A Journey Through Time: Finding Purpose In Him

So there's this thing called "Random Journal Day".  I was made aware of it a week ago by my friend Dawn at Beneath the Surface, and invited to participate.  I thought about it for days, knowing that many, many entries were of such an intensely personal nature on one particular subject, that it wouldn't be of much help or interest to anyone other than myself to see where the road has led. 

Tonight, I finally sat down and began leafing through page upon page of hand-written thoughts, prayers and emotions.  As I remembered, there was an inordinate amount of logging on a situation that will remain between me, God and those journal pages.  Perhaps if there's ever a day when it works itself out, I'll share the journey to the resolution, but not today.

Today, I share an entry from June 4, 2007.  I had been separated for 5 months, had gone from leading worship at a church of 2,000 to one with a congregation of 20, and had recently escaped a downsizing at work but was putting in 16 hour days. In the midst of all this change and upset, I was reading through Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life.  Each day had a Bible verse and a question posed.  This particular day the verse I read was Colossians 1:16b "Everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him."

The question posed  was this:  "In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?"

Herein lies the irony...my profession is that of commercial writer for a radio station.  It is, in fact, my job to convince people that life is indeed all about them.  That they have a need for a service or product that must be met, and that they are worthy and deserving of satisfying that need. 

The response I logged was:  "An interesting question given the 'purpose' of my current profession.  And given all the 'me' questions swirling in my head lately - 'what should I do about my job, my marriage, my church?'  It seems it would all be so much easier to stop thinking about me and concentrate on God.  Not that the questions will disappear, but maybe the answers will come once things are in the proper perspective.  So how DO I remind myself that it's about living for God?  When I sing at Journey (my church at the time) I look out at just 20 people in the congregation, but I'm enjoying leading in worship - I know it's for God - there's no glory in singing in front of such a small group, yet I'm still content to do it.  It's from the heart and an act of worship, it's not about me - and that's a good thing...I believe I'm using the gifts He gave me, which is pleasing to Him, but I'm not sure whether they're being used for His purpose for my life.  


I know one answer to the question posed - and probably to several of my own - is that reading my Bible and meditating on what it says as well as daily prayer will help me to remember it's about God and what HE wants to do with me...and not about what I want.  I've gotten what I want before and it led to heartache.  I just need to be willing to put down those desires I think I want and need to be willing to wait and see if it's what He has for me...what will fulfill that purpose?  Will I reconcile?  Remain single?  Find new love?  Pressing questions for me, that when held up in the light of eternity, are so very unimportant.  What is important is how I react, act and handle those situations as they unfold.  The world is watching how Christians behave - they need to see Jesus in me and not me struggling for control over Jesus.  In the end, I want to be like Paul and count it all joy - the trials, the hardships and the good times because they all form who I am and how I interact with my Lord.


Lord, you have promised to take care of me, telling me to be anxious for nothing.  So once again, I make a conscious effort to lay down my fears, concerns, uncertainties and desires, knowing you are sufficient to supply all my needs and that you will never leave me or forsake me - and I in turn will strive to live for you."

Almost 5 years later I have some answers to those 'me' questions I grappled with as well as a new found purpose.  I've been divorced for about a year and a half.  While I know that God hates the dissolution of the marriage vow, there were reasons present which 'covered' the decision to end the union.  I am a healthier, happier, more effective person because of it.  I still don't know if God's will for me is to remain single or if He has a new relationship in my future, but I know that His timing is perfect.  The church I now call home is not the one I was in 5 years ago with just 20 members, however that tiny church plant was the place where I was introduced to my life's purpose.  Community outreach was a huge part of who they were as a congregation and I quickly realized that it was something that spoke to my heart in a powerful way.  I now head up a ministry at my new church called CommunityConnections.  I'm at the same job, but have the help I so desperately needed after the downsizing.  In fact, that job has provided contacts and blessings to help further the work of the outreach ministry.  I've walked through a lot of highs and lows in 5 years, but the Lord has been faithful to His promises to always care and provide for me and He has never left me...and I continue to strive to live for Him.

