Back to the Bench

It all started right here.

Ten years ago - it seems hard to believe it's been a decade - my heart was heavy. Almost inconsolable.

Then I began what I called Lakeside Services.

On this very bench, as I took in glorious sunsets each evening, I would cry out to God in my pain and ask Him a lot of "whys?"

I didn't get an answer to every question, but surrounded by the beauty of His creation, I found peace and comfort in the midst of the storm.

I went back to the beginning of this blog today. Back six years looking for one of my early posts that spoke of that time. When I pulled up Lakeside Services I was surprised at what I read, but honestly, I shouldn't have been.

The verse that has defined the past three months for me was there once again. The verse I wrote about last month in Flood and Fire.

Isaiah 43:2: When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

In the Flood and Fire post I shared about my recent cancer journey. I have been blessed in that it was caught early, treatment was short and uneventful, and the prognosis is good. (Although prayers are gratefully accepted for my one month follow up July 3rd!)

What I didn't share was the other half of the past three months. The part of the journey that is the more emotionally taxing for me than even a cancer diagnosis.

The same day I received that news, my brother reappeared after more than a year; homeless, desperate, and looking for help.

He is almost four years younger than me, but hard living most of the past few decades has taken its toll. Most people think I'm the younger sibling by as much as 10 years.

He now suffers from short-term memory loss and a host of health issues. When he resurfaced it was from a place a little lower than rock bottom.

My profession is working with people in desperate situations. My office is often their last resort.

I thought that would have prepared me for working with my brother, but I was wrong.

No matter how intense the needs and demands of others who walk through my door, I could still go home at night, pray for them and move on to other things.

Not so when it's family.

There are no "work hours" and "down time."

It's all the time. 

The phone rings early in the morning and late at night. Work and weekends get shifted around to accommodate visits to social services, Social Security, and doctors offices.

I thought I was awesomely juggling all the balls in the air until the day the wrong button got pushed. I dropped him off at the temporary shelter where he's been staying the past three months and sobbed all the way home.

It didn't make sense to me. I was angry with him and his behavior - why on earth was I crying?

But cry I did. The ugly cry. The shoulder-heaving, snot running, torrents of tears so-thick-I-could-barely-see-the-road cry. And when I thought it had stopped, it started all over again.

The next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, tears lived in the rims. The mere thought of having to deal with him pushed those droplets over the edge and down my cheeks.

It wasn't my nature to be so down for so many days on end.

Through it all, I have continued to force myself to sit down and work on a writing assignment and my book. I would leave work, then write for several hours. I have deadlines to meet and I spent many days going from the computer screen at work to the computer screen at home.

Last night as I drove home I noticed the sunset, and the lake called to my spirit. I can't tell you how many long, long months it has been since I sat on my bench and watched the sun slip below the horizon.

I almost didn't heed the call.

At the last minute I rerouted myself and headed toward the park. It was 8:30 and the sun was already hanging low in the sky. As I drove in the direction of the marina, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.

There was a fawn prancing around it's mom, then taking off in wild abandon. It stopped in its tracks, abruptly changed directions, and charged off again.

I pulled off on the side of the road to watch for a full two minutes, laughing at the fawn and his joyous play.

It immediately lifted my spirits. 

I slowly drove off, then pulled my camera out of my purse, turned around, and was thrilled to see him still at it so I could record his antics.

A few minutes later I continued to the marina and headed down to the water with my camera.

The lake and the sunset did not disappoint. I sat on the bench and listened to the "whizzzz" of the fisherman's line being cast and the "plunk" as the weight hit the water to pull the hook below the surface, tantalizing the fish below with a worm or minnow.

I smelled the sweetness of the honeysuckles hanging in the air.

And I felt the warm breeze on my face.

This is where it all began for an aching heart searching to find joy again.

This heart, once more heavy with the struggles of this life, has returned to ask new why's. To seek answers once again in the stillness and beauty of creation.

To hear Him whisper "I am with you always, Toni. Sometimes in this life you will go through storms, but I am in control."

This heart has come back to the bench.

Confessions of a Fixer

I'm a fixer. I want to make everything better.  I want everyone to be happy. Unfortunately, that's just not possible.

Sometimes I just have to admit things are out of my control. Sometimes I can't make anything better. The need is too great and my resources are too small.

And I don't like that.  Not one little bit.

Still, there's nothing I can do about it, right?



Last week, a woman walked into my office. Homeless, she wanted a place to stay for the night. I tried to get her story, but with each question I asked, she switched the direction of the conversation and headed down another rabbit trail.

