How Much Can You Handle?

We've all heard it said "God won't give you more than you can handle."

Someone may have even shared that sentiment with you during a difficult time.


They meant to encourage you, I'm sure.

God won't give you more than you can handle?

But what about when...

a loved one dies?

you lose all your worldly possessions to a natural disaster?

the doctor says "it's terminal."

When your world is crashing in and your heart feels like it will explode, does it really help to think, "well, at least God knew I could handle it or I wouldn't be going through this?"

If you unpack what's being said, it's not at all comforting and I don't really think it's accurate.

As my friend Pam said "If God never gives us more than we can handle, why would we need His Presence and His help? Our faith, like muscles never given a workout, would become atrophied."

But it's not just the "more than we can handle" part that I take issue with.

Do you believe a loving and gracious God sits on His throne deciding which hardship to bestow on us, only to watch us struggle under its weight?

That's not the God I know.

When these Job-sized trials - or any problem for that matter - hit, trying to handle them under our own power is futile. And unbiblical.

Proverbs 3:5 tells us to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

And Psalm 55:22 instructs "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken."

But I would also argue those trials aren't delivered directly from the hand of God. He hasn't "given" us the difficulties.

We live in an imperfect, fallen world. We may belong to God but that doesn't stop the father of lies from trying his best to trip us up, make us miserable, and get us to take our eyes off the One can get us through the storm.

John 16:33 reminds us "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

That's why I so appreciate the perspective twist in the pictured quote.

God helps us handle what we've been given.

It's not our own gritted teeth, pull ourselves up by the boot straps, inner strength and dogged determination that allows us to handle the difficult times with inexplicable peace.

It is God being true to His promise to never leave or forsake us, to walk with us each step of the way. Psalm 46:1-3 puts it this way "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

As I return to work after a 3 month absence due to a breast cancer diagnosis, I can tell you that if I believed for an instant that God gave me cancer because He knew I could handle it, I'd be rethinking our relationship.

With the same amount of certainty, I can assure you that the only way I was able to get through hearing the diagnosis, go through the litany of tests, an outpatient and inpatient surgery and weeks of grueling recovery is because He was there beside me, offering a refuge to run to when the fears threatened to overtake me and the tears wouldn't stop; when the pain was crushing and sleep wouldn't come; when I saw the scars for the first time and my patience was severely tested by a drain that was with me 6 weeks longer than the "norm."

His grace and mercy, love and peace were what made handling it all possible.

So my friend, the next time a hardship comes your way, remember that God isn't standing by at a distance watching to see if you can handle it, He's in the midst of it all, waiting for your to put your faith and trust in Him so He can help you through it.

He's In The Waiting

The days pass quickly even as time seems to be standing still.

I hold my breath and power through a litany of preparatory tests.

My mind reels from endless conversations with doctors.

Detail upon detail.

Information overload.

I've seen pictures of what to expect. They are hard to look at, but I don't want to be shocked when I see the results of the doctor's handiwork.

I am trying to wrap my mind around eight hours of surgery too.

I haven't really allowed myself to go beyond the operation to possible courses of treatment after the removal of this "thing" that has taken up residence in my body.

Despite all this, I feel incredibly calm most of the time. On occasion, a thought, a song, a word will cause tears to stream down my face. But mostly, even in the presence of so much uncertainty, I have peace. Truly a peace that passes understanding...there's no earthly reason for it.

Perhaps it is because I am trying hard to meditate on my one word for this year - Presence. I am doing my best to be present and full of praise in His Presence.

He is here,  even in the waiting. 

There is no room for fear in the presence of God's love and care. His Light drives out the darkness that fear dwells in.

Lord, please, let the lymph nodes be clear. That is my daily prayer. Wednesday they will remove two of them and Friday I should know the answer.

Good Friday.

Will it be good?

There was another Friday, more than 2,000 years ago when things didn't look so good on the surface.

The man who walked the earth proclaiming Himself to be the son of God, the Savior of world, hung on a cross and died.

What good could come from that?

The sky turned dark, thunder rolled, the temple curtain tore in two, and the man many had pinned their hopes on lay lifeless in a tomb.

For the followers of Christ, I'm sure it was a desperate time indeed.

God was with them in the waiting even though they didn't know it.

On the other side of the cross, I know that their despair would be short-lived. I know there was hope restored.

On the other side of my surgery date, Christ knows the answers to my desperate prayers. My hope is in Him.

On this side of that date, He is using His word and His people to bring me encouragement. Cards, emails, prayers, hugs, time spent in community with friends, buoy my faith.

Yesterday, Palm Sunday, I got a simple yet priceless gift. Two CDs of music that speak to my heart and along with them, a quote from Natalie Grant that praise precedes a miracle.