The Substitution Principle

A few days ago I said I'd be posting an observation a day that I've gleaned from my fast.  Yes, well, best laid plans and all that I'm afraid.  I've had plenty of observations, just haven't had the motivation to sit down and write them out.  Perhaps it's because they show me for who I really am and that's often not very pretty.  Regardless, I'm back on track with one today.

Observation #2 is the substitution principle...when something is removed to create a void, something else comes along to fill it up.  "Duh" you say.  Maybe so, but this is my blog, so work with me here.

I was married for 31 years before the divorce became final a little over a year ago.  Unfortunately, the marriage was never a good one.  A union for all the wrong reasons, there were many cracks in the foundation.  Over the years, those cracks became gaping holes.  The void created by my husband's lack of love and attention was filled with shopping and food.  Things that gave momentary pleasure and seemingly filled the empty spaces in my life, but they were empty too and brought unpleasant consequences with them.  The hollowness in my soul created when his harsh words tore down my dignity and self worth was filled with self doubt and self loathing as the lies took root and grew to fill the darkness - a substitution even more insidious and dangerous to my well-being.

But that was then and this is now.  While it shaped who I was for a very long time, I'm learning through God's grace and patience, that He is the only thing that can truly fill the empty spaces.  I wish I could say "lesson learned" and check it off my list, but I am human and often make the same or similar mistakes many times over in the process.  Trying to purge some of the substitutions is one of the reasons I'm on this 29 day fast.  Idols of various kinds have sprung up in my life like dandelions.  A single, innocuous little yellow flower one monent, the next  it seems to have infiltrated the entire lawn.  Initially, I didn't think of the things I'm fasting from as substitutions for God, but in one way or another, they are.  I look to those other people or things for fulfillment, comfort, worth, satisfaction and a host of others emotions

Sometimes substitutions aren't intrinsically bad, but even the good ones fill the gap in the wrong way.  For example, I mentioned that my divorce was a little over a year ago, however, my husband walked out four years prior.  During that long separation, my grown daughter got her own place in another state.  Then my son began driving and, with his new found freedom, was rarely home.  Suddenly, my house was a very quiet, empty place.  I threw myself into work and church.  If I wasn't home, if I wasn't sitting still, maybe I wouldn't have to be alone with my thoughts.  Work and community outreach became the substitution for family.  Neither of those things were bad in and of themselves - in fact, if you've read my blog for any length of time, you know that I have found a real purpose and calling in leading the outreach ministry at my church.  Still, for a long time, there was no balance. 

I started thinking about the substitution principle a few days ago when a friend said in an email, "I bet you're so productive now that you're not on Facebook!".  I sat at my computer desk and looked around.  A suitcase remained unpacked from more than a week before.  Dust covering the furniture could be written on.  Clothes were folded on the couch but not yet put away.  A pile of ironing sat in a basket in the corner.  Productive?  Not quite hardly.  My mind began to run through all the things I'd done over the past week or so that had kept me from getting things done.  Nothing.  I hadn't gathered paperwork for taxes, hadn't written my community outreach newsletter, hadn't done much housework, hadn't even read many pages in the books I had set aside for this time.  What had filled all those hours I was saving by not being on Facebook?  Television. 

Although I'm not one to watch much TV, I was suddenly in front of it for hours at a time.  Tired, unmotivated, and totally vegged out.  Generally if I take the time to watch a program, I'm multi-tasking - going through mail, clipping coupons, ironing, etc.   But not the past two weeks.  You know the principle - a body in motion tends to stay in motion, but a body at rest tends to stay at rest.  All I had done was swapped a computer screen for a TV screen and it was worse because instead of at least interacting with someone on the other side, I was being fed a steady stream of mind-numbing, unimportant, junk.  One idol swapped for another.

