Happy Tears - A Week of Ups and Downs

Monday promised warmer temps and a glimpse of the sun.

Since much of the past 2 weeks have been spent inside doctor offices, a friend and I made plans to head to Belmar and walk the boardwalk to "God's Square Mile on the Jersey Shore," also known as Ocean Grove.

When I realized it was 2.2 miles in each direction, I suggested perhaps we park closer.

My friend polietely said "no."

So off we headed while I internally fretted a bit about the chilly winds and the fact that I was heading out on a 4 1/2 mile round trip walk after weeks - okay, maybe more like months - of virtual couch potato-ness punctuated by the occasional shoveling session for what seemed to be our weekly encounter with a Nor'easter in the Garden State.

I didn't want to overdo things 2 days before my first surgery to remove "sentinel lymph nodes" to check on any spread of the cancer.

We walked for what seemed like an eternity and considered giving up our quest when we bumped into a couple who told us it was another 10 minutes away. We kept walking.

We arrived at our intended destination with a few minutes to spare before their 2 pm closing time.

A delicious lunch, two cups of tea and a slice of double chocolate mousse cake warmed me up and gave me the energy to head back!!

We enjoyed a warmer, less windy return trip, stopping on occasion to snap a few pictures.

 I slept well that night.

Tuesday I headed back to the hospital for a nuclear dye injection.

Now, because I'm allergic to so many things, my first question always is "what's in this?" before anyone gives me anything.

The response from the technician was "you should be fine as long as you're not allergic to sulfa."

Well, guess what. I am. And I have detailed that a million times on the litany of forms I've filled out for the hospital and every doctor in the place over the past 2 months.

Tears started welling up because I was frustrated and a little scared. I could have taken Benedryl or something else to prepare for this, but now, here I was, in the position of having to make a decision on whether or not to move forward with this very important test.

The alternatives weren't much better - one drug would turn me blue..."you'll look a little like a smurf for a few days"... and the other had a 3% chance of anaphylaxis.

"Jesus, you knew this would happen. This is not a surprise to you! Help me."

The doctor reentered the room voicing doubt that my earlier reaction was to sulfa. He believed it was another ingredient in the pills I had taken.

I hesitantly agreed to the injection.

The test finished, I began to notice my tongue felt as if I had scalded it on a hot drink. That lasted for the entire day. Although my surgeon said she'd never heard of such a thing before, I'm kind of the poster child for weird diseases and reactions.

I didn't sleep well that night.

4:30 a.m. came as early as it sounds and I got ready for the trip to the hospital. Although I thought I was calm on the outside, my subconscious was messing with my stomach.

My sister dropped me at the door and went to park. I pulled out my Bible, and opened it up to the Psalms where my eyes fell on 138:3 "When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted." I read the rest of the passage which ends with "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, oh Lord, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hand." I felt God's presence and was ready for the next step.

I registered and my sister and I chit-chatted until the nurse came to take me back to the prep room. On the way, she shared that she too had breast cancer but was a 7 year survivor. It's a story I've heard far too many times since my diagnosis. So many women have walked this path before me! Too many.

I had been concerned about anesthesia because after my last operation more than 30 years ago it took longer than normal to come out of it and I woke up nauseous. So when the anesthesiologist walked in, I said "you're the one I'm concerned about."

"Me? Why?"

I explained my fears, but he went over all my allergies and addressed my concerns. When he left, the nurse said "He's the best...he was my anesthesiologist. You know if the nurses use him for their own surgeries, he's a good one."

Again, peace.

I remember being moved from gurney to operating table and not much more. As my eyes fluttered and I began to emerge from unconsciousness, a nurse asked how I was feeling.

"Tired." I drifted off again as I heard her say, "that's okay, rest."

The doctor came in and told my sister that the nuclear material from the day before had somewhat worn off and so she was only able to remove one node instead of the intended two, but it would be okay.

Eventually, I wakened and steadied and was able to leave.