Palm Sunday was a day of praise, followed by a dark time, that preceded a miracle two millennia ago.

Now I envelop my mind in praise before  my own personal dark time through which I'm trusting for a miracle.

One of those songs of praise is Take Courage by Kristene DiMarco.

Slow down, take time
Breathe in He said
He'd reveal what's to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come.

Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing
He's never failing

Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on
Do not forget His great faithfulness
He'll finish all He's begun.

He's in the waiting. He is faithful. He'll reveal what's to come. Selah.

Psalm 27:13-14: I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Lessons from an Orchid

I was proud I'd kept the orchid given to me as a birthday gift alive for more than two years.

It was quite a feat since I have a "black thumb". I have killed hearty cacti, and now I was responsible for this exquisitely fragile flower.

Every Wednesday, I faithfully watered it and in return, it offered up delicate white flowers with veins of purple for my enjoyment.

But almost a year ago, I was away from the office for a period of time that encompassed two Wednesdays and had forgotten to leave instructions on watering in my absence.

When I returned, my heart sank. 

In that short time, the flowers had dropped off, and one of the two stems was brittle and dry. The second stem was in desperate need of water and the only signs of life were two leaves at the base that were browning around the edges.

I mourned my mistake and for a few moments considered tossing the whole thing out. Instead, I took out a pair of scissors and clipped the lifeless stalk. Although I doubted I could revive the remaining one, I again took to watering it weekly. 

There were many days I wondered if my efforts were wasted. There was no sign of change. Just a brown stick propped by stakes and flanked by those leaves that hung in there.

Then one day, a strange thing happened. 

I noticed a new leaf and "aerial roots".

For some reason, roots that should have been at the base of the plant, appeared at the top. I looked up the phenomenon and learned this:

Aerial roots function as anchors, affixing the plant to supporting structures such as trellises, rocks and walls.

While there was still no sign of a flower, it was obvious there was life and growth and I was encouraged.

With a renewed sense of purpose and the growing anticipation of possibility, I continued to water the plant.

Then last week, I walked into my office to find...

...four healthy buds just days away from popping open to display their elegant blooms.

It took months of blind faith and persistent watering with no promise of success, but ultimately, life sprang from death.

Hope has grown out of discouragement.

My friend, are you in season where all you see are the decaying remains of something once beautiful?

Perhaps a relationship has died. Or a dream has withered away. Money, once plentiful, dried up after a lost job. Life has a way of throwing us unexpected curves that can leave us feeling neglected, brittle, and in desperate need of care.

Have faith.

Although you may not see it, life remains. 

It may take a lot of time and patience and nurturing, but God will water your thirsty soul. And if you are willing to receive it, that water will slowly, perhaps ever so imperceptibly, bring life back to the surface.

In the process, some aerial roots may grow. Situations that don't seem to make sense at first, but that God has created to serve as anchors to the Rock.

Then one day, what you thought would never be possible, is right in front of you.

Life, in all its fullness and beauty, returns.

Hebrews 11:1 puts it this way: "Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."


Have faith. God is always present even when we can not see Him with our mortal eyes.

Is there something you're trusting God for today? Please share it with me in the comments - I'd love to pray for you, believing together that God will bring hope out of discouragement.

It Is Well

Last week we sang It Is Well in church.

As you can tell if you clicked through the link, this is not the famous hymn written by Horatio Spafford, but Kristene DiMarco's modern day version that shares just one of the famous lines and a variation on the accompanying tune "it is well, it is well, with my soul."

Most know the story that led to the original words being penned...

Spafford, a wealthy Chicago lawyer and devout Christian had a wife, four daughters and a son. Tragically, his young son died and not long after, he lost most of the real estate he owned in the Great Chicago Fire.

Two years later, in an effort to give his family a much needed vacation, he booked a boat trip to Europe. When last minute business came up, he sent them on ahead with the promise of catching up in a few days time. The ship collided with another and all four of his daughters drowned.

On board a boat taking him to his grieving wife in England, he wrote the words to It Is Well With My Soul.

The trials and tribulations of my life, difficult as they may have been to this point, pale in comparison to Spafford's. I am amazed at the depth of faith he had to bear so many tragedies and still say "it is well."

Still, as I meditated on the words of the chorus "And through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You. And through it all, through it all it is well. And through it all, through it all, my eyes are on You...and it is well with me" I reflected back over the past year.

It was a year that saw heartache as I shared in Permission to Grieve.

And it was a year that saw triumph even though The Waiting is the Hardest Part.

"So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name. It is well with my soul."

These words are so powerful to me. There is incredible freedom in them. Let go. Trust. He is still in control of the waves and wind of life. June 28th will be one year since I began a new journey with a new home, new job, and new church, and I am once again, living proof of His goodness. It really is well with my soul.

