The Long Way to the "Big Way"

As a young girl, I’d never heard of “God-sized dreams”, but knew in my heart God would use me in a big way. 

At 13, my aunt gave me a journal with this inscription “God blessed you with a creative writing talent. Whether it will be something that will serve just to give you pleasure or become something that will truly get your name in “important” print (for many to enjoy) only time will tell. You, however, with God’s help and guidance should develop your ability as much as possible.”

I filled that journal with poems and stories, but even more than writing, I loved singing.

So in college, I was sure that performing was the “big way” I’d be used.

Why do we think Almighty God…The One who created US…THE Dream Giver…needs help to chart our course?   

But I was 18 and knew everything.  Until I knew nothing...

The Long Way to the "Big Way" is the guest post at God-sized Dreams today...won't you join me there to learn the rest of the story?

A Step of Faith (Part 2)

In an email to a friend about my recent post, A Step of Faith, I recounted the rest of the story and half-joked "this should be part 2". 

But over at Godsizedreams.com this week, they're talking about how we can trust (a resounding theme in my life this year) that God's given us just what we need for those God-sized dreams.  So I've decided I really should share the rest of the story.

As I explained in A Step of Faith, God had miraculously provided all the funds I needed to attend the Greater Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference 2 years ago.  And those miracles didn't stop once I arrived.

A woman I had lunch with on the first day of the conference came to me a day or two later and said "God laid it on my heart that there might be materials you'd like to purchase from the conference.  I wanted to give you $20 to help."

I laughed and explained I had done the proverbial "borrowing from Peter to pay Paul" in order to purchase some books - and the total was $19.81!  Her gift allowed me to cover the money I had risked spending.

An online devotional site picked up the only two devotions I'd brought with me.  And months later, a contact I made there would offer me another devotion writing job.

Then I won the unpublished writer's competition with a prize of a 50% scholarship for the following year.

It was an amazing experience for this novice!

Fast forward to the following June.

My financial status hadn't changed except to get worse.  Once again I debated long and hard about attending the conference.  Not so much because I doubted my writing ability at this point, but because I had no idea where the other 50% would come from.

Still, I hated the idea of letting the scholarship go unused.

Back and forth, back and forth...I racked my brain as to how I could make it all work. 

How I could make it all work.  When did it ever become up to me?

God had provided every step of the way the last time.  Everything I needed to make the dream a reality. Why would this year be any different?

Philippians 4:6 admonishes us "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (emphasis mine)

The previous month, the radio station I work for was bought out.  For the first time in years, employees were offered the opportunity to attend, free of charge, the New Jersey Broadcasters Association conference in Atlantic City.  While it was a generous offer, I saw nothing in the curriculum applicable to copy writers, so I elected to hold down the fort and work out of the office.

The business manager, who had also stayed behind, looked surprised to see me.  "Why aren't you at the conference?"  I explained the situation and then said there was a writer's conference at the end of July I was hoping to attend.

His response floored me. "Well, are we paying for that?  We should be."

When my boss returned from the conference I made a beeline into his office with my request based on the Business Manager's suggestion.  He agreed.  In fact, he agreed to not only pick up the other half of the registration costs, but the cost of meals and the room.  Once again all my expenses were covered.

Only God.

This year, I've put another request before God.  I'd love to attend the She Speaks conference in July.  It's three times the cost of the Philadelphia conference, and that 'ol financial situation remains the same.

A chance conversation just this week led to the offer of free lodging if I can get there.

Psalm 37:4 says "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

This year, I'm resting in Him.  There's no racking my brain on how to get there.  If God wants me to attend, He will make a way.

He's given me a dream to reach out to my community and show them His love through practical acts of service. He's allowed me to write about it.  And I believe He wants me to speak about it, to encourage others to take the ideas and run with them so they can change their little corners of the world.

I believe that He's equipping me for this God-sized dream.  I'm not sure if this conference is part of that process or not, but I know if it is, He will once again be faithful to provide.

The Back Story

Over at God-sized Dreams they're talking about the back story to their God-sized dream this week.




Mine started with rejection.  

No, I wasn't the least popular kid in school.

In fact, I'm probably one of the few who actually enjoyed high school.

I ran track and played field hockey.

I was in the chorus, advanced chorus and drama clubs.  I even won first place for a duet I sang with my now Broadway actor friend in the "Cultural Olympics" - the artsy kid's answer to competition at my very sports-oriented high school.

I was National Honor Society.  I was 10th in my class of 440.

I was an achiever.  And, I was a believer.

But...I had absolutely no self-confidence whatsoever because I put my trust and faith in a person who always belittled my achievements.  And then I married him.

Why do some of our greatest hurts come from the very people who should offer protection?

After years of negativity spoken over me, I was convinced I was no one, with nothing to offer.

Eventually, I sought solace in the church.  I put my faith and trust into doing things.  I began by organizing a women's retreat.  After approaching someone to ask why we hadn't had one in several years, I was handed a stack of folders and told to "have at it".

Anyone who's ever coordinated a women's retreat will truly appreciate this...in less than six months, I found a location, a speaker, put together an agenda, and signed up 50 or so women.  Success, right?

No!!

Instead of appreciation, I was bombarded by complaints about the speaker, the content, the meals, you name it.

Why do some of our greatest hurts come from within the very place that should offer healing?

I came home from that retreat scarred and defeated.  So much so, that the following year, when I once again led the retreat team, my unsaved husband said "Why would you do that to yourself?  They ate you alive last year!"  Even he saw what the experience had done to me.

