Back to the Bench

It all started right here.

Ten years ago - it seems hard to believe it's been a decade - my heart was heavy. Almost inconsolable.

Then I began what I called Lakeside Services.

On this very bench, as I took in glorious sunsets each evening, I would cry out to God in my pain and ask Him a lot of "whys?"

I didn't get an answer to every question, but surrounded by the beauty of His creation, I found peace and comfort in the midst of the storm.

I went back to the beginning of this blog today. Back six years looking for one of my early posts that spoke of that time. When I pulled up Lakeside Services I was surprised at what I read, but honestly, I shouldn't have been.

The verse that has defined the past three months for me was there once again. The verse I wrote about last month in Flood and Fire.

Isaiah 43:2: When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.

In the Flood and Fire post I shared about my recent cancer journey. I have been blessed in that it was caught early, treatment was short and uneventful, and the prognosis is good. (Although prayers are gratefully accepted for my one month follow up July 3rd!)

What I didn't share was the other half of the past three months. The part of the journey that is the more emotionally taxing for me than even a cancer diagnosis.

The same day I received that news, my brother reappeared after more than a year; homeless, desperate, and looking for help.

He is almost four years younger than me, but hard living most of the past few decades has taken its toll. Most people think I'm the younger sibling by as much as 10 years.

He now suffers from short-term memory loss and a host of health issues. When he resurfaced it was from a place a little lower than rock bottom.

My profession is working with people in desperate situations. My office is often their last resort.

I thought that would have prepared me for working with my brother, but I was wrong.

No matter how intense the needs and demands of others who walk through my door, I could still go home at night, pray for them and move on to other things.

Not so when it's family.

There are no "work hours" and "down time."

It's all the time. 

The phone rings early in the morning and late at night. Work and weekends get shifted around to accommodate visits to social services, Social Security, and doctors offices.

I thought I was awesomely juggling all the balls in the air until the day the wrong button got pushed. I dropped him off at the temporary shelter where he's been staying the past three months and sobbed all the way home.

It didn't make sense to me. I was angry with him and his behavior - why on earth was I crying?

But cry I did. The ugly cry. The shoulder-heaving, snot running, torrents of tears so-thick-I-could-barely-see-the-road cry. And when I thought it had stopped, it started all over again.

The next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, tears lived in the rims. The mere thought of having to deal with him pushed those droplets over the edge and down my cheeks.

It wasn't my nature to be so down for so many days on end.

Through it all, I have continued to force myself to sit down and work on a writing assignment and my book. I would leave work, then write for several hours. I have deadlines to meet and I spent many days going from the computer screen at work to the computer screen at home.

Last night as I drove home I noticed the sunset, and the lake called to my spirit. I can't tell you how many long, long months it has been since I sat on my bench and watched the sun slip below the horizon.

I almost didn't heed the call.

At the last minute I rerouted myself and headed toward the park. It was 8:30 and the sun was already hanging low in the sky. As I drove in the direction of the marina, I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.

There was a fawn prancing around it's mom, then taking off in wild abandon. It stopped in its tracks, abruptly changed directions, and charged off again.

I pulled off on the side of the road to watch for a full two minutes, laughing at the fawn and his joyous play.

It immediately lifted my spirits. 

I slowly drove off, then pulled my camera out of my purse, turned around, and was thrilled to see him still at it so I could record his antics.

A few minutes later I continued to the marina and headed down to the water with my camera.

The lake and the sunset did not disappoint. I sat on the bench and listened to the "whizzzz" of the fisherman's line being cast and the "plunk" as the weight hit the water to pull the hook below the surface, tantalizing the fish below with a worm or minnow.

I smelled the sweetness of the honeysuckles hanging in the air.

And I felt the warm breeze on my face.

This is where it all began for an aching heart searching to find joy again.

This heart, once more heavy with the struggles of this life, has returned to ask new why's. To seek answers once again in the stillness and beauty of creation.

To hear Him whisper "I am with you always, Toni. Sometimes in this life you will go through storms, but I am in control."

This heart has come back to the bench.

A Smile In Her Heart

She's struggled a lot...four kids, health issues, and no real income to speak of. She was on the wait list for a car, but after a year or so, she somehow scraped together a few dollars to buy a van that was better left in the junk yard. After months of trying to help her fix it each time it left her stranded on the side of the road, I told her no more good money after bad. She needed to junk it. We put her back on the wait list.