Is that easier to say on the other side of the difficulty? Most times, yes.

But saying - and believing - "it is well with my soul" as you're dealing with...

the divorce...

the job loss...

the cancer...

the betrayal of a close friend...

the passing of a loved one...

is where it has real meaning. In the midst of the wind and waves. Facing the mountain in front of us. Feeling the earth quake and pitch beneath our feet. Not knowing exactly what the outcome of the current trial will be. When we can say "it is well with my soul" because "through it all, our eyes are on Him", this is where faith grows.

Take this opportunity to listen to It Is Well if you haven't yet. Close your eyes and ponder..is it well with your soul?  I would love to hear the lessons of faith you have experienced through it all.

Miracles & Moments of Grace - A Review

Everyone loves a good story.  And if it's a true story of faith, courage, or Divine intervention all the better!

Today at Circles of Faith, I'm reviewing "Miracles & Moments of Grace - Inspiring Stories of Survival"written by friend and talented writer of seven books, Nancy B. Kennedy.

From the very first page of Nancy B. Kennedy's book, "Miracles & Moments of Grace - INSPIRING STORIES OF SURVIVAL", I was drawn in.  I found myself transfixed as I read about an 18-wheeler careening off the road, barreling into the unknown during a blinding dust storm.  I held my breath through the tale of a masked gunman who crashed a home jewelry party.  Tears flowed as I read the account of Emily, a two-year old little girl stricken with cancer.

Read the rest of the review here.  Read more about Nancy and her books here.

Giving Up Control

I've been writing a lot about trust this year, and for good reason.

But there's another lesson I'm being taught that I haven't jumped to write about. 

And there's a good reason for that too...it's not as "pretty". 





It's just as raw and real as learning to trust, and it's even related - in an ugly step-sister kinda way.

That lesson is humility.

A lesson I didn't realize I needed to learn.  A problem I didn't realize I had. 

When you think about it, it makes sense. 

Not trusting comes from wanting control. 

And being in control means the power is in YOUR hands.

Power is a heady feeling that doesn't play well with humility.

You see, the definition of humility is:  the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

 

When you think you're in control, you have an inflated opinion of your own importance, whether you realize it or not.

For me, the first inkling of a problem with humility came when I was faced with the very real possibility of being homeless.

Those who follow this blog know that I am in the process of selling my home with no profits to use to go elsewhere.

I have been forced to look at assistance programs and affordable housing which has wait lists many months long while I'm measuring time in weeks and days.

When I explain that to those assistance organizations, I am handed phone numbers for crisis situations, and those situations involve shelters.

Those who also follow this blog know that I am very involved in outreach, especially to those living in shelter situations.

But live in one?

The thought - and I am not proud of it...in fact, I am ashamed of it - crept in.

"But I'm not like those people."

Even though I don't live in an expensive home in the good part of town...even though I live hand to mouth...I had lifted myself above others.  I had a pride problem.

It was a disturbing and eye-opening truth to discover about myself, especially given my ministry.

Someone commented on my last post that she was sorry I had to go through this testing to learn what I am learning...and my response was one that has been rolling around in my brain since I wrote it.

I think the deeper our relationship with God, the harder the tests.

They have to get harder, because as we mature in our faith, God begins to dig deeper to get at those things that aren't as obvious.  Those things that hide in the corner of our hearts where we may not even realize they've taken root.

I thought about writing this sooner.  I thought about not writing this at all.  I thought about what others would think about me if I confessed my thoughts.

But when a sister sent me a snapshot of a devotional this morning, I knew it needed to be said.

It started out with "Sometimes My Sovereign hand - My control over your life - places you in humbling circumstances..."and the accompanying scripture was from 1 Peter 5:6 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time."

I don't know what my immediate future holds. 

If staying in a shelter is part of it, I pray I can humble myself to be thankful for a roof over my head. 

Make no mistake.  It is not what I desire and I pray that God will spare me that difficulty.  But I am told to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." 

I am thankful that He has exposed this part of my heart and brought it out into the light where He can now deal with it. 

In Psalm 139 23 & 24, David prayed "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

That's a brave prayer to pray.  You have to be willing to give up control.  To be humble.  To take the test regardless of the outcome. 

Are you ready to give up control?

A Step of Faith (Part 2)

In an email to a friend about my recent post, A Step of Faith, I recounted the rest of the story and half-joked "this should be part 2". 

But over at Godsizedreams.com this week, they're talking about how we can trust (a resounding theme in my life this year) that God's given us just what we need for those God-sized dreams.  So I've decided I really should share the rest of the story.

As I explained in A Step of Faith, God had miraculously provided all the funds I needed to attend the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference 2 years ago.  And those miracles didn't stop once I arrived.

