Dream Interrupted

Today I read a post called "When You Don't Know" in which the author talked about having some of her dreams interrupted by life, causing her to wonder if she had a dream anymore. 

Afterward, I opened the list of posts on my blog and my eye was caught by a draft I started almost a year ago.  I was surprised to read these words:

"I've been reading about God-sized dreams...and about a life interrupted through divine interventions...and I am confused because I'm not seeing how they intersect.  They seem to be at odds.

I have a dream.  To write.  To speak.  To change my little corner of the world.  It's God-sized to be sure.  Far loftier goals than I could ever hope to attain through my own feeble efforts.  But life hasn't been turning out like I thought it would. 

I can hear you now saying "c'mon Toni,.life rarely - if ever - turns out the way we expect".  I'm sure there's a lot of truth in that.  And yet..."

And that's as far as I got.

A year later and once again I've been reading a lot about God-sized dreams on sites like (in)courage and the newly launched God-Sized Dreams, so I think it's time not only to pick up where I left off, but to address my earlier confusion, because a year has clearly shown me how completely those two things - the God-sized dream and a life interrupted - can be totally connected...

As I met with the Pastor of Worship at my new church to discuss singing with the praise team, I mentioned my son.

"A son, so you're married?"

"Well, I've been separated for about a year now."

In the discussion that followed, he explained that while he didn't know me or the circumstances surrounding my separation, he had a policy.  He felt leading others while in the process of the divorce wasn't in my best interest, suggested attending Divorce Care, and said we could revisit the possibility of helping to lead worship once I was divorced and healing had taken place.

I was devastated.  I always believed singing was my God-given gift and calling.

It was "what I did".  

But there's a part of the story I haven't mentioned.  It's what happened before that encounter.  On my way to the meeting with that pastor, the strangest thing occurred.  I was rehearsing the song I was going to sing for him, but the closer I got to my destination, the more my voice weakened.  By the time I pulled into the church parking lot, I could barely speak let alone sing.  I sat in my car and cried out loud in a barely audible voice, "Lord, what's going on? What's happening to my voice?  Don't you want me to sing?"

I asked the question, but didn't listen for the answer because of course, it couldn't be 'no'.  I mean, after all, this is what I did in church.  

What I did do was leave that church angry.  Back in my car, it all came flooding out.  "God...what's with this guy?  He's right...he doesn't know me! Doesn't know my heart or my walk with you.  How can he judge me like that? Who better than me to minister to the brokenhearted and hurting God?  I've gone to hell and back this past year, Lord.  I've learned to trust you more than I ever did before.  I don't get this!!"

All the way home I seethed.  I didn't even realize my voice had returned as quickly as it had gone.

So, bam.  That was it.  Door closed.  

Slowly though, it did begin to dawn on me...the answer to my cry in the parking lot.  God didn't want me to sing - at least not at that particular time.  And He didn't want me to blame that pastor.  That's why my voice had disappeared just long enough to have the encounter...God wanted me to know He was in control of this situation.

But now what?  I was a fish out of water.

Despite that bitter disappointment, I really loved this church.  Sunday after Sunday since I had arrived, the words from the pulpit had been exactly what I needed to hear.  I truly felt God had given the senior pastor direct access to my heart and mind and was speaking to the hurts.  I was finally being fed in a way that hadn't happened in years.  

I realized I needed to listen and watch and pray to see what God did want me to do.  

Almost nine months passed.  That Christmas, the church held a "Family Photo Night" at a local women's shelter.  Instead of serving a Christmas dinner, we wanted to do something lasting...something that would make a real impact in the lives of those families.

Two photographers - one of whom was my daughter - set up holiday backdrops, and the place buzzed with excitement.  We photographed 35 families that evening.  A week later, a friend and I went back with a framed 5x7 photo and a dozen wallet sized pictures of each family.

It was a sight I will never forget.  Grown women running around like school girls exchanging the wallet photos with such joy! One woman reached out and put her hand on my friend's arm.

"Why are you doing this for us?" she asked with tears in her eyes.

"Because Jesus loves you, and we love you, and we just wanted you to know that," was my friend's reply.

I had read articles and books on ministry and they always said things like, 'you'll know where to plug in when you discover where your passion is...what breaks your heart.'

In that moment, I finally understood what that meant - and I knew what God was calling me to do.  

Closing the door on singing was a divine interruption.  If it hadn't happened, I would have joined the praise team and that would have been the end of it.  I would have done what I always did.

But God did interrupt my life, and He gave me a new dream.  One more far-reaching than I could have asked or imagined.

If you're asking questions, make sure you listen for the answer because very likely it will not be the one you expect.

And if you think God is taking your dream away...or you don't know whether you still have a dream because life's taken over...be still - and know that He is God. The Planter of dreams. The Giver of good things.  Just listen for His voice...

I'm pleased to link up today with God-sized Dreams and I invite you to read about the dream-seeking journey others are on too.