The Despair to Prayer Chronicles - Part 3

Four years ago I took a journey from despair to prayer. I'm sharing those posts again because the things I learned and experienced are as valid today as they were then. For the full back story, check out Part 1 and Part 2.

I knew a friend of mine was going to allow me the use of his beach house for a few days, but I didn't know exactly when until the week before.  Luckily, the God who created the entire universe also knows exactly what each of us needs and when.  The timing couldn't have been more perfect.  When I thought I was at my breaking point, I was given the opportunity to slip away, reconnect with God, and get back on track.

So here it was, Monday morning, and I was heading down to Ocean City, New Jersey.

I took my time driving down.  It was a picture perfect September day-a deep blue sky with fluffy white clouds ambling across the heavens, and temps in the high 70s. The sun warmed my face, and I rode with the window down to enjoy the slight breeze.

Half an hour in, I stopped at a farmer's market for plums. I really wanted blueberries for pancakes in the morning, but they weren't in season.

Another 45 minutes or so down the road, I grabbed a sweet tea at a McDonald's. The more miles I put between me and my stresses, the better I began to feel.

With no one calling my name, no one pulling me in ten different directions at once, I could let my guard down and open up the dialog I'd been avoiding for a long time.

In the quiet of my car, I began to talk to God for the first time in weeks.

Soon it all came tumbling out as I shared with Him my frustrations, uncertainties, and anger, especially with regard to one relationship in my life. I was able to articulate things I couldn't before, but I was also taking ownership of certain feelings I didn't realize had been festering, instead of pointing fingers and casting blame.

I asked for His forgiveness for my pride, my critical spirit, and my judgmental attitude. The ability to correctly read the heart belonged to God alone.  My job was to make sure that MY heart was right before God.  That I was seeking and doing His will. I could pray for others, that they too were seeking God's face in decisions they were making, but beyond that, I needed to hang up my robe and set down the gavel.

I realized two things that day. My broken human relationship had affected my heavenly one, and I didn't have to take on responsibility for the actions of another.

A huge weight was removed.

Part of that statement might be a no-brainer for you, but as a people-pleaser, it's hard for me not to take things on that aren't mine to bear. I'm always trying to smooth things out and make them right. I hate conflict, even when I'm receiving the brunt of the unfair treatment.

At 11 a.m., I arrived at my destination, now with a lighter heart. I slipped the key into the lock and took a look around.  Just as I remembered it...bright, clean, quiet, with a back porch view of the breakers. I could hardly wait to hit the beach.

Once the food was put away I dug out my bathing suit, slipped it on, and lathered up the sun screen.  With cooler bag, chair and umbrella slung over my shoulder, I headed for the sand.

It was just a few dozen yards up the path to the beach, which was far more full than I had anticipated at this time of year. Eventually, I found an empty patch of sand and dropped my gear.

The chair was positioned so I could look straight out at the ocean. To me, there is nothing more healing than listening to the sounds of waves and staring into the enormity of the sea.

The umbrella was plunged into the sand directly behind the chair. I plopped myself into the seat, dug out a bottle of water, pulled out my devotional, Jesus Calling, and opened it to the entry for September 12th.  "Receive my peace. It is my continual gift to you. The best way to receive this gift is to sit quietly in My Presence, trusting Me in every area of your life. Quietness and trust accomplish far more than you can imagine: not only in you, but also on earth, and in heaven. When you trust Me in a given area, you release that problem or person into my care.  Spending alone time with me can be a difficult discipline, because it goes against the activity addiction of this age. You may appear to be doing nothing; but actually, you are participating in battles going on in spiritual realms. You are waging war-not with the weapons of the world, but with heavenly weapons; which have divine power to demolish strongholds. Living close to Me is a sure defense against evil."

As my friend Agnes says, "sometimes that book is just freaky. It says what you need to hear, just at the right time."

Truer words never spoken.

I closed my eyes and, for the first time in a long time, sat quietly resting in the presence of my King.

Tomorrow, we take a look at the rest of Psalm 42...