A woman I had lunch with on the first day of the conference came to me a day or two later and said "God laid it on my heart that there might be materials you'd like to purchase from the conference.  I wanted to give you $20 to help."

I laughed and explained I had done the proverbial "borrowing from Peter to pay Paul" in order to purchase some books - and the total was $19.81!  Her gift allowed me to cover the money I had risked spending.

An online devotional site picked up the only two devotions I'd brought with me.  And months later, a contact I made there would offer me another devotion writing job.

Then I won the unpublished writer's competition with a prize of a 50% scholarship for the following year.

It was an amazing experience for this novice!

Fast forward to the following June.

My financial status hadn't changed except to get worse.  Once again I debated long and hard about attending the conference.  Not so much because I doubted my writing ability at this point, but because I had no idea where the other 50% would come from.

Still, I hated the idea of letting the scholarship go unused.

Back and forth, back and forth...I racked my brain as to how I could make it all work. 

How I could make it all work.  When did it ever become up to me?

God had provided every step of the way the last time.  Everything I needed to make the dream a reality. Why would this year be any different?

Philippians 4:6 admonishes us "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (emphasis mine)

The previous month, the radio station I work for was bought out.  For the first time in years, employees were offered the opportunity to attend, free of charge, the New Jersey Broadcasters Association conference in Atlantic City.  While it was a generous offer, I saw nothing in the curriculum applicable to copy writers, so I elected to hold down the fort and work out of the office.

The business manager, who had also stayed behind, looked surprised to see me.  "Why aren't you at the conference?"  I explained the situation and then said there was a writer's conference at the end of July I was hoping to attend.

His response floored me. "Well, are we paying for that?  We should be."

When my boss returned from the conference I made a beeline into his office with my request based on the Business Manager's suggestion.  He agreed.  In fact, he agreed to not only pick up the other half of the registration costs, but the cost of meals and the room.  Once again all my expenses were covered.

Only God.

This year, I've put another request before God.  I'd love to attend the She Speaks conference in July.  It's three times the cost of the Philadelphia conference, and that 'ol financial situation remains the same.

A chance conversation just this week led to the offer of free lodging if I can get there.

Psalm 37:4 says "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

This year, I'm resting in Him.  There's no racking my brain on how to get there.  If God wants me to attend, He will make a way.

He's given me a dream to reach out to my community and show them His love through practical acts of service. He's allowed me to write about it.  And I believe He wants me to speak about it, to encourage others to take the ideas and run with them so they can change their little corners of the world.

I believe that He's equipping me for this God-sized dream.  I'm not sure if this conference is part of that process or not, but I know if it is, He will once again be faithful to provide.

The Back Story

Over at God-sized Dreams they're talking about the back story to their God-sized dream this week.




Mine started with rejection.  

No, I wasn't the least popular kid in school.

In fact, I'm probably one of the few who actually enjoyed high school.

I ran track and played field hockey.

I was in the chorus, advanced chorus and drama clubs.  I even won first place for a duet I sang with my now Broadway actor friend in the "Cultural Olympics" - the artsy kid's answer to competition at my very sports-oriented high school.

I was National Honor Society.  I was 10th in my class of 440.

I was an achiever.  And, I was a believer.

But...I had absolutely no self-confidence whatsoever because I put my trust and faith in a person who always belittled my achievements.  And then I married him.

Why do some of our greatest hurts come from the very people who should offer protection?

After years of negativity spoken over me, I was convinced I was no one, with nothing to offer.

Eventually, I sought solace in the church.  I put my faith and trust into doing things.  I began by organizing a women's retreat.  After approaching someone to ask why we hadn't had one in several years, I was handed a stack of folders and told to "have at it".

Anyone who's ever coordinated a women's retreat will truly appreciate this...in less than six months, I found a location, a speaker, put together an agenda, and signed up 50 or so women.  Success, right?

No!!

Instead of appreciation, I was bombarded by complaints about the speaker, the content, the meals, you name it.

Why do some of our greatest hurts come from within the very place that should offer healing?

I came home from that retreat scarred and defeated.  So much so, that the following year, when I once again led the retreat team, my unsaved husband said "Why would you do that to yourself?  They ate you alive last year!"  Even he saw what the experience had done to me.

I wish I could say that rejection ended there.  But life is not perfect.  People are not perfect.  The church is not perfect.

Still, there is a difference in my life today.  When rejection comes, it does not mean all is lost.  Joel 2:25 says "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust, my great army which I sent among you."

What I now realize is that although painful, each experience, each rejection, moved me on to something or someplace else.  And with each new thing, another piece of the puzzle fit into place.  My faith and trust is now in God alone.  Rejection has led to restoration.  And restoration has equipped me to begin living a God-sized dream.

What has God used in your life to equip you for His purposes?  I'd love to hear your story in the comments...