I don't think it was deliberate. I don't think she meant to mislead. She was just unable to stay focused. Her restless mind was jumping all over the place.

It was obvious she was chronically homeless. Several times she referred to previous periods of homelessness. She talked about "couch surfing." She knew all the places I was going to refer her to even before I shared them.

At one point, she buried her head in her hands and whimpered "please don't make me go back there" when I suggested contacting shelters in Trenton. There was no way to really know the extent of the hardships she had endured along the way to our doorstep.

I went into problem-fixing mode and spent an hour and a half with one ear pressed to my cell phone as I waited on hold for an emergency resource, and listened to her disjointed memories with the other.

When I finally got through to an operator, the answer was "there are no shelters available tonight, tomorrow, or for the foreseeable future."

Can you imagine?

And we've had a mild winter so far. What would happen when temps dipped into the 20's, the teens, or single digits?

Even so, she's luckier than most. She has a car. It offers some protection from the elements. But sleeping in 30 degree weather in a tin can with no insulation is still brutally cold.

In the end, all I could do was help a little with food and gas, but the memory of that afternoon has lingered. I've thought about her constantly since our encounter.

Yes, sometimes I just have to admit things are out of my control. Sometimes I can't make anything better.

And sometimes, I confess, I forget to talk to the one who can.

As I recounted what had transpired to a friend, their first question was, "did you pray with her? I'm sure that provided some comfort."

That question cut me to the quick.

I hadn't used the only real resource I had.

I was too busy trying to solve the problem on my own. Too busy getting annoyed at the long hold time. Too busy thinking about all the other things I still had to do that day.

I had forgotten to "Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." (1 Chron.16:1)

I may not have had the power to change her immediate circumstances, but it was well within my power to intercede on her behalf with El Roi, the God who sees.

"He will respond to the prayer of the destitute; He will not despise their plea." (Psalm 102:17)

Although it felt as if the opportunity had been lost, I heeded my friend's question and prayed after the fact for this woman. The following day, I had a conversation with the person who is basically my counterpart at another church and I explained that she might be coming his way since we mentioned his church as a possible resource.

"Well, it must have been God-ordained" he said. "Last night, I attended a meeting and sat next to a woman who runs a program that is specifically geared toward helping people like this woman. Do you happen to have her contact information?"

In fact, I did. Although I had no idea why I might contact her, before she left, I asked for her phone number "just in case anything came up."

I provided him with that number and he was going to have the program reach out to her.

At this point, I don't know if they've made contact with her, but I do know this...This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us - whatever we ask - we know that we have what we asked of Him. (1 John 5:14-15)

The need is great, but my resources are not too small.

Neither are yours.

We possess the most powerful resource of all.

Prayer.

The Least of These - Offering Warmth in the Dead of Winter

Today I'm honored to have my story "The Least of These" featured at Circles of Faith. 

If you've had enough of the cold and the snow, can you imagine what it's been like for the homeless? 

This weekend, a number of folks from my church will be headed to the Salvation Army Drop In Center in Trenton, New Jersey to serve a meal and hand out some warm hats, socks and blankets.  I pray this story inspires you to go out into your own communities and make a difference...

Throughout the evening, the snow had silently fallen, blanketing everything under six inches of pristine whiteness.  Most people had made what my friend calls their “French toast run” – the obligatory dash for bread, milk, and eggs.  When morning broke bright and clear, my urban neighborhood was uncharacteristically quiet.

I slept until the cat pawed my face for her morning meal. Once she was fed, I put the tea kettle on and sat at the dining room table to read my Bible.  It wasn't long before the sounds of metal scraping concrete filled the air as people dug out.  click to continue

Early Morning Encounter

I crawled into bed at 2:30 in the morning.  After a long weekend of  four Christmas presentations at church, doing almost all my Christmas shopping in one day and baking the 5th round of cookies in 3 weeks, I was dead-dog tired.  I had the next 3 days off and was looking forward to sleeping in on Christmas Eve day.

 Until the urgent ringing of the doorbell ripped me out of a sound sleep.

It was still dark in my bedroom and in my sleep-induced haze I struggled to focus on the clock.  5:25 am.  What on earth?  The doorbell continued.  Someone was trying hard to get my attention.

Thoughts raced through my mind...did someone hit my car and want to alert me?  Was the house on fire?  Who could it possibly be and what did they want at this ungodly hour?!!

I ran down the stairs, my heart beating hard...no smoke...no fire...so far so good...but in my stupor I had to think hard to act responsibly once I got to the door.  "DON'T OPEN IT!  Look out the window" I silently instructed myself.

