He's In The Waiting

The days pass quickly even as time seems to be standing still.

I hold my breath and power through a litany of preparatory tests.

My mind reels from endless conversations with doctors.

Detail upon detail.

Information overload.

I've seen pictures of what to expect. They are hard to look at, but I don't want to be shocked when I see the results of the doctor's handiwork.

I am trying to wrap my mind around eight hours of surgery too.

I haven't really allowed myself to go beyond the operation to possible courses of treatment after the removal of this "thing" that has taken up residence in my body.

Despite all this, I feel incredibly calm most of the time. On occasion, a thought, a song, a word will cause tears to stream down my face. But mostly, even in the presence of so much uncertainty, I have peace. Truly a peace that passes understanding...there's no earthly reason for it.

Perhaps it is because I am trying hard to meditate on my one word for this year - Presence. I am doing my best to be present and full of praise in His Presence.

He is here,  even in the waiting. 

There is no room for fear in the presence of God's love and care. His Light drives out the darkness that fear dwells in.

Lord, please, let the lymph nodes be clear. That is my daily prayer. Wednesday they will remove two of them and Friday I should know the answer.

Good Friday.

Will it be good?

There was another Friday, more than 2,000 years ago when things didn't look so good on the surface.

The man who walked the earth proclaiming Himself to be the son of God, the Savior of world, hung on a cross and died.

What good could come from that?

The sky turned dark, thunder rolled, the temple curtain tore in two, and the man many had pinned their hopes on lay lifeless in a tomb.

For the followers of Christ, I'm sure it was a desperate time indeed.

God was with them in the waiting even though they didn't know it.

On the other side of the cross, I know that their despair would be short-lived. I know there was hope restored.

On the other side of my surgery date, Christ knows the answers to my desperate prayers. My hope is in Him.

On this side of that date, He is using His word and His people to bring me encouragement. Cards, emails, prayers, hugs, time spent in community with friends, buoy my faith.

Yesterday, Palm Sunday, I got a simple yet priceless gift. Two CDs of music that speak to my heart and along with them, a quote from Natalie Grant that praise precedes a miracle.

Palm Sunday was a day of praise, followed by a dark time, that preceded a miracle two millennia ago.

Now I envelop my mind in praise before  my own personal dark time through which I'm trusting for a miracle.

One of those songs of praise is Take Courage by Kristene DiMarco.

Slow down, take time
Breathe in He said
He'd reveal what's to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come.

Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing
He's never failing

Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on
Do not forget His great faithfulness
He'll finish all He's begun.

He's in the waiting. He is faithful. He'll reveal what's to come. Selah.

Psalm 27:13-14: I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

A Smile In Her Heart

She's struggled a lot...four kids, health issues, and no real income to speak of. She was on the wait list for a car, but after a year or so, she somehow scraped together a few dollars to buy a van that was better left in the junk yard. After months of trying to help her fix it each time it left her stranded on the side of the road, I told her no more good money after bad. She needed to junk it. We put her back on the wait list.

It was a long wait. Neighbors took advantage of Mary's need (I've changed her name) and charged her daughter outrageous amounts for rides to work. Often, promises of rides fell through and Mary would miss doctor appointments and trips to the food pantry.

Even after I matched her up with a vehicle, she had hurdles to overcome. Her purse had been stolen weeks before, and with it, her license and social security card. So in anticipation of getting the keys, she needed to get duplicates. She waited two weeks for a ride to the county court house to replace the social security card.

Last Friday, after having her picture taken and waiting in line for her finalized paperwork, the Division of Motor Vehicles' computer system for licenses went down - statewide. It looked like she would have to wait longer still to get behind the wheel.

Mary pleaded her case to the person behind the counter. Amazingly, they relented, handing over her ID and making her promise to return when the computers came back up to handle the final step.

She was the last person that day to get a license.

But the fight wasn't over. Back in my office all she had was a policy number for her insurance company. I told her I needed a temporary card faxed or emailed over. She got on the phone with the insurance company and they couldn't find any notes adding the new van. It was an annoyance, but we didn't think too much about it - she simply had to answer a few questions again.

They put her on hold.

Fifteen minutes...Thirty minutes...Forty-five minutes. The rep came back on, walked her through the questions, and as she was ready to hit "send", the computer went down and all the information was lost. Again!

Mary was told to call back in a few minutes. She was an hour and a half into this latest odyssey and felt utterly defeated. It seemed like the van sitting right outside my office, so close, was just out of reach.

She started to cry. 

As she dialed again and was put on hold once more, I looked at her and said "Mary, I'm done. This is ridiculous. Enough is enough - we need to pray!"

I asked God to bind all that was at work creating havoc with the process. I acknowledged His power over not only people but situations. I asked for peace for Mary as He worked out all the details.

In less than two minutes, a rep came on, walked her through the application, and emailed her a temporary card.

In I John 5:14 we are reminded: This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.

From there on out, it was smooth sailing. Mary went back to the DMV, got the title transferred to her name and received the new registration.