I went home and slept some more, but all the early dozing and the soreness of the area under my arm made for a rough night.

In my previous post, I stated that I was praying for a Good Friday. A good report. When I woke from a nap this afternoon, I was surprised that I had slept through half a dozen phone calls, one of which was from the surgeon.

She had gotten the pathology report back a day early. The lymph node was clear. It will indeed be a Good Friday!

"Thank you Jesus. Praise you Lord!" I sobbed the words out loud, tears of joy running down my face.

It's the first good news I've had since January 22nd.

I still have a long road ahead. The bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction scheduled for Monday looms large, but I am bold and stouthearted. I know God has heard my cries and the prayers of scores of people. Some know me well, some have heard of me, some I've never met. But each person who lifts their voice toward heaven and intercedes on my behalf is precious to me.

Thank you for joining me on this journey through your encouraging words and prayers. I pray that should you find yourself facing something similar in the future, you will know that peace is possible when you look to the Prince of Peace for strength.

Joshua 1:9: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do no be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Writing His Answer - Can You Hear Me Now?

The email came while I was at the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference.  It was a simple request to meet, but for some inexplicable reason, my defenses went up.

I called a friend to see if she could shed some light on what it was about. Even as she tried to allay my fears, I found myself getting teary-eyed.  She apologized for upsetting me, but I assured her the problem was mine. I couldn't shake the totally unfounded feeling that my purpose for being at the conference was about to be negated.

Lies of the enemy.  

In the back of my mind I knew what they were, but those lies still tried to find a place where they could settle into my brain and fester.

The theme of the conference was "Write His Answer" based on Habakkuk 2:2.  It is my belief that I can write His answer to a lost world by sharing the impact my church is making on our community and to encourage others to use those ideas as a jumping off point so they too can leave the confines of the church walls and begin to change their communities.  After all, Galatians 6:9 instructs us "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." (NIV)

To become better prepared to write that answer, I took two main courses of study this year.  A continuing session on writing magazine articles, and a blogging clinic.

The first two days at the conference, I dutifully jotted notes during the clinic. The teacher spoke at length about key words, alt attribute text, Google Analytics, widgets, rss feeds, and SEO.

All technical, clinical stuff.

But the day after the email and phone call, our instructor decided to switch gears for a moment.  She asked us to write down how we felt about our readers.  What we wanted them to feel as they read our words. Some people shared what they had written.

"Encouraged.  Taking away nuggets of truth.  Challenged. Loved."

Then she said "How do you think God feels about YOU?  Not what you know in your head, but what you feel in your heart."  She added "You don't need to share those words if you're not comfortable doing that."

No one raised their hand.  

She moved on.

Eventually, we took a break, and when we returned to our seats, she had a funny look on her face.

"I feel like God has given me a word for someone in here.  You have to understand, this is not something that normally happens to me, but I really feel I have to share it.  Someone in here is discouraged.  I don't know if it's because their blog isn't what they'd like it to be or it's something else. I don't know who it's for, but if you feel it's for you, you don't have to raise your hand or anything."

"God wants you to know He's proud of you.  He's pleased with you.  You're on the right track.  You're doing what He wants of you."

Now that could have been a word for anyone in the room.  Or everyone.  But I believe it was for me.

Why?

Because I looked down at the paper where I had jotted down how I thought God felt about me.  It said:

"He loves me, cares for me, He's proud of me and loves when I lean into Him in good times and bad.  He loves when I seek His face."

But I had crossed out "proud".  I thought it sounded...well...prideful.  I changed it to "is pleased with me" and even then, I wondered.  Could I assume such a thing?

But those were the very words she used.  He's proud of you.  He's pleased with you. 

In. That. Order.  

It was no coincidence.  God wanted me to know no matter how I tried to position it, He had me covered.  He takes both pride and pleasure in me. 

If any doubts remained that the word was for me, they were wiped away in my next class, the continuing session on article writing.