A Step of Faith

"We live between New York and Philly... surely there's got to be a writer's conference around here!"

I had been blogging for a year and had taken a stab at writing a memoir a year or so before that, but the burning desire to attend a writer's conference was suddenly all consuming and came out of nowhere.

I did some research, but the only ones I found cost hundreds of dollars and were far from home.  I shared my frustration with a friend about finding one locally...one that didn't require the additional expense of flight arrangements and hotel rooms.

A few days later, she sent me the name of a conference one of her friends had attended.  It was just 20 minutes from my home...the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference.

The cost was much more reasonable, but still more than I could afford.  However, there was a scholarship available so I held out some hope.

Then I looked at the seminars being offered.  Terms like query letter and elevator pitch were sprinkled all over the page.  I had no idea what any of that meant.

And the scholarship essays?  My heart sank.  One of the questions was "If you could lay one of your works at Jesus' feet, which would it be and why?"

One of my "works"?  I had about 3 dozen blog posts and a half-written memoir.  Nothing published.  I was no author.  I had no real "works".

Man, I was in way over my head.  

Fear began to mount.

And doubt.

And self-deprecation.

Who was I to think I could be a writer?  Sure, I composed radio commercials for the past few years, but really, it was just 30 and 60 seconds of why you should buy a car from XYZ or why Spa ABC offered a more relaxing atmosphere.

Not exactly War and Peace.  Nothing of real consequence.

I pushed the thought away as a crazy dream.  

But God kept nudging.

So I picked up the application again, prayed about the questions and started writing.  

A few days later, I was shocked to learn I had been awarded a full scholarship for classes.

There were some early bird specials the day before the full conference, meals, and the opportunity to have my manuscript and blog critiqued, but each thing bore an additional cost.  

Then more miracles. 

My step-mother heard about what I wanted to do and sent a check to cover the meals and specials.  A friend gave me the money for the critiques.  Someone even slipped me a few bucks for gas.  God provided for every cost.

It sure was looking like this sudden burning desire...this crazy dream...was God orchestrated.

The application had one more thing.  A writing competition.  There were four categories - one each for published and non-published authors in poetry and prose.  The conference theme was "Write His Answer" based on Habakkuk 2:2, and the essay was to reflect the same theme.  Although I was beginning to believe God wanted me there, I still felt I was out of my league.  Doubt was still hanging on for dear life.  Finally, the deadline to submit the essay passed - the decision had been made for me.

That Sunday, I mentioned my lingering doubts to my pastor and he encouraged me with Joshua 1:9.  

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  

Even to a writer's conference when you fear you're not really a writer and you're discouraged by your lack of knowledge.

When I returned home from church I found an email from the woman who runs the conference.  The deadline for the essay was extended.  

I sat down and wrote.

A few weeks later, I attended the conference.  Not knowing what to expect, but not wanting to go to interviews with some of the conference staff empty-handed, I took two of my blog posts and reworked them into devotions.

They were both accepted and published by christiandevotions.us, an online devotional web site.  My blog and manuscript got favorable feedback.  In fact, eight months later, an editor I met at that conference reached out to me and I am now in the process of writing a second week of devotions for The Quiet Hour - the first week's worth will be published this June.  I also met some really amazing writers and established new friendships.

But the biggest surprise came the last day of the conference.

I won the essay competition for a non-published author in the prose category.  The prize?  Half off the following year's conference.  Maybe this writing thing wasn't just a one and done.

Taking the first step was hard.  It always is.  I can come up with a million reasons NOT to do something. But once I stepped out in faith...set aside the fear and doubt and believed if God was in it, He would make a way, things began to fall into place.  

What dream is God whispering in your ear that fear and doubt are trying to drown out?  

Lean in and listen...then step out in faith.

Once again, I'm pleased to link up with Godsizeddreams.com.  For more encouragement on stepping out in faith to follow the dream God has called you to, click on the link: God-sized Dreamers Link Up

Fleeced

Judges 6:36-40:  Gideon said to God, “If you will save Israel by my hand as you have promised— look, I will place a wool fleece on the threshing floor. If there is dew only on the fleece and all the ground is dry, then I will know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you said.”  And that is what happened. Gideon rose early the next day; he squeezed the fleece and wrung out the dew—a bowlful of water. Then Gideon said to God, “Do not be angry with me. Let me make just one more request. Allow me one more test with the fleece, but this time make the fleece dry and let the ground be covered with dew.”  That night God did so. Only the fleece was dry; all the ground was covered with dew.

Have you ever heard someone say they were "putting out a fleece before God?"  This is the story in the Bible they are referring to.

Let me give you a little more background...over a period of time after being delivered from Egypt, Israel had begun "doing evil in the sight of God."   They began  to worship Baal and other gods.  As punishment God "gave them in to the hands of the Midianites" for 7 years.  It was at this point that an angel of the Lord visited Gideon with this greeting in  Judges 6:12 "The Lord is with you mighty warrior."