Twenty-seven months after being put on the wait list the first time, Mary got her van. Not only wasn't it held together with tape and a prayer like her last vehicle, it had the bonus of a DVD player for her two younger kids. She was over the moon.

But Mary's story doesn't end there.

The following day, she loaded up her family in that new van and came to the Easter Brunch we hold for our food pantry clients.

After a delicious lunch and a time of egg decorating, kids from our children's ministry drama team called Family Time Live, put on a show. The theme that day was "hope...believing that something good can come out of something bad."

After the show, as everyone was leaving, Mary took me aside.

"I know you keep telling me to trust God and believe Him, but today, those kids got to me. I finally understood. I had been smiling with my lips, but now, I'm smiling with my heart. I saw something good come out of something bad!"

There were tears in her eyes again, but this time, they were tears of joy.

My friend, when it seems like the wait is never-ending...when it feels like the answer to your need is just out of reach...do not despair. Something good can come out of something bad.

James 1:17 tells us this truth - "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

We are commanded in Psalm 27:14 to"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the Lord."

And in Psalm 5:3 it says "In the morning, O Lord, You will hear my voice; in the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch."

Eagerly watch in anticipation of His answer.

Be strong and take courage that He is faithful to uphold His promises.

Pray in expectation of what God is doing and has already done even though you don't see it yet.

He will take your circumstances, no matter how hopeless and somehow, someway, make something good come out of them. He'll put a smile in your heart.

Just ask Mary.

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Thirty years ago I sang along with Tom Petty...the waiting is the hardest part".

I had no idea at 23 how true those words were.

As I read my Bible today, I found this verse highlighted from three years ago this very day: 1 Peter 5:6-7 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

It's always easier to see that "in due time" is the perfect time after we've come through the waiting time.

None of us likes to wait.

Romans 5:3 tells us "We can  rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance."

But we don't want endurance.  Endurance takes too much time to develop.  We look at the things holding us back from our perceived prize and become Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka declaring "I want it NOW!!"

The problem with insisting on our own way, with trying to manipulate our circumstances to bring about our desires, is that it ends badly, as little Veruca discovered.

Thank goodness for the next verses, Romans 5:4-5, which show us what happens when we stay the course.

"And endurance produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love."

"And this hope will not lead to disappointment."

Let that sink in a moment. If we hang on...if we are patient...if we wait for the "due time"...we will not be disappointed.

When I highlighted that verse three years ago I was newly divorced. There were many cares to cast on God. Finances, relationships, family heath concerns. Each passing year brought more difficulties to slog through. It was a deep, wide, valley of cares.

As time went on, I moved toward the mountain, but often its sheer size was all I could see in front of me.

I felt the sharp stones on the path under my feet.

I scraped my hands on unyielding rock.

Yet when I thought I could not hold on another second, I would look up and see the Father's hand reaching down. He beckoned me not to cling to the rock, but to Him. And He would show me in so many ways that He was still there, waiting with me.

In this life we will have trouble. It will never go away.

But like the psalmist, I am also confident that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

I am seeing it even now, even today.

God's due time has come to pass in the last few months.

For this chapter of my life anyway. I'm sure there's more enduring and character building to come.

In my last blog post of 2013, on the eve of this new year, I said I was trusting Him for a place to live and a ministry with eternal impact.

He has granted both and more.

In June, He provided a beautiful place to live.

He brought my vision of donating fresh vegetables to the food bank through a church garden to fruition.

He has provided me a new job that I'll begin next week. More than just a job, it is a the chance to make my passion for reaching out to the community with the love of Christ in tangible ways into my profession as I enter full time ministry service.

And He has given me the assurance that the ministry He used me to build over the past four years, CommunityConnections, will now be led by someone who loves its vision and purpose as much as I do.

In due time, He brought all this about. None of it came quickly. There was a lot of endurance and character building in the process. But in looking back, it is obvious that it is the perfect time. Three years ago, I was not ready to take on what has transpired this year. The good OR the bad. I needed the time for God to stretch, and teach, and grow me.

But from the top of this current mountain, the view is spectacular, and breathtaking, and very much worth the wait.

How has God had you wait this year? I would love to hear how He has brought you through it.

And if you're still waiting, how has He shown that He is there with you in the wait?

Gorillas & Mules & Fools - Oh My!

Have you ever wanted to get something off your chest?  Put it all out on the table?  Address the gorilla in the room?  You know it's something that might have consequences once the words are out there but at that very moment, you're convinced you don't care - you just want to speak your mind!

I'm not always good at muzzling my thoughts.  (Right now those who know me best are uttering a sarcastic "Nooooooooooo, really?!!")  I have been known on more than one occasion to speak out of impulse and emotion because I just couldn't STAND the injustice of the situation another minute!

Basically, I stink at waiting.  That's problematic since waiting is generally needed for discernment, because waiting is often required to hear from God. 

On those occasions when I do manage to wait, it's often not silently and reverently with an ear toward the whisper in the wind. No, I'm much more likely to become head of the debate team. 