It was a long wait. Neighbors took advantage of Mary's need (I've changed her name) and charged her daughter outrageous amounts for rides to work. Often, promises of rides fell through and Mary would miss doctor appointments and trips to the food pantry.

Even after I matched her up with a vehicle, she had hurdles to overcome. Her purse had been stolen weeks before, and with it, her license and social security card. So in anticipation of getting the keys, she needed to get duplicates. She waited two weeks for a ride to the county court house to replace the social security card.

Last Friday, after having her picture taken and waiting in line for her finalized paperwork, the Division of Motor Vehicles' computer system for licenses went down - statewide. It looked like she would have to wait longer still to get behind the wheel.

Mary pleaded her case to the person behind the counter. Amazingly, they relented, handing over her ID and making her promise to return when the computers came back up to handle the final step.

She was the last person that day to get a license.

But the fight wasn't over. Back in my office all she had was a policy number for her insurance company. I told her I needed a temporary card faxed or emailed over. She got on the phone with the insurance company and they couldn't find any notes adding the new van. It was an annoyance, but we didn't think too much about it - she simply had to answer a few questions again.

They put her on hold.

Fifteen minutes...Thirty minutes...Forty-five minutes. The rep came back on, walked her through the questions, and as she was ready to hit "send", the computer went down and all the information was lost. Again!

Mary was told to call back in a few minutes. She was an hour and a half into this latest odyssey and felt utterly defeated. It seemed like the van sitting right outside my office, so close, was just out of reach.

She started to cry. 

As she dialed again and was put on hold once more, I looked at her and said "Mary, I'm done. This is ridiculous. Enough is enough - we need to pray!"

I asked God to bind all that was at work creating havoc with the process. I acknowledged His power over not only people but situations. I asked for peace for Mary as He worked out all the details.

In less than two minutes, a rep came on, walked her through the application, and emailed her a temporary card.

In I John 5:14 we are reminded: This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.

From there on out, it was smooth sailing. Mary went back to the DMV, got the title transferred to her name and received the new registration.

Twenty-seven months after being put on the wait list the first time, Mary got her van. Not only wasn't it held together with tape and a prayer like her last vehicle, it had the bonus of a DVD player for her two younger kids. She was over the moon.

But Mary's story doesn't end there.

The following day, she loaded up her family in that new van and came to the Easter Brunch we hold for our food pantry clients.

After a delicious lunch and a time of egg decorating, kids from our children's ministry drama team called Family Time Live, put on a show. The theme that day was "hope...believing that something good can come out of something bad."

After the show, as everyone was leaving, Mary took me aside.

"I know you keep telling me to trust God and believe Him, but today, those kids got to me. I finally understood. I had been smiling with my lips, but now, I'm smiling with my heart. I saw something good come out of something bad!"

There were tears in her eyes again, but this time, they were tears of joy.

My friend, when it seems like the wait is never-ending...when it feels like the answer to your need is just out of reach...do not despair. Something good can come out of something bad.

James 1:17 tells us this truth - "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

We are commanded in Psalm 27:14 to"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."

And in Psalm 5:3 it says "In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice; in the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch."

Eagerly watch in anticipation of His answer.

Be strong and take courage that He is faithful to uphold His promises.

Pray in expectation of what God is doing and has already done even though you don't see it yet.

He will take your circumstances, no matter how hopeless and somehow, someway, make something good come out of them. He'll put a smile in your heart.

Just ask Mary.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Thirty years ago I sang along with Tom Petty...the waiting is the hardest part".

I had no idea at 23 how true those words were.

As I read my Bible today, I found this verse highlighted from three years ago this very day: 1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

It's always easier to see that "in due time" is the perfect time after we've come through the waiting time.

None of us likes to wait.

Romans 5:3 tells us "We can  rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance."

But we don't want endurance.  Endurance takes too much time to develop.  We look at the things holding us back from our perceived prize and become Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka declaring "I want it NOW!!"

The problem with insisting on our own way, with trying to manipulate our circumstances to bring about our desires, is that it ends badly, as little Veruca discovered.

Thank goodness for the next verses, Romans 5:4-5, which show us what happens when we stay the course.