The Oxymoron of Me - The Wild, Quiet Life

I tend to live life at 100 mph.  Always doing, always thinking, always connecting people one with another.  I work a full time job, head a ministry that could easily be a full time job, and have spent a lot of time lately with my 22 year old son who's been going through some tough stuff the past 6 months.

On top of all those things vying for my time, I'm on the church praise team, lead a monthly women's prayer group, and I try to stay in touch with many friends through emails, cards, and trips to the diner for a cup of coffee.


And then there are my interests and passions.  Writing, singing, reading, biking, walking, the theater, and most recently some very amateur photography.









I'm very lucky in that while I'll never become wealthy doing my job, it has wonderful perks which allow me access to local theaters, Broadway, concerts, theme parks, ball parks, restaurants and more...all at no cost.  A friend once joked that I live a wild life of constant entertainment.  That might be a tad overstated, but I am fortunate to have many cultural outlets.

Recently though, I've slowed down.  I've taken my foot entirely off the gas pedal.  I've begun to coast.  Part of it might be attributable to the very early spring here in New Jersey.  Beautiful, sunny weather with temps in the 60's, 70's and even 80's last month made day after day a wonder to behold.  And behold I have.  Where normally I'm one to look at the trees and wonder when they'd gone from bare to full bloom, I'm now outside each day seeing the subtlety of change.

Buds tightly closed one day, are cracked open the next.  A day or two later I see the flowers begin to unfurl.  Like watching time elapsed photography, I'm aware of trees, shrubs, plants and flowers slowly and beautifully coming back to life.  Bursts of color...yellow, red, pink, green,  purple, white...a veritable rainbow of hues cover the landscape.

And then there are the walks along the shore of my lake.  Spectacular sunsets compete each evening for "best in show".  Golden sunsets shimmer over the ripples of water.  Trees are highlighted against skies painted with such exquisite intensity it's as if they're on fire.  Even the moon, stars and other planets like Venus and Jupiter have put on an amazing display night after night.

So what's the problem?  Well, I find myself in uncharted territory.  While I've slowed down before, for a day, a weekend, maybe on rare occasion even for a week's vacation, this has lasted for months.  My soul longs to be outside and commune with God's creation.  I rush to the park after work to catch enough light to take the 3 and a half mile walk through some of the woods and fields near the marina.

 I've been setting aside all else so that I can quiet my heart, extend my hand, and let God lead me in the dance.  It's as if I can't absorb enough of the sights, sounds, and smells that surround me outdoors.  I try to log each one somewhere in my mind, tucking it away.  Hiding the experiences in my heart.  It almost scares me.  Why this sudden push to soak in the beauty and stillness of my surroundings?  Why the hesitation to take on all those responsibilities that used to consume my day?  Am I subconsciously aware that there will come a time when I can no longer indulge my senses in this way?  Will there come a time when things are so hard I will need to dig deep to remember this closeness to my Creator?  I don't know, but I'm fighting the part of me that feels guilty for stepping off the treadmill and just standing in awe at all that's around me.

After all, doesn't Psalm 46:10 say  "Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth?" (NIV) And Psalm 23: 1-3 remind us "The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me  lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.  (emphasis mine) He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake."(NIV).  So why should I feel bad?  I also think about Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8 which says: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

I can't stay in this place forever.  I need to get back to family needs, ministry tasks, day to day obligations.  But I have come to believe that this is a God-given season of refreshing.  An extended downtime when He and I can walk together and I can simply drink in all He has to show me and reflect on it.  He has created a world for me to enjoy and I am being obedient when I take the time to do that. When I once again have to pick up the pace, I pray I can find balance.  Rest stops along the highway.  Or better yet, instead of going only 0 or 100 mph, cruising more consistently at a manageable 50.

I generally wrap up my posts with some conclusion, some 'insightful' thought,or lesson learned, but today I feel like I'm just wondering out loud.  It's been such a strange time for me.  I'd love to hear about any similar experience you might have had.  What have YOU learned from it?