There was a man pacing on the porch.  He was small in stature...maybe 5'6"...slight build...with a beard.  He wore a sweatshirt, jeans and hat - but no gloves or coat. 

"What do you want sir?" I yelled through the door.

"Ambulance" he said in broken English.  "Call an ambulance" and he put his hand on his lower back in pain.

I ran back up to my bedroom and grabbed my cell, my fingers shaking as I punched in 9-1-1.

"Where is your emergency?" answered the voice.

"On my front porch.  There's a man I don't know on my porch who says he needs an ambulance.  I'm a little freaked out."  By this time, I'd made it back to the door and could see the stranger still pacing on my porch.

"We'll send a police officer and an ambulance."

Once again, I yelled through the front door..."I called for an ambulance!"  "God bless you" was the reply.

It was bitter cold outside...there was frost on the cars.  I knew my unexpected visitor had to be freezing, but letting him inside wasn't an option.  Then I remembered a man's coat hanging in the hall closet.  I'm not really sure where it came from, but it was like new and my son never wore it.  I took it off the hanger and went back to the front door to see an officer had arrived.

The man was talking to the officer, so I unlocked the front door, and placed the coat on a chair.  "Here's a coat" I called out to him..."put it on".  I went back to the closet to look for a pair of gloves.

Not finding any, I returned to look out the front door, and saw somehow, he'd reversed the jacket and put it on inside out.  He was struggling to zip it.  I unlocked the door again and said to the officer "he's got it on backward...can you help him?  And he can keep it."

By the time she'd helped him off with the coat and got it back on right side out, the ambulance pulled up and helped him inside.

He was gone, but the encounter left me a little shaken and filled with questions...chief among them was why did he come to my door?  

With all my community outreach involvement this month, there had been no time to decorate my house for the holiday.  Almost every other home on my block was cheery and inviting, decked out with wreaths and bows and twinkling lights.  In sharp contrast, there were no candles in my windows, no greenery on the railings or door, no lights inside or out.  But he came up on my porch and rang the bell over and over and over again. 

I have to wonder...would someone else have called for an ambulance?  When they saw him through the window, would they have pretended not to notice?   Or maybe instead of heading back to bed, would they have chased him off their porch and back into the early morning cold?  Did God bring him to me because He knew I had the coat this stranger needed?

Hebrews 13:2 (NLT) says "Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers, for some who have done this have entertained angels without realizing it!"

I don't know if he was homeless or confused or an angel, but it really doesn't matter, does it?

Luke 6:31 (NLT)...says "Do to others as you would like them to do to you", and that's the bottom line. 

Toting Baggage

Yesterday I worked a bi-annual event called "Homeless Connect Day" in Trenton, New Jersey. Several non-profits host the event where the homeless can receive hair cuts, vision care, acupuncture, chiropractic services, massages and health screenings. In addition, they can pick up information on housing, VA benefits, legal assistance, receive help getting an ID so they can get benefits, and more. Clothing and food are also available.

In order to get these services, attendees must first answer a brief questionnaire to gather information on a number of factors regarding their homelessness. The compiled information is used when planning projects, lobbying for funding and more. 

I've been working these events for the past 3 years stationed in the "exit booth". It's my job to ask attendees what they did and didn't like about the event, how they heard about it, what was most helpful and what was missing that might have been beneficial for them.

That's how I met Denise. 

Many attendees just want to gather their "freebies", food and leave, but Denise needed to talk, so I listened. 

She told me she was grateful for the places around the city where she could stay, but her great need was for a place to leave her things during the day. Many shelters only provide a bed for the night, and come morning, all her possessions need to be packed up and toted with her everywhere throughout the day. 

Denise's health was suffering from the energy required to do that day in and day out - in the extreme heat of summer and the freezing cold of winter.

As a result, when I offered her some free items her response was "no thank you - I just can't add to the weight of what I already have to carry around. In fact, I may just give you back this bottle of water because it's so heavy."

I encouraged her not to return it, but instead to drink it along the way - it was an extremely hot day and the water would be beneficial.

As she left the event to face the challenge of her burden, I wondered how many of us carry our baggage like Denise...not physically, but spiritually.

We don't have to be homeless  to lug our baggage wherever we go.  

We may very well have a nice roof over our heads and a comfortable bed to sleep in every night, but we're still carrying our "stuff" with us day in and day out. 

And it's beginning to wear us down...tax our strength and our heath.  We don't know how to let it go and think we can't function without it. 

It's become part of our daily routine. 

In fact, rather than unpack it to lighten the load, we wish there was a place to keep it safe. We may even refuse a free gift and life-giving water because our hands are so full, what's being offered looks like it will just weigh us down further. 