I shared about a garden my church planted with the sole purpose of donating the harvest to the food bank. When I was done,  two of my classmates came to me asking for my contact information.  One had already been trying to unsuccessfully to convince her pastor to break ground on a garden and was excited to provide him proof that the idea was viable...the other was encouraged to bring a proposal to her church.

The lies of the enemy were exposed for what they were.  Lies.  Nothing was being negated.  God affirmed I was on the right track with every interaction I had on the subject of community outreach.from that point forward  I could rest assured I was doing what He wanted of me.

I am so grateful that my teacher not only listened to what the Spirit had to say, but that she was obedient to relay it.

I had been listening to lies until the Truth broke through.

But I can hear Him now.  

Clearly.

The Truth wrote His answer on my heart so that I can write His answer to others.

How is God speaking to you today?  

Buggy-eyed Fears

I was blissfully unaware as I pulled the front door open to step into the evening air.

Moths, gnats and other flying insects were drawn to the light and as I waved them off, I glanced down to my right.  That's when I saw some THING clinging to the door just inches from my hand.

It was the biggest, ugliest bug I have ever laid eyes on. I wasn't going to whip out a tape measure at that moment, but it had to be almost 3 inches long.

I screamed.

I had to close the door, but this freaky, creepy crawly creature was mere inches from the knob.

I tried to slip my hand through the crack on the hinged side to coax the door closed.

It didn't work.

I debated leaving the door open, but feared it would make its way up the stairwell and into my apartment.

Unacceptable.

I whined and whimpered and called on Jesus as I made the decision to hold my breath, reach for the knob, and pull the door shut.

Success! 

I got into my car, skin crawling, and nervously looked around to see if it had followed me.

Paranoid? Hey, he could have flown...or crawled really fast...I didn't know if he had Super Bug powers!

My purpose in going out had been to pick up my son, and as we headed back home, I said "okay...now we're gonna pray that the HUGE, ugly beetle that was on the front door when I left, is gone."

As we approached the front step, my son told me to power up the flashlight app on my cell.  "I want to see what I'm dealing with" he said.

I fumbled with my phone, glancing toward where I'd last seen it and breathed a sigh of relief.

"I think it's gone".

Then I shined the light on the door.

There it was...right in the door jam next to the knob.

I screamed again. 

My son calmly used some papers in his hand to knock it to the ground and sweep it off the porch.

I knew that bug was still around, but now the way forward was clear and it was safe to move into the house.

I'm afraid all too often, I approach life's problems in much the same way as the encounter with that bug.

Although I've memorized "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." (Philippians 4:6) the truth is, sometimes I don't go straight to prayer and I allow my fear to get a foothold.

Have you ever felt that way?

You're just cruising along one minute, and then panicked the next as you find yourself eyeball to eyeball with an unexpected circumstance?

Psalm 46: 1-3 promises "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.^"

Just like that bug was still somewhere once my son knocked it off the porch, our problems won't necessarily go away.  They may "roar and foam" or "quake", but handing over our fear allows God to step between us and our concerns and allows us to move forward in confidence, knowing He hems us in behind and before (Psalm 139:5).

So let's not allow problems, concerns, or fears hold us at bay.  Let's give them to God who isn't freaked out by them. 

Not even the great big ugly ones.

Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you. I Peter 5:7


Photo credit Steffen Foerster - Dreamstime Stock Photos

There Goes That Trust Word Again...

Two weeks ago I began to write this, but was too weak to finish...

I'm on the couch wrapped in a blanket and propped up with pillows.  Face pale, hair askew, sporting the same sweats I've worn the past three days.

I'm sicker than I've ever been before and the timing couldn't be worse.  

In one week my church will hold it's Spring outreach - an event I oversee.

In three weeks I need to be packed and my home "broom clean" for closing.

A double-whammy of bronchitis and pneumonia has rendered me weak and exhausted.

The simplest task sucks the life out of me.  

