrong.

No matter how intense the needs and demands of others who walk through my door, I could still go home at night, pray for them and move on to other things.

Not so when it's family.

There are no "work hours" and "down time."

It's all the time. 

The phone rings early in the morning and late at night. Work and weekends get shifted around to accommodate visits to social services, Social Security, and doctors offices.

I thought I was awesomely juggling all the balls in the air until the day the wrong button got pushed. I dropped him off at the temporary shelter where he's been staying the past three months and sobbed all the way home.

It didn't make sense to me. I was angry with him and his behavior - why on earth was I crying?

But cry I did. The ugly cry. The shoulder-heaving, snot running, torrents of tears so-thick-I-could-barely-see-the-road cry. And when I thought it had stopped, it started all over again.

The next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, tears lived in the rims. The mere thought of having to deal with him pushed those droplets over the edge and down my cheeks.

It wasn't my nature to be so down for so many days on end.

Through it all, I have continued to force myself to sit down and work on a writing assignment and my book. I would leave work, then write for several hours. I have deadlines to meet and I spent many days going from the computer screen at work to the computer screen at home.

Last night as I drove home I noticed the sunset, and the lake called to my spirit. I can't tell you how many long, long months it has been since I sat on my bench and watched the sun slip below the horizon.

I almost didn't heed the call.

At the last minute I rerouted myself and headed toward the park. It was 8:30 and the sun was already hanging low in the sky. As I drove in the direction of the marina, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.

There was a fawn prancing around it's mom, then taking off in wild abandon. It stopped in its tracks, abruptly changed directions, and charged off again.

I pulled off on the side of the road to watch for a full two minutes, laughing at the fawn and his joyous play.

It immediately lifted my spirits. 

I slowly drove off, then pulled my camera out of my purse, turned around, and was thrilled to see him still at it so I could record his antics.

A few minutes later I continued to the marina and headed down to the water with my camera.

The lake and the sunset did not disappoint. I sat on the bench and listened to the "whizzzz" of the fisherman's line being cast and the "plunk" as the weight hit the water to pull the hook below the surface, tantalizing the fish below with a worm or minnow.

I smelled the sweetness of the honeysuckles hanging in the air.

And I felt the warm breeze on my face.

This is where it all began for an aching heart searching to find joy again.

This heart, once more heavy with the struggles of this life, has returned to ask new why's. To seek answers once again in the stillness and beauty of creation.

To hear Him whisper "I am with you always, Toni. Sometimes in this life you will go through storms, but I am in control."

This heart has come back to the bench.

Adventures in Community Outreach - Cares Day

Three years ago I stepped down from a volunteer position running a ministry I loved, in order to take on a full-time ministry manager position at another local church.

 

It was like leaving a child behind. 

I had birthed the ministry, grown with it, and been richly blessed by it. I had witnessed many miracles of God's provision through it, and in fact, I'm writing a book about it. 

There were many tears shed on my part, but I believed I was following God's leading and call in making the move. I knew I was handing the reigns over to a woman who had a similar passion for the community and that lessened the blow a bit. For the past few years she has loved and nurtured the ministry, keeping it going strong.

Then a few weeks ago, I sat in the sanctuary of that former church and watched as the baton was passed again to co-leaders. One started with us a few years ago as garden manager. The other was my "brain." I  was the upfront vision caster and she was the keeper of a million details and queen of our volunteer spreadsheets relishing in her behind-the-scenes anonymity. 

As I watched her speak that morning, tears streamed down my face. I was so proud of her for moving out beyond her comfort zone to take on a co-leadership role and so honored to see that God was continuing to use the ministry to impact the community.

Today was the first outreach since the two took on the leadership mantel. Despite a very rainy morning, a number of organizations in the area benefited from the practical acts of service performed.

This year, I was able to participate as a volunteer and I was so excited to experience the day from the "other side!" I signed on as photographer and drove around to the different locations capturing pictures of the good deeds.

At the church, breakfast bags were assembled for a local soup kitchen, snack packs were put together for an after-school program, and hygiene kits were created to hand out to the homeless. 

A team went out to the on-site location of the after-school program to clean and organize four of their classrooms. It was there I heard a conversation between a parent of a child in the program and our team leader about what was going on and where the group was from. People are always so surprised that an "outside" group would take an interest in helping to beautify/clean/improve their space.

Cares Day provides that opportunity to explain what we do for them is an outpouring of our love for Christ. Serving like this gives us the chance to share our faith in a way that might not otherwise be possible.

I left the second group knee deep in pencils, books, and craft pieces to head over to a local free clinic where the next group of volunteers were beautifying the grounds. 

Although the rains came and went, they managed to plant and mulch, bringing beauty to an area dominated by concrete and asphalt.

The next stop was the warehouse facility of an organization that primarily champions the needs of single parent families. Among the many services they offer, they provide a food pantry that includes much needed items like diapers. Volunteers sorted the diapers by size and bagged them up 25 at a time. After making quick work of that task, they moved on to a second one. 

Two of the projects had to be cancelled because of the weather, so my last stop was at a local park where a team bagged trash. They remarked how they felt God's presence as He held up the rains while they worked, then even sent a garbage truck by to pick up the trash, just as they finished! I love that God is always in the details.