Yes, I, mere mortal that I am, try to explain to the God of the universe (read: argue with) why I should act in a certain manner. Forget that I'm full of faults and my past behavior of being the fool who rushes in where angels fear to tread has caused me nothing but embarrassment, heartache, or a full belly of crow. This time will be different!

Such was the case for me recently. I wrote a response to an email that I really, really, REALLY wanted to send. I was chomping at the bit to make my thoughts known, but I was counseled by two friends not to send it. I tweaked it. I saved it. I re-read it. I tried to talk both myself and my friends into the validity of it. They disagreed. I tweaked it some more.

The next day, I did what I should have done in the first place. I prayed for wisdom and discernment.  My prayer wasn't exactly textbook holy...it kind of went like this: "Lord, you know I can be stupid...please speak to me clearly through your Word this morning so I know what to do."

Be careful what you ask for if you really don't mean what you say. The devotional I read talked about being silent before God.  Seeking His face for guidance. I read the accompanying scriptures which were along the same vein, but then I noticed the previous year I had written in another scripture passage. I must behave this way more than I realize.

Psalm 32:8-9 says "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you."

Did I mention I had been 'chomping at the bit' to send the email? 

I deleted it. 

There's a saying "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt." It's very close to Proverbs 17:28 which says "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue."

Actually, Proverbs has a lot to say about fools. In 18:2 we read "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions" and in verse 7 of the same chapter it says "A fool's mouth is his undoing, and his lips are a snare to his soul." 

I'm sure if modern technology had been around in Biblical times the verses could just as easily have been written "A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in posting all his opinions on Facebook" and "A fool's keyboard is his undoing and his texts and emails are a snare to his soul." 

I don't know about you, but while I aspire to be many things, a fool is not among them. 

Words, whether spoken or written, can never be taken back. Once that "send" button is pushed, you may just be opening your mouth and removing all doubt as to your foolishness. Thank you Lord for answering my prayer with clear instruction and providing a second chance to act wisely!

Waiting or Abiding?

It's amazing what you can learn when you pick up a dictionary.  Well, okay,  it's been a long time since I've held the pages of that book in my hands...dictionary.com is my go to source anymore.  Like the encyclopedia, an actual dictionary is going the way of the dinosaur.  But I digress...

I was considering what to call this blog entry about where I've been the past month.  I typed in "abiding".  Then I thought..."that's not really a user friendly word.  Kind of 'old-fashioned' like a word you'd find in an old hymn.  Just a word that people won't relate to so much any more."  So I backspaced over it and typed..."waiting".   I really thought the words were synonyms...that they could be used interchangeably.

Then the wordsmith in me said 'look them up'.  So I did.  I think my wordsmithyness - okay that's not really a word, but, that thing in me that strives to use words that most closely and concisely convey my thoughts - that thing...was influenced by God.  Because this is what I found and it really does speak to the point I set out to make today:

"Waiting" used as an a noun means a period of waiting, pause, interval or delay.  As a verb, it means to remain inactive in a state of repose as until something expected happens.  A secondary meaning is to postpone or delay in expectation.  But "abiding" isn't ever used as a noun.  As an adjective, it means continuing without change; enduring; steadfast.   And as a verb?  To remain, continue, stay...to endure, sustain, or withstand without yielding or submitting.  Do you see the difference?

Waiting, even as an action, is passive.  Abiding requires an engagement of the senses...yes, it says remain and stay which don't indicate movement, but then it goes further.  It says 'endure'...which means to hold out against - it's an engagement of the will...'sustain' - support, hold, bear up, undergo, experience, suffer - an engagement of the body...'withstand' - hold out against, resist or oppose...engagement of the mind.  When you abide, it is no passive thing.  You may not be in forward motion, but every part of you is on alert.  You are in a fight - even if that fight is to not lose ground.  You are engaged body, mind, and spirit.

These past few weeks, my pen has been silent.  I have also stepped back from a number of ministry obligations.  But I am not in 'repose'.  Quite the opposite.  I am engaged in a battle.  It is a fight for things precious to me.  This 'down' time is not about putting my life on pause even though I'm clearing my calendar...it is about putting on the full armor of God at described in Eph. 6:10-18.

"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.  Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness.  For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.  In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere."

The passage above tells us to stand firm or stand our ground 3 times and it clearly shows the action involved in that...be strong, resist, be prepared, stay alert and be persistent in prayer. 

So while I'm going through this trial that I cannot delve into at this juncture, I am not laying back, waiting on God to move...I'm abiding in His presence, abiding in His love, and abiding in the truth of His promises.  I am actively enduring and withstanding.  Abiding is more than mere waiting...it is looking to God with hope and expectancy...abiding is not allowing the circumstances to wash over you...it is digging in your heels, eyes looking "to the hills from where my help comes". 

So I ask you...when you face troubles and trials...are you waiting anxiously for them to blow over as they put your life on pause?  Or are you abiding in God, putting on His armor, preparing for battle and standing firm?  Waiting or abiding...the difference is huge.