The Oxymoron of Me - The Wild, Quiet Life

I tend to live life at 100 mph.  Always doing, always thinking, always connecting people one with another.  I work a full time job, head a ministry that could easily be a full time job, and have spent a lot of time lately with my 22 year old son who's been going through some tough stuff the past 6 months.

On top of all those things vying for my time, I'm on the church praise team, lead a monthly women's prayer group, and I try to stay in touch with many friends through emails, cards, and trips to the diner for a cup of coffee.


And then there are my interests and passions.  Writing, singing, reading, biking, walking, the theater, and most recently some very amateur photography.









I'm very lucky in that while I'll never become wealthy doing my job, it has wonderful perks which allow me access to local theaters, Broadway, concerts, theme parks, ball parks, restaurants and more...all at no cost.  A friend once joked that I live a wild life of constant entertainment.  That might be a tad overstated, but I am fortunate to have many cultural outlets.

Recently though, I've slowed down.  I've taken my foot entirely off the gas pedal.  I've begun to coast.  Part of it might be attributable to the very early spring here in New Jersey.  Beautiful, sunny weather with temps in the 60's, 70's and even 80's last month made day after day a wonder to behold.  And behold I have.  Where normally I'm one to look at the trees and wonder when they'd gone from bare to full bloom, I'm now outside each day seeing the subtlety of change.

Buds tightly closed one day, are cracked open the next.  A day or two later I see the flowers begin to unfurl.  Like watching time elapsed photography, I'm aware of trees, shrubs, plants and flowers slowly and beautifully coming back to life.  Bursts of color...yellow, red, pink, green,  purple, white...a veritable rainbow of hues cover the landscape.

And then there are the walks along the shore of my lake.  Spectacular sunsets compete each evening for "best in show".  Golden sunsets shimmer over the ripples of water.  Trees are highlighted against skies painted with such exquisite intensity it's as if they're on fire.  Even the moon, stars and other planets like Venus and Jupiter have put on an amazing display night after night.

So what's the problem?  Well, I find myself in uncharted territory.  While I've slowed down before, for a day, a weekend, maybe on rare occasion even for a week's vacation, this has lasted for months.  My soul longs to be outside and commune with God's creation.  I rush to the park after work to catch enough light to take the 3 and a half mile walk through some of the woods and fields near the marina.

 I've been setting aside all else so that I can quiet my heart, extend my hand, and let God lead me in the dance.  It's as if I can't absorb enough of the sights, sounds, and smells that surround me outdoors.  I try to log each one somewhere in my mind, tucking it away.  Hiding the experiences in my heart.  It almost scares me.  Why this sudden push to soak in the beauty and stillness of my surroundings?  Why the hesitation to take on all those responsibilities that used to consume my day?  Am I subconsciously aware that there will come a time when I can no longer indulge my senses in this way?  Will there come a time when things are so hard I will need to dig deep to remember this closeness to my Creator?  I don't know, but I'm fighting the part of me that feels guilty for stepping off the treadmill and just standing in awe at all that's around me.

After all, doesn't Psalm 46:10 say  "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth?" (NIV) And Psalm 23: 1-3 remind us "The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me  lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.  (emphasis mine) He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake."(NIV).  So why should I feel bad?  I also think about Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 which says: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

I can't stay in this place forever.  I need to get back to family needs, ministry tasks, day to day obligations.  But I have come to believe that this is a God-given season of refreshing.  An extended downtime when He and I can walk together and I can simply drink in all He has to show me and reflect on it.  He has created a world for me to enjoy and I am being obedient when I take the time to do that. When I once again have to pick up the pace, I pray I can find balance.  Rest stops along the highway.  Or better yet, instead of going only 0 or 100 mph, cruising more consistently at a manageable 50.

I generally wrap up my posts with some conclusion, some 'insightful' thought,or lesson learned, but today I feel like I'm just wondering out loud.  It's been such a strange time for me.  I'd love to hear about any similar experience you might have had.  What have YOU learned from it?