Gideon's response sounds very 21st century to me: "Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us?  Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about when they said, ‘Did not the LORD bring us up out of Egypt?’ But now the LORD has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.”  Aren't we so like that?  We've gone and disobeyed God, then turn and blame him for the bad things in our lives. 

There is much back and forth between Gideon and the angel resulting in Gideon's request for a sign which is given. But Gideon goes back to the "sign" well not once, but twice more as the scripture above notes. He knows he's pushing it.  It's why he says "Do not be angry with me". 

So why all this talk about fleeces?  Because a few weeks ago, armed only with the knowledge that this story was in the Bible, I brought a huge doubt up to God for the 40 millionth time and threw in a "fleece" of my own.  No, I didn't lay wool out in the backyard.  I asked for something to be given to me that I thought would be extremely unlikely I would receive unless God was in it.  It was a specific item that needed to come from a specific person.

In truth, I'd done this once before.  In September of 2010.  I knew I hadn't stacked the deck in my favor back then because as simple a request as it was, it went unfulfilled - just as I was afraid in my heart of hearts it would be.  Then, about a month ago, a situation presented itself that reminded me of that earlier fleece.  Because all this time later although some circumstances have changed, I still have the same question, I decided to lay the same fleece out.  "Well, even Gideon did it twice" was my response to my cousin when she cautioned that I'd already done this exercise once without the answer I was hoping for. 

In all honesty, I should have done a little more research on this before going forward.  Going from memory, I thought Gideon's use of a fleece was more about his seeking wisdom and assurance that he was on the right track.  What I now see more clearly is that it was about Gideon's lack of faith.  We are told in  Hebrews 11:1: "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Gideon needed to see to believe.  Similarly, in John  20:24 Thomas said “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.” He was speaking of believing that Jesus had been resurrected. Jesus' response in verse 29 is "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

I needed concrete "proof" of what I hoped for.  So what happened this time?  I received the item. In spite of many circumstances that could have prevented it, I received it in a special way.  Has this put my doubt to rest?  I'm sorry to say, like Gideon, that one "sign" has led me to want further confirmation.  After all, I didn't get a positive result the first time, so why should I trust the positive this time?  Is it just what I want it to be?  If possible, I may have even more questions now.

In a response to "Is it acceptable to 'lay out a fleece' before God in prayer", the web site gotquestions.org has this to say in part: "Still, Gideon asked for two more signs because of his own insecurity. In the same way, when we ask for a sign from God, even when He does provide it, it doesn’t give us the answer we crave because our unsure, wavering faith doubts that it was from God. That often leads us to ask for multiple signs, none of which give us the assurance we need, because the problem isn’t with God’s power, it’s with our own perception of it."  Well, they certainly nailed my experience on the head.

Despite it all, I don't bring you this story as something negative.  Whenever a lesson is learned, there is something good to be gained from it.  In my case, I've been reminded about a number of things.  

• Read and understand a passage of scripture before "using" it.  The very least I should have done was go back over the story before going forward.  It's similar to what Mom always said - think before you speak. In this case, understand before you act.
• We are not meant to have all the answers.  If we did, there would be no need for faith.  God provides what we need, when we need it and not before.
• There are promises in God's Word that we can stand on. Ps 84:11 says "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless."  and Ps 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."  "No good thing" is not always what we want or wish for - it's what the Lord knows is best for us.  And when we delight ourselves in Him, His desires for us become our desires for ourselves, and they are granted.

I won't be placing another fleece out anytime soon.  If my hands are full of the wool of my doubts and insecurities, they won't be empty to receive the gifts and assurances He wants to place in them.  I will continue to pray on God's timing, wisdom, and discernment in the situation at hand, trusting that He will do what is in my best interest in His perfect timing.  It is easier said than done, but I know it's what's best. 

Negative Balance...Positive Lesson

I was driving home from a friend's house last night, my mind processing the events of  the day.  It had been a busy one...Fridays always are in my industry and the last six weeks of the year are always the craziest.  Usually I eat a home-made lunch at my desk, but I had rushed out empty-handed that morning.  By 1:30 I was really hungry,  so a brief trip to a local eatery of some sort was in order.  I called a local diner, ordered a grilled cheese with tomato and bacon and a few minutes later went downstairs to hit the ATM.  I pulled out $60 so I could also get gas on the way home.  As I looked down at the ATM slip, I was shocked to see a negative figure, especially since payday had only been 3 days prior.

