The Despair to Prayer Chronicles - Part 5

If you've been on this journey with me the past 4 days, you know I've gone from saying "I feel so empty...so far from God, and too tired to pray", to confessing "the more I didn't pray, the more I didn't want to pray." By the third installment, I was taking some time to get away and in the quiet of my car, I began to talk to God for the first time in weeks. Finally, I realized once you've met Him in a personal way, the world is not right when you're apart.

So at this point, I have reconciled with God and on my first day in Ocean City He began teaching me ocean side lessons through His creation. Part 5 picks up with the dawning of Day Two...

I woke up a little after 6 and looked out the back door in time to see the sun beginning to rise out of the ocean.

A tiny ball of yellow with hues of blue, rose and orange surrounding it.

You may recall that just the day before I had been praying "...for His forgiveness for my pride, my critical spirit, and my judgmental attitude."

I had come to the conclusion that "My job was to make sure MY heart was right before God.  That I was seeking and doing His will.  I could pray for others, that they too were seeking God's face in decisions they were making, but beyond that, I needed to hang up my robe and set down the gavel."

Apparently I had my actions properly pegged, because I opened my devotional and the words jumped off the page: "Come to me and rest.  Give your mind a break from its habitual judging. You form judgments about this situation, that situation, this person, that person, yourself, even the weather - as if judging were your main function in life. But I created you first and foremost to know me and to live in rich communication with Me. When you become preoccupied with passing judgment, you usurp My role."

I stopped reading and said out loud "but God...I came to that realization yesterday!"

Ah...but God knows me well enough to know I need a reminder.  In fact, just a week after I returned home my judging habit was once again put to the test.  I wish I could say I passed with flying colors, not judging things at all, but I can say where I might have dwelt on the situation and let it gnaw at me previously, I was able to recognize what was going on in my heart and mind and pray about it immediately, giving it over to God.  Progress!

Once again, after my quite time, I went down to the beach for a long walk, then grabbed my things and settled in to read.

The book I opened first was "Too Busy NOT To Pray", by Bill Hybels.  This book has been out for years - in fact, I had the "20th anniversary edition" published in 2008.  Apparently I'd been really busy, because I had never heard of it before a friend recommended it.

As I mentioned previously, I thought I had the prayer part of my walk down pretty well.  Thought I was pretty faithful.  But this dry spell showed me, as imperfect human beings, we've never got anything 'down pat' this side of heaven.

It reminds me of a joke I heard once.  After a service, a pastor was shaking hands with attendees.  One man said, "Pastor, I just want to tell you, I've worked very hard at keeping all the commandments this week...I haven't broken one!"  To which the pastor replied "well, now, you must be very proud of that."  The man nodded in the affirmative, not even aware of his sin of pride.  We can't and won't ever get it all right, all the time.  If we could do that on our own, we'd have no need of a Savior.

Back to the book...of course it's broken into chapters, but in addition, each few chapters have an overall theme...God calls us into His presence, God invites us to talk with Him, God breaks down the barriers between us, God speaks to our hearts and God prompts us to action.  Many concepts in this book weren't necessarily new to me, but they brought me back to the basics in such a manner that I saw things in a fresh way.  There was a chapter called "mountain-moving prayer" that I especially connected with.

Bill Hybels begins the chapter by quoting Matthew 21:21-22..."Jesus said, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith and do not doubt...you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done.  If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer.'"  Then Bill says "Jesus, of course, was not in the excavation business. He had little interest in relocating piles of rocks to the ocean's depths. He was using the term 'mountain' figuratively, in hopes of conveying to all believers that we can be confident that our prayers carry great power." He then goes on to cite two principles he'd learned over the years...1) Faith comes by looking at God, not at the mountain and  2) God gives us faith as we walk by His side.

I had been looking at the mountain so long it had paralyzed me with fear and filled me with frustration.  

It kept me from seeking the Mountain Mover.  When I failed to walk by His side daily, my faith weakened. I didn't doubt God, but I wasn't trusting Him for everything and in everything either.

Later that afternoon as the tide went out, I took another walk down the shoreline looking at all the shells left behind.

I found a small conch shell and picked it up.  When I turned it over, I saw it was broken.  I was disappointed because I thought it was complete until I saw the underside.

As I went to toss it into the waves, I stopped, because I felt God was speaking to my heart.