In Matthew 11:29-30, Jesus said "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  When we take on His yoke, we are able to lay down our burdens - the trade doesn't increase the weight - it lightens the load.

And in John 4:13-14 we are told "Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." Once again, the trade off is for something that is far better.

So what is weighing you down today? 

What baggage do you need to unpack? 

Anger?  Shame?  Jealousy?  Pride?  Hatred?  Loneliness?

Don't store it away.  Those types of burdens get heavier over time. 

And don't carry them with you wherever you go...they will affect everything else you try to do.

Right now, open your suitcase. Ask God to remove all the things that make it difficult to move forward. As He discards the burdensome hurts and issues He'll fill it with free things that are light as a feather - His love, His peace, His mercy.

Then drink deeply of the water He offers. You'll never be thirsty again.

Today's Menu: Soup and Sandwich...or Banquet?

A warm bowl of soup.  A turkey and cheese sandwich.  A sweet apple, tangy orange, chewy cookies and something refreshing to drink.  It doesn't take much to fill the stomach and warm the soul.  Today I worked with a number of people who cooked and baked, prepped and served to provide a meal - and a pair of warm socks - for about 80 or so people who live on the streets and in the shelters of my city.

I prayed for this outreach on my way to the church.  Prayed that there would be enough food for everyone - and as usual, God made sure there was enough for all and enough to serve them again tomorrow.  I'm always amazed at how whatever we bring stretches far beyond what we anticipate.

I also prayed for the people we would come in contact with.  So often, I see the same faces at different programs and outreaches around the city.  I thought about what it must be like to exist from meal to meal, program to program.  I prayed that God would help them break the cycle and habits that held so many in the bondage of poverty.  There are many reasons people find themselves on the streets...the ones we 'typically' think of  that tend to afflict the chronically homeless - drug and alcohol abuse, mental illness, lack of education keeping them from finding a job to sustain a decent level of living, even a poverty mindset that can hold a family captive for generations.  Then there are some reasons that don't jump as easily to mind - the mom and kids who have fled an abusive situation, vets who come back from service to find they are unable to hold a job because of physical or mental disabilities from their time overseas.  Or maybe they just can't find a job...period.  And with the economy in such a bad state, people who never thought they would have to find a way to survive on a daily basis find themselves without a job, and ultimately, without a home.  Believe it or not, there are even some who have become so used to living in this transient state, that even when offered housing, they decline, content to roam the streets because it's their comfort zone.

It was this last group that had me thinking today while I was praying about breaking harmful patterns.  I wondered how it could be that someone would refuse stability.  A house to go home to.  A bed to sleep in every night.  But then it dawned on me.  God offers to feed our soul.  To fill our spirits.  To warm our hearts.  But often, we decline.  Why would we decline the stability of Peace that passes understanding or a Love so great it would sacrifice something precious like an only Son to rescue us?  Are we afraid of the responsibility that might place on us?  If we accept God's gift, then will we be required to do something in return?  Our fear of the unknown is so great that we settle for the scraps that we know - or think we know - we can depend on.  We settle for a sandwich when He says He's prepared a banquet.
Are we so different in our thinking from our brothers and sisters living on the street?  Are we not also caught in habits and cycles that hold us prisoner?  I too have been guilty of falling back into unhealthy patterns and settling for less.  Have you?  We may not be a slave to drugs or alcohol, but what has a hold of you today that is keeping you from living a life of plenty rather than want?  Are you a poor steward of your finances?  Filled with worry?  Bound by feelings of anger, regret, insecurity?

Poverty is not just a financial state of being.  You can be poor in spirit - settling for less of a life than God intends you to live.  Christ said in John 10:10  "The thief comes on in order to steal and kill and destroy.  I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows). (Amplified Bible). 

Poverty of finances is easy to see, therefore, it is easy to assume we are 'better off' than those without.  But I submit to you today that if you are not living life to the full, accepting God's gift of salvation and relying fully on Him for ALL your needs, you are homeless in the worst sense...eternally homeless.  Don't decline the offer of mansion housing.  Don't settle for less than the full meal He's prepared for you.  Don't allow a mindset of poverty to keep you from the riches of His love and mercy.

A Call to Change

I had a blog post in mind today but I decided to write something different after reading what my dear friend Pam wrote in her blog, "In The Shadow of His Wings".  You'll find the link under 'Blogs I follow’ on the side of this page.  Now when you read her post today, "Change of Direction", you'll see that she refers to me and my blog.  We are not having a mutual admiration society meeting today, I promise…although I am truly blessed by the way she expresses what God lays on her heart.  I’m bringing it up because I too had a “change of direction” experience today.