I turned right around and headed into the bank to put the money back in and get back on the plus side...albeit only by a few dollars.  I told the teller what had transpired and she brought my account up on the screen.  It was all there in black and white...after paying all my bills I had less than $5 to make it through the next 12 days.  I remembered an uncashed check for $16 in my wallet, so I deposited that too, bringing my grand total up to $20 and change.  I live modestly, but the reality is still that it's generally hand to mouth.  I truly make it through by faith in God's grace and provision, but this was a bad situation even by my standards.  I now realize where things got off track - it's actually a number of factors coming together - but unfortunately, I hadn't been paying attention closely enough to avoid the problem.

As I left the building again, I said under my breath 'God, how am I going to get through these 2 weeks?'  I'd pretty much lost my appetite at this point, but I felt bad - I'd ordered the sandwich, so I went to go pick it up.  When I arrived at the diner, I dug out my credit card.  I've been trying to pay them down and hated to use it for something so trivial.  Inside, I handed it over to pay the $6 bill.  The man behind the counter pointed to a sign I hadn't seen - "$10 credit card minimum".  "There's an ATM in the lobby" he said.  "I don't have cash" I countered.  "No, there's an ATM for you to get cash in the lobby."  "I understood you" I said again..."I have two dollars on me and this card...that's all.  He shook his head.  "Then I guess I won't be able to buy the sandwich."  He let me walk out the door.  I assume he wasted the food by throwing it out rather than relent on the $10 minimum.  I know credit card companies charge a fee and that was the reason for the minimum, but by sticking to his guns, no one won.  He probably lost as much money on that food as he would have by taking my card.  For myself, I was utterly humiliated at the exchange, crying as I got to my car.

I was embarrassed, frustrated with my lack of attention to detail that landed me in this spot, and hungry.  I headed to Wawa to pick up something because I knew they wouldn't turn down my card.  I picked up a sandwich, diet soda and two little York peppermint patties because, as I'm sure everyone knows, chocolate is the great spirit lifter lol.  Once back at my desk, I finished out the day.

At that point, it was time to turn my attention back to my paltry account to make sure no more surprises were in store.  I have a lot of things automatically withdrawn which assures things get paid on time, but a problem can arise if there's a hiccup in a utility bill for example.  The phone rang, interrupting my worrying, and a friend of mine asked if I was still at work.  She invited invited me over for dinner.

While we chatted at her kitchen table, I shared the story of my mistake and ensuing embarrassment.  She didn't say much at the time, but before I left, she passed me $40.  When I protested, she said "I've been there, I understand."

So there I was, on my way home, thinking about the money I had and how best to utilize it to make it through, when the car in front of me slowed down.  There weren't a whole lot of cars on the road and the light up ahead was green so it annoyed me that the vehicle seemed to be slowing for no reason.

I threw my blinker on, got in the left hand lane and was just about to pick up speed when I saw it.  A very confused doe, unsure of whether to run back to the woods on our right, or take her chances by continuing on.  I immediately hit my brakes, and looked to my right because I knew where one deer was present, more were sure to follow.  In fact, there was at least one other deer on the side of the road, watching to see how this would all play out, wondering if she should stay put or venture into the melee.  The doe in front of me finally opted to run on to the left side of the street.

As I watched all this transpire in a matter of seconds,  I thought about the impatience that almost cost me an accident.  "Thank you Lord for protecting me."

How often do we put ourselves in harm's way?  God has us traveling at a certain speed for a reason, but all we see is a road block - something that's slowing us down from getting where we want to go at the pace we want to get there.  Instead of trusting that He knows best, we take matters into our own hands and wind up in a dangerous situation... maybe even a wreck.  Only then do we see some of the bigger picture and realize that God wasn't trying to frustrate us or keep something from us - He was saving us and protecting us from harm.

It's the same with my money issue.  I made an assumption based on the only thing I chose to look at - a sum of money had been deposited a few days before.  I hadn't taken the time to tally all the obligations I'd met to realize there was nothing left.  I was spent, and it resulted in my embarrassment at the bank and in the diner. Isn't it the same way with our lives sometimes?  All the little sins add up until one day our world comes crashing down.  We think we're 'okay' not realizing how the little things are chipping away and then suddenly the mess is exposed.  Only then do we turn to God to ask 'what do I do?'

When we take our eyes and minds off God and start to put trust in what we think we know, disaster follows. The Bible says in Proverbs 16:25, "There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death."

I'm not sure what these next two weeks hold.  Not sure where the funds will come from to get me through although He's already provided some gas money via my friend.  But, through the events of yesterday, I am reminded of what God said in Matthew 6:27 - 33 "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own." 

Not long ago, my son had this "accusation" for me.  "I think you see God in too much...I don't think He's as responsible for as much as you give Him credit for."  While hearing those words from my son saddened me on one hand, on the other, I was glad that an all consuming trust in God is what he sees when he looks at me.  Because trusting in God for everything...everything...finances, protection, day to day provision, and more...is not a Pollyana approach to life.  It's faith, pure and simple...and I learn that lesson more and more every day.