I'm not used to inactivity.   To handing over the reins.  To being weak.

I've talked a lot about trusting God. But I confess, right now, staring at everything that needs to be done, knowing that the clock is incessantly ticking toward a deadline, I really want to ask Him if He's checked His calendar lately...if He's aware of exactly what's going on down here.

Two weeks ago, I labored under the illusion that if I only had the strength, I would be in control of things.

Fast forward two weeks...

A recheck by the doctor and another chest x-ray confirm it.

I am on the mend. 

God took care of the Spring outreach.  He empowered my team, the site leaders, and over 100 volunteers, equipping them with what they needed to carry out the day. 

I was present, but there was no need for me to be hands on. 

The buyer contacted my real estate agent to say he'd be out of town the week we were to close - so would I mind pushing back the date a week? 

I have "regained" my lost time.

All the things I thought I had to do, God did or is in the process of doing.

There is one thing I have been doing however.  Seeing one central theme...one singular message, as I read my Bible and a variety of devotionals.

TRUST.

Oh that word!  Look at just some of the verses and reminders that have come my way in the past few days...

Psalm 56:3 "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."

From The One Year Walk with God Devotional: "We are called to believe God with reckless abandon — not just believe that He is there and that He is involved with us somehow; but that He is actively, personally seeking our good and answering our prayers. We are to give up our own strategies and ambitions, to relinquish all "Plan Bs," to recklessly, irrevocably cast ourselves completely into His arms."

Psalm 9:10 "Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you."

From "Trust...a godly woman's adornment": Sometimes we stop believing that God will keep his promises; other times we attempt to reinterpret his promises to suit our plans and our schedule. If we stop trusting that God is able to act or to make clear how we are to act, then we are certain to seek our own solutions by laying hold of what lies right at hand. The bottom line is that we hate to wait. We crave a life we can control, and if we give into this craving, we are going to be tempted to wrest our circumstances away from God when he doesn't act as we think he should."

John 14:1 "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.

From "Jesus Calling":  I am a mighty God.  Nothing is too difficult for Me.  I have chosen to use weak ones like you to accomplish My purposes.  Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power.  Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength.  What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources.  When you face unexpected demands, there is no need to panic.  Remember that I am with you.  Talk with Me, and listen while I talk you through each challenging situation.  I am not a careless God.  When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you to fully handle them.  Relax in My Presence, trusting in My Strength.

2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

Today, my prayer is that...

I will learn to trust BEFORE the worry. 

I will learn to trust THROUGHOUT the storm.

I will learn to trust that He sees the END when I can't even get my bearings in the now.

I will learn to trust in His strength.  His goodness.  His power.

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"

Are you trusting Him today?  Will you join me in my prayer?

Tracking "Trust"

It's hard to believe it's the middle of April.  A month that has seen a high of almost 80 degrees on Sunday and a dusting of snow by Tuesday evening. 

A paradox - rather like my life at this moment in time.

And in the midst of the flux...in the middle of the ups and downs...I'm pausing to review the status of my "one word" for 2014.

I never dreamed the extent to which this word would change my life this year.

I knew it would bring testing.  I knew it would bring growth.

But the journey has really just begun.

My word is trust.  And my verses are Proverbs 3:5-6.

I am literally standing on the threshold  between old and new. 

Selling my home of 28 years, in search of a place to go.

Many try to heap on encouragement. 

"How exciting! You are free to go anywhere!"
"It's a new chapter in your life!"
"Think of the stories you can blog about!"

But I am not free to go anywhere, do anything.  I am bound by circumstances and finances. 

If I let it, the fear of the unknown could easily overwhelm.  The storm clouds of "what if" could overtake me and plunge me into darkness as the rain falls heavy on my soul.  And if I'm being honest, there are days I feel like I don't have it in me to trust any more.

But God. 

Each day He sends me little love letters.  He uncovers this word trust that is tucked into the pages of His word. 
  