Seven years ago, I was obedient to the prompting of the Spirit. I knew God wanted us to move beyond the walls of our church and into the community. I had no idea how, but God led the way. Through this outreach and many others, He continues to impact lives years later. I may have been the first person at the helm of CommunityConnections, but it successfully continues on without me because it was never me who was in charge.

What is He prompting you to do today? Don't brush aside the nudge. It's been said that God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called. You can be part of the miracle He's doing or you can miss the blessing. I'm glad I jumped on board and I'm excited for those who have heeded the call since He moved me on.

Now the God of peace, who brought up from the dead the great Shepherd of the sheep through the blood of the eternal covenant, even Jesus our Lord, equip you in every good thing to do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21.

Life's Like That

From my fireside vantage point yesterday, I watched the snow blow sideways. The wind whipped the tiny flakes into a fury, creating a visually impenetrable wall of white.

My mind flashed back to the day before.

61 degrees.

Warm sunshine.

Short sleeves and more than a fleeting thought of donning a pair of flip flops.

Barely 24 hours later everything had drastically changed.

But life's like that, isn't it?

Everything is going fine, or at least it's status quo. Nothing monumentally wrong.

Until it all is.

Perhaps like that snow storm it's a million little things all coming together to form a wall that closes you in from every side. Or maybe it's all dumped on you in one fell swoop like an avalanche.

Either way, it surrounds you, engulfs you, threatens to immobilize you.

That was how I felt almost three years ago when my "one word" for the year was trust. It was a year that stretched and grew me in ways I could never have imagined.

And it hurt.

I wouldn't have chosen any of it, but God saw fit to allow me to walk that path.

Now, once again, there's a storm or two brewing in my life. I didn't see them coming at first. I was looking at the horizon and they sort of blew in from the west, but I'm sensing the change in the direction of the wind.

It makes me wonder what kind of trip we're getting ready to go on, my God and me, especially since He never tells me what to pack for these excursions.

Because most of the time, it's more about unpacking.

Fears, hurts, anxieties, doubts, needs, attitudes, assumptions, prejudices.

It's a pretty long list.

But while He unpacks me, He never leaves me empty.

Instead of the baggage I would choose to bring along, He hands me a suitcase full of...Him.

Grace, mercy, peace, love, understanding, guidance, faith, trust, joy.

It's a pretty long list too. Infinitely longer than mine because, well, He's infinite.

And He's divine.

No surprises for Him. He saw the storm coming. He knew change was on the horizon.

He knew who would exit my life and who would enter. He knew, and knows, the good, the bad, and the as yet unknown to me.

That unanticipated snow storm stopped as abruptly as it started. The clouds parted and the sun returned.

The scenery was beautiful.

The roads were clear, but the snow remained on the grass and trees. A silent, glistening reminder that I had just gone through a situation that had altered things.

Yes, life's like that.

When we're in the midst of it, we can't see anything but the storm.

But the winds eventually change. The sun emerges from the curtain of clouds.

When we can see clearly again, we realize the storm has changed the landscape.

Nothing ever remains the same. But God.

No one enjoys going through hard things. I'm not running toward those storms on the horizon with open arms excited to see what they'll bring. I know how painful change can be most of the time. But I also know how faithful my God is, and that He can bring beauty out of ashes.

Psalm 46:1-3
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

The Best Gift Ever

Her request was simple.

"If you ever have an extra one of those, could I have it?"

She stopped rubbing her thin arms against the cold long enough to point toward the hand-held can opener on the faded wooden table in front of us.



Anna continued..."the church gave me a can of tuna fish and I had no way to open it. I took a big knife and stabbed the can over and over trying to punch a hole in it, but I couldn't."

I winced as I pictured her waging battle against the small metal can with a large, sharp knife and all the ways that could have gone oh so wrong.

"There's one in the box we just put in your room" I said with a smile.

I wasn't prepared for the force with which she flung her arms around my neck squealing "thank you! thank you so much!"

I gave her a hug and then she began jumping up and down clapping her hands together with glee.

"You made my day! It's the best gift ever!!"

While most of us would not get excited over a dollar store can opener, to a lonely and forgotten woman, it was an exceptional gift. 

But the best gift ever?

No.

The best gift ever didn't arrive in a cardboard box in the parking lot of a welfare motel.

It came more than 2000 years ago in the lowly manger stall of a crowded inn.

Luke 2:4-7 "So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child.While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available to them.

What a scene.

A woman who was an outcast - unmarried and pregnant. A place most didn't want to go - a smelly, animal-filled stall. 

While most of us would not get excited over a child born in such a place and under such circumstances, to lonely and forgotten men...shepherds...the announcement of His birth was an exceptional gift.

Luke 2:8-12 "And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to the, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.'"

While Anna's gift of a can opener was essential for the need at hand, God's gift of His son, and through that son, eternal life, is an essential gift for every single one of us. It addresses all our needs - past, present and future.

It's the best gift ever.

Best of all, we don't have to hope it will come our way some day. It's been hand-delivered to us, free of charge. We need only to open and accept it. Today. Now. This very moment.

 Like Anna trying to puncture a can of tuna with a knife, have you been using all the wrong tools to experience all the fullness of life? Going to church won't do it. Helping others won't do it. Being a good person won't do it.

The only way to "have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10), is by accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.

My hope for you is that this year, this Christmas season, you will open the gift that is too large to fit under any tree. It costs nothing, but is priceless. The only requirement is that you open it!

"If you declare with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,' and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

He's the best. gift. ever.