 You're like this shell, Toni.  Even though it's been tossed by the sea and broken in places, I created it with an intricate beauty that remains.  In fact, those seeming imperfections are what make it unique, different from all the others.

I realized God would never toss me away because I was broken.  

I rinsed off the sand and brought it back to the house.  It now sits on my desk, a daily reminder that there is beauty in our brokenness when we let go of the despair, and receive healing through prayer.

Tomorrow, we wrap up the chronicles with a deeper look at prayer...

The Oxymoron of Me - The Wild, Quiet Life

I tend to live life at 100 mph.  Always doing, always thinking, always connecting people one with another.  I work a full time job, head a ministry that could easily be a full time job, and have spent a lot of time lately with my 22 year old son who's been going through some tough stuff the past 6 months.

On top of all those things vying for my time, I'm on the church praise team, lead a monthly women's prayer group, and I try to stay in touch with many friends through emails, cards, and trips to the diner for a cup of coffee.


And then there are my interests and passions.  Writing, singing, reading, biking, walking, the theater, and most recently some very amateur photography.









I'm very lucky in that while I'll never become wealthy doing my job, it has wonderful perks which allow me access to local theaters, Broadway, concerts, theme parks, ball parks, restaurants and more...all at no cost.  A friend once joked that I live a wild life of constant entertainment.  That might be a tad overstated, but I am fortunate to have many cultural outlets.

Recently though, I've slowed down.  I've taken my foot entirely off the gas pedal.  I've begun to coast.  Part of it might be attributable to the very early spring here in New Jersey.  Beautiful, sunny weather with temps in the 60's, 70's and even 80's last month made day after day a wonder to behold.  And behold I have.  Where normally I'm one to look at the trees and wonder when they'd gone from bare to full bloom, I'm now outside each day seeing the subtlety of change.

Buds tightly closed one day, are cracked open the next.  A day or two later I see the flowers begin to unfurl.  Like watching time elapsed photography, I'm aware of trees, shrubs, plants and flowers slowly and beautifully coming back to life.  Bursts of color...yellow, red, pink, green,  purple, white...a veritable rainbow of hues cover the landscape.

And then there are the walks along the shore of my lake.  Spectacular sunsets compete each evening for "best in show".  Golden sunsets shimmer over the ripples of water.  Trees are highlighted against skies painted with such exquisite intensity it's as if they're on fire.  Even the moon, stars and other planets like Venus and Jupiter have put on an amazing display night after night.

So what's the problem?  Well, I find myself in uncharted territory.  While I've slowed down before, for a day, a weekend, maybe on rare occasion even for a week's vacation, this has lasted for months.  My soul longs to be outside and commune with God's creation.  I rush to the park after work to catch enough light to take the 3 and a half mile walk through some of the woods and fields near the marina.

 I've been setting aside all else so that I can quiet my heart, extend my hand, and let God lead me in the dance.  It's as if I can't absorb enough of the sights, sounds, and smells that surround me outdoors.  I try to log each one somewhere in my mind, tucking it away.  Hiding the experiences in my heart.  It almost scares me.  Why this sudden push to soak in the beauty and stillness of my surroundings?  Why the hesitation to take on all those responsibilities that used to consume my day?  Am I subconsciously aware that there will come a time when I can no longer indulge my senses in this way?  Will there come a time when things are so hard I will need to dig deep to remember this closeness to my Creator?  I don't know, but I'm fighting the part of me that feels guilty for stepping off the treadmill and just standing in awe at all that's around me.

After all, doesn't Psalm 46:10 say  "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth?" (NIV) And Psalm 23: 1-3 remind us "The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me  lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.  (emphasis mine) He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake."(NIV).  So why should I feel bad?  I also think about Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 which says: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

I can't stay in this place forever.  I need to get back to family needs, ministry tasks, day to day obligations.  But I have come to believe that this is a God-given season of refreshing.  An extended downtime when He and I can walk together and I can simply drink in all He has to show me and reflect on it.  He has created a world for me to enjoy and I am being obedient when I take the time to do that. When I once again have to pick up the pace, I pray I can find balance.  Rest stops along the highway.  Or better yet, instead of going only 0 or 100 mph, cruising more consistently at a manageable 50.

I generally wrap up my posts with some conclusion, some 'insightful' thought,or lesson learned, but today I feel like I'm just wondering out loud.  It's been such a strange time for me.  I'd love to hear about any similar experience you might have had.  What have YOU learned from it?