I spent the early part of this week on vacation in Ocean City, New Jersey and during my short stay, I developed a routine. 
 Up by 6:15, I made a warm cup of tea, grabbed my Bible and my Jesus Calling devotional (Pam also refers to this book – I highly recommend it!) and went out on the back porch to read, journal and pray while I watched the sunrise over the ocean.  Then I’d head out for an hour long walk along the beach before plunking a chair in the sand and relaxing. 

I came home Thursday and, I’m sorry to say, while I started with a devotional and prayer time, there was no walk, just time spent catching up on church business, checking my work and personal email, Facebook and the like.  Friday was worse.  NO time with God, just hit the ground running after spending a fairly sleepless night fighting a stomach bug.   It bothered me all day as I kept thinking “there’s still time to read and pray…I’ll get to it right after…fill in the blank.”  Needless to say, that time never came.

So this morning I knew there were no excuses.  I fired up the tea kettle, grabbed my books and headed for my front porch.  I live in the city - Trenton, in fact.  Know anything about the capital of New Jersey?  Let’s just say clean air and beaches, it doesn’t have.  Still, it was a cool, clear morning and no one was up and about in the neighborhood yet.  I spent some time with the devotional, my Bible and journaling, but got a chill.  I moved inside, sat on the couch and started to pray.  Now, when I pray at home, I tend to do so with my eyes open.  I hope that doesn’t shock anyone.  I do that, because it becomes much more of a real conversation for me when I pray out loud, eyes open, just like I would converse with any of you.  Problem was, my email was up on the computer, and my eyes kept being drawn to it.  Finally, I said, “You know what God?  Why don’t we go for a walk?  It’s been too long since I’ve been to the lake – why don’t we walk and talk for an hour?”  And just like that, things changed direction.

As I eased my car into the marina parking lot, I saw a sign “3^rd Annual Walk to End Homelessness.”  I’m not sure if I’ve ever really gone into what I do at my church, but I oversee an outreach ministry called “CommunityConnections” and we do a lot of work with the homeless.  I laughed out loud and said, “Well, God, I thought this walk was my idea, but it would seem you wanted me here.”  I got out of the car, walked up to the registration table and introduced myself.  The woman behind the table was the founder of the organization holding the walk. “Homeless to Independence, Inc.”  She and I chatted for a little, exchanged business cards and I was off on my walk.

The path around the lake and through the park is about a mile and a half one way.  I prayed and praised and softly sang as I made my way through the park.  At one point, two doe came silently out of the woods, turned and gave me just the slightest of glances, then crossed into the stand of trees on the other side of the path.  In the seconds it took to reach where they’d been, they had disappeared into the vegetation.  When I hit the halfway point, I turned around.  About a quarter of the way back, I noticed a sign on one of the trees.  Someone had written in fancy script, Eph. 3:18 “And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.”  That verse was especially meaningful to me because as I was de-stressing down by the ocean just a few days before, the lyrics to a Dave Pettigrew song haunted me as I looked at the vast expanse of water…"Every day I think so small.  Not seeing who you are or how you surround me.   There are so many times I fall.  But from my knees, I learn to see, how high you carry me.   What could separate us from your mighty hands?  Not death, not life, nor hell on earth could ever stand a chance. How deep, how wide, how strong, is the love of Jesus.”  I was surprised by the sign, because I was sure it hadn’t been there on my first pass, and yet I didn’t see anyone carrying signs to hang.  I smiled and thanked God for the personal message. 

A few hundred feet down, I spied another…Isaiah 40:9 & 10: I am God, the only God you've had or ever will have— incomparable, irreplaceable— From the very beginning telling you what the ending will be, All along letting you in on what is going to happen, Assuring you, 'I'm in this for the long haul, I'll do exactly what I set out to do.'  A few hundred feet more and there was another sign, then another, and yet another…all the way back, messages of God’s love and faithfulness. 

When I got back to the registration table, the folks from Homeless to Independence and I chatted a little further and discussed possible ways our ministry and their organization could work together.  I don’t know what God has in store, but I know there are no coincidences…only Godincidences.  And I know the change of direction this morning - both in thought (my purposeful decision to spend quality time with God) and in action (getting off the couch to head to the lake) - were changes that honored and pleased God.  Pam obeyed the invitation to change her plans and was rewarded with beautiful sights and a peaceful time with Jesus.  I obeyed the call to change my behavior and was rewarded with a sweet time of communion with God, words of encouragement, and a possible new ministry connection.  What reward will you miss if you don't listen for the call to change?