From Despair to Prayer - Part 5 - The Last Installment

Day Two in Ocean City began early.  I woke up a little after 6am and looked out the back door in time to see the sun beginning to rise out of the ocean at the horizon.  A tiny ball of yellow with hues of blue, rose and orange surrounding it.  I opened my devotional and the words jumped off the page.

If you've followed this journey, you may remember that just the day before I had been praying "...for His forgiveness for my pride, my critical spirit, and my judgmental attitude."  I had come to the conclusion that "My job was to make sure that MY heart was right before God.  That I was seeking and doing His will.  I could pray for others, that they too were seeking God's face in decisions they were making, but beyond that, I needed to hang up my robe and set down the gavel."  Well, apparently I was right on the money about what I'd been doing because THIS is what the devotional said that morning..."Come to me and rest.  Give your mind a break from its habitual judging.  You form judgments about this situation, that situation, this person, that person, yourself, even the weather - as if judging were your main function in life.  But I created you first and foremost to know me and to live in rich communication with Me.  When you become preoccupied with passing judgment, you usurp My role."

I actually stopped reading and said out loud "but God...I came to that realization yesterday!"  He knows me well enough to know I need a reminder.  In fact, just a week after I returned home this was once again put to the test.  I wish I could say I passed with flying colors, not judging things at all, but I can say that where I might have dwelt on the situation and let it gnaw at me, I was able to recognize what was going on in my heart and mind and pray about it immediately to give it over to God.  Progress.

In keeping with my routine, after my quite time, I went down to the beach for a long walk, then grabbed my things and settled in to read.  The book I opened first was "Too Busy NOT To Pray", by Bill Hybels.  This book has been out for years - in fact, I had the "20th anniversary edition" which was published in 2008.  Apparently I'd been really busy, because I'd not heard of it before!  I lead a monthly prayer group for women and I'd been looking for a good resource from which to extract devotionals before we shared requests and got down to the business of praying.  My friend Teri, who is also the leader of our Women's Ministries Team had offered up this book and another as suggestions.  I'm so glad she did!

As I've also said in previous posts, I thought I had the prayer part of my walk down pretty well.  Thought I was pretty faithful.  But the truth is, there is ALWAYS room to grow in our relationship with God.  And as imperfect human beings, we need to remember that we've never got anything 'down pat' this side of heaven.  In fact, it reminds me of a joke I heard once.  After a service, a pastor was shaking hands with attendees.  One man said, "Pastor, I just want to tell you, I've worked very hard at keeping all the commandments this week...I haven't broken one!"  To which the pastor replied "well, now, you must be very proud of that."  The man nodded in the affirmative, not even aware of his sin of pride.  We can't and won't ever get it all right all the time.  If we could do that on our own, we'd have no need of a Savior.

Back to the book...of course it's broken into chapters, but in addition, each few chapters have an overall theme...God calls us into His presence, God invites us to talk with Him, God breaks down the barriers between us, God speaks to our hearts and God prompts us to action.  Many concepts in this book weren't necessarily new to me, but they brought me back to the basics in such a manner that I saw things in a fresh way.  There was a chapter called "mountain-moving prayer" that I especially connected with.

Bill Hybels begins the chapter by quoting Matthew 21:21-22..."Jesus said, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt...you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.  If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.'"  Then Bill says "Jesus, of course, was not in the excavation business.  He had little interest in relocating piles of rocks to the ocean's depths.  He was using the term 'mountain' figuratively, in hopes of conveying to all believers that we can be confident that our prayers carry great power."  He then goes on to cite two principles he'd learned over the years...1) Faith comes by looking at God, not at the mountain and  2) God gives us faith as we walk by His side.

I had been looking at the mountain so long it had paralyzed me with fear and filled me with frustration.  It had kept me from seeking the Mountain Mover.  When I failed to walk by His side daily, my faith weakened.  I didn't doubt God, but I wasn't trusting Him for everything and in everything either.

Later that afternoon as the tide went out, I took another walk down the shoreline looking at all the shells left behind.  I found a small conch shell and picked it up.  When I turned it over, I saw that it was broken.  I was disappointed because I thought it was complete until I saw the underside.  As I went to toss it into the waves, I stopped, because I felt God was speaking to my heart... "you're like this shell, Toni.  Even though it's been tossed by the sea and broken in places, I created it with an intricate beauty that remains.  In fact, those seeming imperfections are what make it unique, different from all the others"  I realized that God would never toss me away because I was broken.  I rinsed off the sand and brought it back to the house.  It now sits on my desk, a daily reminder that there is beauty in our brokenness when we let go of the despair, and receive healing through prayer.