I hold my breath and power through a litany of preparatory tests.
My mind reels from endless conversations with doctors.
Detail upon detail.
Information overload.
I've seen pictures of what to expect. They are hard to look at, but I don't want to be shocked when I see the results of the doctor's handiwork.
I am trying to wrap my mind around eight hours of surgery too.
I haven't really allowed myself to go beyond the operation to possible courses of treatment after the removal of this "thing" that has taken up residence in my body.
Despite all this, I feel incredibly calm most of the time. On occasion, a thought, a song, a word will cause tears to stream down my face. But mostly, even in the presence of so much uncertainty, I have peace. Truly a peace that passes understanding...there's no earthly reason for it.
Perhaps it is because I am trying hard to meditate on my one word for this year - Presence. I am doing my best to be present and full of praise in His Presence.
He is here, even in the waiting.
There is no room for fear in the presence of God's love and care. His Light drives out the darkness that fear dwells in.
Lord, please, let the lymph nodes be clear. That is my daily prayer. Wednesday they will remove two of them and Friday I should know the answer.
Good Friday.
Will it be good?
There was another Friday, more than 2,000 years ago when things didn't look so good on the surface.
The man who walked the earth proclaiming Himself to be the son of God, the Savior of world, hung on a cross and died.
What good could come from that?
The sky turned dark, thunder rolled, the temple curtain tore in two, and the man many had pinned their hopes on lay lifeless in a tomb.
For the followers of Christ, I'm sure it was a desperate time indeed.
God was with them in the waiting even though they didn't know it.
On the other side of the cross, I know that their despair would be short-lived. I know there was hope restored.
On the other side of my surgery date, Christ knows the answers to my desperate prayers. My hope is in Him.
On this side of that date, He is using His word and His people to bring me encouragement. Cards, emails, prayers, hugs, time spent in community with friends, buoy my faith.
Yesterday, Palm Sunday, I got a simple yet priceless gift. Two CDs of music that speak to my heart and along with them, a quote from Natalie Grant that praise precedes a miracle.
Palm Sunday was a day of praise, followed by a dark time, that preceded a miracle two millennia ago.
Now I envelop my mind in praise before my own personal dark time through which I'm trusting for a miracle.
One of those songs of praise is Take Courage by Kristene DiMarco.
Slow down, take time
Breathe in He said
He'd reveal what's to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come.
Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing
He's never failing
Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on
Do not forget His great faithfulness
He'll finish all He's begun.
He's in the waiting. He is faithful. He'll reveal what's to come. Selah.
Psalm 27:13-14: I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
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