At least I'm beginning to see the time-wasters for what they are.  But what will I do about it?  I intend not to turn on the TV in the first place when I get home.  I can always fill the silence with talking to God.  Never before have I had so much time to pray.  And frankly, I'm going through quite a time of testing on a number of fronts, so never before have I had so much to pray about.  I can also curl up with a Good Book.  It's not a bad thing to pull a novel off the shelf, so long as I've spent some time reading my Bible - don't want to substitute one for the other after all.

One last thought about the substitution principle.  There is good substitution when God's substitution principle is applied.  It's the one in which Jesus died on the cross, taking on my sin, my mistakes, my shame, all my junk that had created a huge void between God and I, and filled it with Himself.  It was the ultimate substitution and the only one I want to fill the empty spaces of my heart, mind and soul.  A void filled with Jesus is one that is filled with peace, love, grace, mercy, strength, and all things good.  John 10:10 says "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."  Now that's the kind of substitution I can live with...how about you?

Lakeside Services

I've been attending lakeside services with God for 4 years now. 

The chapel has no walls, doors, or steeple. Just grass, trees, water, and sky. A far more beautiful place to worship than any man-made building. 

And the sermons?  Well...they're truly Divine!

It amazes me that although I've lived in the same place for 25 years, I never really knew about the lake until recently. 

I more or less stumbled upon it 5 summers ago when I was in a dark place. 

The short version is I'd been married almost 27 years when my husband left in January 2007. It had always been a rocky union, so the separation actually brought a sense of relief. Still, I had a huge fear of the unknown. Married at 18, there was never a time when I was alone. And because I was constantly told I had no common sense, no worth, and no abilities, I was convinced I couldn't make it on my own. I wasn't sure how I could survive this new phase of my life.

In truth, it was hard.

I struggled financially teetering on the brink of collapse. All the costs of running the household were on me. 

I was excruciatingly lonely. Not that I hadn't been lonely often in my marriage, but this was different.

Then one day, I found myself driving through the park and decided to park by the marina. It was the sunset that drew me down to the shoreline of the lake. I sat in one of those 'left side' benches I've mentioned, surrounded by people enjoying the evening.

I silently wept feeling completely and utterly alone.

All these years later, I'm a very different woman.  I've learned I have abilities - many of them - all God-given and useful. And I have worth. I am, through God's grace, being used to touch many lives in important and lasting ways and helping others do the same. Common sense? Well, I strive to gain Godly wisdom because often what appears to be common sense to this world is foolishness in His eyes.

But all these years later, my Achilles Heel is sometimes believing I'm the same fearful woman who sat on the bench and cried 5 long summers ago. 

Loneliness is still one of my toughest battles and the enemy can somehow narrow my focus so that it is all I see. I temporarily forget all the miraculous wonders and provisions I've been the recipient of. I forget how far I've come.

Those are the days I sit on the bench and dissolve into tears, crying out to God "how it is possible so much time could go by with no change?  How can 5 years have passed with me, still a party of one, sitting on a bench for two?" I want someone to share the sunset with. Someone to walk and talk with. 

I have myself a fine little pity party on those days.

Patiently, God waits until I'm done with the temper tantrum and then He gently, but firmly, puts His hands on my shoulders and turns me around, encouraging me to take a good look at my past. 

I see myself in those early days - feeling as if I'd been cast out to sea without so much as a life jacket. The waves of finances, job uncertainty, personal insecurities, and more pummeling me, threatening to take me under and drown me.

"Change your focus Toni...look again," He whispers in my ear. 

Now I see Him on the shore. His hand stretched out across the face of the waters, calming the storms of life. Providing the needed finances at just the right time. Protecting the job when it was on the chopping block. Surrounding me with friends who love and encourage me. 

"I am with you always, Toni. Sometimes in this life you will go through storms, but I am in control." 

He brings Isaiah 43:2 to mind. "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." 

God has been there to share the sunsets with. He made them for me!

He is always there to walk with me and talk with me and He listens intently to everything I have to say.  

He reminds me when I look forward, all I see is my limited snapshot of a particular moment in time. I have to look backward to get a clue as to how it was all working together from the beginning.

Only He has the panoramic view of eternity looking forward. He is in the picture every step of the way.