There are so many, but  Psalm 84:11-12 is one that comes to me frequently. Psalm 56: 3-4 was His gift to me today.

And of course, those verses in Proverbs.

They tell me NOT to lean on my own understanding.  My finite, narrow, inside the box understanding.

They use words like "trust" and "submit".  These are not passive words.  No...they are full of action even as I stand still, waiting and watching.  They are not words for the weak in spirit.  They take a full and deliberate act of will.

And they are not cursory suggestions.  I am to trust with my WHOLE heart.  I am to submit in ALL my ways.

Right now I can see no answers.  No possibilities.  No light at the end of the tunnel.

But I trust all those things are there.  Even when I wander, wallowing just a bit in the mire of doubt and fear, I feel His hand grab mine.  I sense His arm around me, pulling me up again, setting me on firm ground... and I trust the One who has never given me a reason NOT to trust Him.

Psalm 118:5 says "In my distress I prayed to the Lord, and the Lord answered me and set me free."

There are limitations on this human form.  But my God is not bound by this world.

He sets me free in a very different way.

So how am I doing with my one word this year?  I'm holding on to it for everything it's worth.

A Step of Faith

"We live between New York and Philly... surely there's got to be a writer's conference around here!"

I had been blogging for a year and had taken a stab at writing a memoir a year or so before that, but the burning desire to attend a writer's conference was suddenly all consuming and came out of nowhere.

I did some research, but the only ones I found cost hundreds of dollars and were far from home.  I shared my frustration with a friend about finding one locally...one that didn't require the additional expense of flight arrangements and hotel rooms.

A few days later, she sent me the name of a conference one of her friends had attended.  It was just 20 minutes from my home...the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference.

The cost was much more reasonable, but still more than I could afford.  However, there was a scholarship available so I held out some hope.

Then I looked at the seminars being offered.  Terms like query letter and elevator pitch were sprinkled all over the page.  I had no idea what any of that meant.

And the scholarship essays?  My heart sank.  One of the questions was "If you could lay one of your works at Jesus' feet, which would it be and why?"

One of my "works"?  I had about 3 dozen blog posts and a half-written memoir.  Nothing published.  I was no author.  I had no real "works".

Man, I was in way over my head.  

Fear began to mount.

And doubt.

And self-deprecation.

Who was I to think I could be a writer?  Sure, I composed radio commercials for the past few years, but really, it was just 30 and 60 seconds of why you should buy a car from XYZ or why Spa ABC offered a more relaxing atmosphere.

Not exactly War and Peace.  Nothing of real consequence.

I pushed the thought away as a crazy dream.  

But God kept nudging.

So I picked up the application again, prayed about the questions and started writing.  

A few days later, I was shocked to learn I had been awarded a full scholarship for classes.

There were some early bird specials the day before the full conference, meals, and the opportunity to have my manuscript and blog critiqued, but each thing bore an additional cost.  

Then more miracles. 

My step-mother heard about what I wanted to do and sent a check to cover the meals and specials.  A friend gave me the money for the critiques.  Someone even slipped me a few bucks for gas.  God provided for every cost.

It sure was looking like this sudden burning desire...this crazy dream...was God orchestrated.

The application had one more thing.  A writing competition.  There were four categories - one each for published and non-published authors in poetry and prose.  The conference theme was "Write His Answer" based on Habakkuk 2:2, and the essay was to reflect the same theme.  Although I was beginning to believe God wanted me there, I still felt I was out of my league.  Doubt was still hanging on for dear life.  Finally, the deadline to submit the essay passed - the decision had been made for me.

That Sunday, I mentioned my lingering doubts to my pastor and he encouraged me with Joshua 1:9.  

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  

Even to a writer's conference when you fear you're not really a writer and you're discouraged by your lack of knowledge.

When I returned home from church I found an email from the woman who runs the conference.  The deadline for the essay was extended.  

I sat down and wrote.