I wish I could say that rejection ended there.  But life is not perfect.  People are not perfect.  The church is not perfect.

Still, there is a difference in my life today.  When rejection comes, it does not mean all is lost.  Joel 2:25 says "So I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust, the consuming locust, and the chewing locust, my great army which I sent among you."

What I now realize is that although painful, each experience, each rejection, moved me on to something or someplace else.  And with each new thing, another piece of the puzzle fit into place.  My faith and trust is now in God alone.  Rejection has led to restoration.  And restoration has equipped me to begin living a God-sized dream.

What has God used in your life to equip you for His purposes?  I'd love to hear your story in the comments...

Dream Interrupted

Today I read a post called "When You Don't Know" in which the author talked about having some of her dreams interrupted by life, causing her to wonder if she had a dream anymore. 

Afterward, I opened the list of posts on my blog and my eye was caught by a draft I started almost a year ago.  I was surprised to read these words:

"I've been reading about God-sized dreams...and about a life interrupted through divine interventions...and I am confused because I'm not seeing how they intersect.  They seem to be at odds.

I have a dream.  To write.  To speak.  To change my little corner of the world.  It's God-sized to be sure.  Far loftier goals than I could ever hope to attain through my own feeble efforts.  But life hasn't been turning out like I thought it would. 

I can hear you now saying "c'mon Toni,.life rarely - if ever - turns out the way we expect".  I'm sure there's a lot of truth in that.  And yet..."

And that's as far as I got.

A year later and once again I've been reading a lot about God-sized dreams on sites like (in)courage and the newly launched God-Sized Dreams, so I think it's time not only to pick up where I left off, but to address my earlier confusion, because a year has clearly shown me how completely those two things - the God-sized dream and a life interrupted - can be totally connected...

As I met with the Pastor of Worship at my new church to discuss singing with the praise team, I mentioned my son.

"A son, so you're married?"

"Well, I've been separated for about a year now."

In the discussion that followed, he explained that while he didn't know me or the circumstances surrounding my separation, he had a policy.  He felt leading others while in the process of the divorce wasn't in my best interest, suggested attending Divorce Care, and said we could revisit the possibility of helping to lead worship once I was divorced and healing had taken place.

I was devastated.  I always believed singing was my God-given gift and calling.

It was "what I did".  

But there's a part of the story I haven't mentioned.  It's what happened before that encounter.  On my way to the meeting with that pastor, the strangest thing occurred.  I was rehearsing the song I was going to sing for him, but the closer I got to my destination, the more my voice weakened.  By the time I pulled into the church parking lot, I could barely speak let alone sing.  I sat in my car and cried out loud in a barely audible voice, "Lord, what's going on? What's happening to my voice?  Don't you want me to sing?"

I asked the question, but didn't listen for the answer because of course, it couldn't be 'no'.  I mean, after all, this is what I did in church.  

What I did do was leave that church angry.  Back in my car, it all came flooding out.  "God...what's with this guy?  He's right...he doesn't know me! Doesn't know my heart or my walk with you.  How can he judge me like that? Who better than me to minister to the brokenhearted and hurting God?  I've gone to hell and back this past year, Lord.  I've learned to trust you more than I ever did before.  I don't get this!!"

All the way home I seethed.  I didn't even realize my voice had returned as quickly as it had gone.

So, bam.  That was it.  Door closed.  

Slowly though, it did begin to dawn on me...the answer to my cry in the parking lot.  God didn't want me to sing - at least not at that particular time.  And He didn't want me to blame that pastor.  That's why my voice had disappeared just long enough to have the encounter...God wanted me to know He was in control of this situation.

But now what?  I was a fish out of water.

Despite that bitter disappointment, I really loved this church.  Sunday after Sunday since I had arrived, the words from the pulpit had been exactly what I needed to hear.  I truly felt God had given the senior pastor direct access to my heart and mind and was speaking to the hurts.  I was finally being fed in a way that hadn't happened in years.  

I realized I needed to listen and watch and pray to see what God did want me to do.  

Almost nine months passed.  That Christmas, the church held a "Family Photo Night" at a local women's shelter.  Instead of serving a Christmas dinner, we wanted to do something lasting...something that would make a real impact in the lives of those families.

Two photographers - one of whom was my daughter - set up holiday backdrops, and the place buzzed with excitement.  We photographed 35 families that evening.  A week later, a friend and I went back with a framed 5x7 photo and a dozen wallet sized pictures of each family.

It was a sight I will never forget.  Grown women running around like school girls exchanging the wallet photos with such joy! One woman reached out and put her hand on my friend's arm.

"Why are you doing this for us?" she asked with tears in her eyes.

"Because Jesus loves you, and we love you, and we just wanted you to know that," was my friend's reply.

I had read articles and books on ministry and they always said things like, 'you'll know where to plug in when you discover where your passion is...what breaks your heart.'

In that moment, I finally understood what that meant - and I knew what God was calling me to do.  

Closing the door on singing was a divine interruption.  If it hadn't happened, I would have joined the praise team and that would have been the end of it.  I would have done what I always did.

But God did interrupt my life, and He gave me a new dream.  One more far-reaching than I could have asked or imagined.

If you're asking questions, make sure you listen for the answer because very likely it will not be the one you expect.

And if you think God is taking your dream away...or you don't know whether you still have a dream because life's taken over...be still - and know that He is God. The Planter of dreams. The Giver of good things.  Just listen for His voice...

I'm pleased to link up today with God-sized Dreams and I invite you to read about the dream-seeking journey others are on too.