"And endurance produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love."

"And this hope will not lead to disappointment."

Let that sink in a moment. If we hang on...if we are patient...if we wait for the "due time"...we will not be disappointed.

When I highlighted that verse three years ago I was newly divorced. There were many cares to cast on God. Finances, relationships, family heath concerns. Each passing year brought more difficulties to slog through. It was a deep, wide, valley of cares.

As time went on, I moved toward the mountain, but often its sheer size was all I could see in front of me.

I felt the sharp stones on the path under my feet.

I scraped my hands on unyielding rock.

Yet when I thought I could not hold on another second, I would look up and see the Father's hand reaching down. He beckoned me not to cling to the rock, but to Him. And He would show me in so many ways that He was still there, waiting with me.

In this life we will have trouble. It will never go away.

But like the psalmist, I am also confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

I am seeing it even now, even today.

God's due time has come to pass in the last few months.

For this chapter of my life anyway. I'm sure there's more enduring and character building to come.

In my last blog post of 2013, on the eve of this new year, I said I was trusting Him for a place to live and a ministry with eternal impact.

He has granted both and more.

In June, He provided a beautiful place to live.

He brought my vision of donating fresh vegetables to the food bank through a church garden to fruition.

He has provided me a new job that I'll begin next week. More than just a job, it is a the chance to make my passion for reaching out to the community with the love of Christ in tangible ways into my profession as I enter full time ministry service.

And He has given me the assurance that the ministry He used me to build over the past four years, CommunityConnections, will now be led by someone who loves its vision and purpose as much as I do.

In due time, He brought all this about. None of it came quickly. There was a lot of endurance and character building in the process. But in looking back, it is obvious that it is the perfect time. Three years ago, I was not ready to take on what has transpired this year. The good OR the bad. I needed the time for God to stretch, and teach, and grow me.

But from the top of this current mountain, the view is spectacular, and breathtaking, and very much worth the wait.

How has God had you wait this year? I would love to hear how He has brought you through it.

And if you're still waiting, how has He shown that He is there with you in the wait?

Life out of Death

Winter seemed to last forever in New Jersey this year.  Maybe it's because we took our cue from that furry rodent, Punxsutawney Phil.  You know, that groundhog who gets pulled out of his hole every February 2nd by a man wearing a top hat and overcoat.

Maybe this year, Phil just got tired of the early morning disturbance of his slumber and decided to teach us all a lesson by predicting an early spring.  I can hear that woodchuck chuckle over our disillusionment as we continue to turn on the heat in the evenings and wear heavy coats well into April.  But I digress...

This past week, temps soared into the high 70's and low 80's. And while the weekend rolled around to unveil a more moderate 60-65, we were still blessed with two beautiful days.

My friend Pam from In The Shadow Of His Wings shares some of her stunning photography of the lake at sunrise this weekend.  As she details in her post, Jesus called her to come away with him to a quiet place and led her there.

I had a similar experience Saturday morning, although not quite early enough to catch the sunrise.  I had been wrestling with something since Wednesday so as soon as I woke to sun streaming in my window, I knew I needed to connect with Him by the waterside to unburden my heart .

When I arrived, I was met with color.  I had been so wrapped up in my troubles, I hadn't realized that some plants had begun to bloom in the past few days.


The long winter had taken its toll on my spirit, but down by the lake that all began to melt away.  I no longer felt dormant and lifeless and cold.  It is impossible not to smile in the presence of Forsythia.  

And seeing the landscape of trees beginning to bud and flower reminded me of God's promise of rebirth through nature.  The hope of life out of death.  No matter what might have been burdening my heart, it was not the end...there was another season on the horizon.

As I walked the trails, I listened to a song by Frances Drost called "A Psalm of the Free One" that says in part..."Though I walk through the valley of the death, I know that I will bloom again.  In the desert places, you are my joy, and I am yours oh Lord.  You will guide me with all of your heart.  You will love me with all of your might.  For I am your child and your friend.  And you have heard my prayer."

You may still feel the ravages of winter in your life, but rest assured, Spring is coming.  God hears your prayers and you will bloom again.  

The Consistency of Being Inconsistent

Today is February 17th...it has been 48 days since the big shiny ball dropped and shouts of "Happy New Year!" were echoed far and wide.