A few weeks later, I attended the conference.  Not knowing what to expect, but not wanting to go to interviews with some of the conference staff empty-handed, I took two of my blog posts and reworked them into devotions.

They were both accepted and published by christiandevotions.us, an online devotional web site.  My blog and manuscript got favorable feedback.  In fact, eight months later, an editor I met at that conference reached out to me and I am now in the process of writing a second week of devotions for The Quiet Hour - the first week's worth will be published this June.  I also met some really amazing writers and established new friendships.

But the biggest surprise came the last day of the conference.

I won the essay competition for a non-published author in the prose category.  The prize?  Half off the following year's conference.  Maybe this writing thing wasn't just a one and done.

Taking the first step was hard.  It always is.  I can come up with a million reasons NOT to do something. But once I stepped out in faith...set aside the fear and doubt and believed if God was in it, He would make a way, things began to fall into place.  

What dream is God whispering in your ear that fear and doubt are trying to drown out?  

Lean in and listen...then step out in faith.

Once again, I'm pleased to link up with Godsizeddreams.com.  For more encouragement on stepping out in faith to follow the dream God has called you to, click on the link: God-sized Dreamers Link Up

Trust and the Broken Heart

My heart is broken and I can't say why.  Well, I could, but I won't...it's a personal issue.  One I've grappled with for a long time.  It's one of those things we tend to label as a "test of faith" and say God is "building our character." It's not something we hope for, not something we desire, not something we want to work through.

But there it is. 

Of course, if I had truly given it over some time ago, maybe it wouldn't hurt so badly now.  Or maybe it would have hurt the same, just sooner.  No way to tell, really.

The one thing I do know is that there's a trust issue in the middle of this.  Am I willing to let go of this dream, this hope, this desire, altogether, forever, so He can work out His plan for my life?

How much do I honestly trust God?  

I thought I trusted Him a lot.  He's proven Himself faithful over and over again.  But it's always easier to trust when we have nowhere to go.  When there is NO money left in the bank account, but I still need gas to get back and forth to work a few more days, it's a no-brainer.  I pray.  I ask God for provision.  When a friend is hurting because of a health concern, a relationship problem, the loss of a job.  I pray.  God knows the need and will meet it.  When a loved one dies and there is intense grief that feels like it will never subside.  I pray.  God heals broken hearts, mends lives, brings purpose out of pain.  Even when it's a good thing like an outreach but there are so many variables that it is impossible to plan for each one.  I pray.  God works all things together ministering to the hearts, minds and souls of those served, and receiving the glory.

But in all these cases, there is nothing I can do.  It is out of my control.  There are no circumstances to be manipulated.  It is a relatively easy thing to relinquish the doubts, the fears, the needs up to God for Him to sort out and make right when we feel powerless in our own strength.

I trust Him a lot...but do I trust Him completely?

This thing that is breaking my heart.  How often have I tried to work it out on my own?  How many times have I offered it over to God while never removing my hand?  It too is out of my control, but I refuse to see that.  I'm pretty sure given more time, more effort, a different approach, I can make it happen.

My trust is impeded by fear.  If I let go completely, altogether, forever...what if He doesn't give it back?  What will I do then?  What happens to the minutes, hours, days and even years I've invested in this dream...spent cultivating this hope?  What will fill my time now?  Will there be a new dream?  What will that look like? 

I feel sick in the pit of my stomach at the very notion of it.  

I have no answers other than to trust in the God I know is faithful.  Like the acrobat who lets go of the swing bar, hands out, eyes searching for the one who's watching for the release, I have to trust in the only One who can catch me.  Trust in His perfect timing and in His grip.  After all, He's the one who has plans to prosper and not harm me.  The one who withholds no good thing from His children.  The one who has my name etched on the palm of His hand that is outstretched and reaching for me.  These thoughts offer me immense comfort, but still I know the way will be hard.  I've faltered before.  I may again.

And so I pray. 

Matthew West - Rest
Psalm 34:18  "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."