Almost 7 weeks since I wrote on "Consistency" - my one word for this new year.  

Ever notice the minute you draw a line in the sand or make a declaration, things happen to challenge your stance?.

My goal was...is...to be consistent in every area of my life - nothing like making things easy on myself, right?  While total consistency would be wonderful, Bible reading, exercise, and writing were three areas I highlighted.


Week one and two went great!  I was writing daily and published 5 posts.  I ordered an exercise tape and started working out...I was shooting for at least 3 times a week with an ultimate goal of 5 days.  I was making my breakfast at home instead of eating it in front of my computer at work, packing a daily lunch and opening my Bible each day, reading a devotional, doing a little studying, praying over the scriptures.

And then I got derailed.

I went away for a long weekend.  It was my birthday.  Someone at work retired.  Ministry outreaches needed to be planned.  I visited family down South during an 8-day trip.


With all those things going on...all those special reasons to eat...all those changes to my routine...all those things - even good things - that add pressure...I felt my tenuous commitment to consistency start to slip.   I slept in on work days getting my day off to a rushed start.  I ate too much.  I didn't work out.  I had no time to write.  I didn't open my Bible.  I didn't plan my meals.

Finger by finger I lost my grip. 

Some days I'd try to scramble back on track.  I'd get up and do the exercise tape, but with no dinner planned, I grazed all night long.  I started 5 more posts, but they'll most likely never see the light of day.  The immediacy of what I was writing about has passed.  I didn't read my Bible first thing in the morning, so I'd promise myself I'd do it after breakfast, after the movie, after the visit, right before bed.  Prayers were often relegated to "thanks for the food", or "get us there safe". 

I felt a little like the Dutch boy who stuck his finger in a hole in the dike only to have more and more holes open up as water spilled out everywhere.

 Here I was, 3 weeks in and I couldn't keep it together.

I'm so thankful for the promise in Lamentations 3:22 - 23 "The faithful love of the LORD never ends!  His mercies never cease.  Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." (NLT emphasis mine).  

I am forever grateful that God's love for me is not dependent on my performance. While my only consistency may be in acknowledging my inconsistency, God is the same yesterday, today and forever...His love is faithful and unending not because of who I am or who I aspire to be but because of who HE is. 

I'm not excusing my lack of follow through.  But I am saying my momentary failures don't rule out hope.  Every day is a new chance to try again.  A clean slate.  A fresh start.  A chance to be more Christ-like.  

A chance to be more consistent.

Hope

Life sucking depression. 

That was the term he used.  And then he said, "you don't understand it...you can try, you can say you do, but unless you experience it, you never will." 

It tore at my heart, because I knew he was right.  I wanted to be able to understand this monster that pulls him down and renders him unable to sleep, or work, or function "normally".  I wanted to say "I've been there and it will get better", but I have not walked that path.

I have lived through the loss of a job, my mom's death at 45, verbal abuse, infidelity, and the break up of a marriage. 

But through all of that, through all the gut wrenching despair, anguished prayers and oceans of tears, I never lost hope.

And hope is what he lacks.  Hope that it will get better.  Hope that there is victory over this hell on earth. 

While my relationship with God may have been tenuous in the past, with each hardship it has grown stronger.  I cling to verses like Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

I wish that, like a blood transfusion, I could give him some of my hope.  I would gladly lay on an operating table and let the surgeon cut out a piece of my heart...my heart filled with hope for him and his future, and have it sewn onto his...a patch of hope to combat the despair that leaks out of his heart to course through his veins and poison every part of his being.  

But I can't.

What I can do is pray.  So often we say "all we can do is pray."  But praying is everything, not the only thing.  It needs to be our first defense, not our last resort. 

I can hear some people now saying, you can't just pray this away...he needs treatment.  And he gets it.  I fully believe that God has gifted people with the knowledge to understand our minds and bodies to aid in healing.  But he needs more than pills and platitudes.  More than trusting in an inward ability to work through the problems.  Hope is required.  Psalm 62:5 says:  "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him."

I haven't seen any answers to this prayer yet.  In fact, it sometimes seems that things are worse instead of  better. 

He's right.  I can't understand.  But God does.  And with all my ability I will point him in that direction, and trust that the life sucking depression will be replaced with hope in a life-giving God.  

I have hope.  And He has plans.  Amen.