A Journey Through Time: Finding Purpose In Him

So there's this thing called "Random Journal Day".  I was made aware of it a week ago by my friend Dawn at Beneath the Surface, and invited to participate.  I thought about it for days, knowing that many, many entries were of such an intensely personal nature on one particular subject, that it wouldn't be of much help or interest to anyone other than myself to see where the road has led. 

Tonight, I finally sat down and began leafing through page upon page of hand-written thoughts, prayers and emotions.  As I remembered, there was an inordinate amount of logging on a situation that will remain between me, God and those journal pages.  Perhaps if there's ever a day when it works itself out, I'll share the journey to the resolution, but not today.

Today, I share an entry from June 4, 2007.  I had been separated for 5 months, had gone from leading worship at a church of 2,000 to one with a congregation of 20, and had recently escaped a downsizing at work but was putting in 16 hour days. In the midst of all this change and upset, I was reading through Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life.  Each day had a Bible verse and a question posed.  This particular day the verse I read was Colossians 1:16b "Everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him."

The question posed  was this:  "In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?"

Herein lies the irony...my profession is that of commercial writer for a radio station.  It is, in fact, my job to convince people that life is indeed all about them.  That they have a need for a service or product that must be met, and that they are worthy and deserving of satisfying that need. 

The response I logged was:  "An interesting question given the 'purpose' of my current profession.  And given all the 'me' questions swirling in my head lately - 'what should I do about my job, my marriage, my church?'  It seems it would all be so much easier to stop thinking about me and concentrate on God.  Not that the questions will disappear, but maybe the answers will come once things are in the proper perspective.  So how DO I remind myself that it's about living for God?  When I sing at Journey (my church at the time) I look out at just 20 people in the congregation, but I'm enjoying leading in worship - I know it's for God - there's no glory in singing in front of such a small group, yet I'm still content to do it.  It's from the heart and an act of worship, it's not about me - and that's a good thing...I believe I'm using the gifts He gave me, which is pleasing to Him, but I'm not sure whether they're being used for His purpose for my life.  


I know one answer to the question posed - and probably to several of my own - is that reading my Bible and meditating on what it says as well as daily prayer will help me to remember it's about God and what HE wants to do with me...and not about what I want.  I've gotten what I want before and it led to heartache.  I just need to be willing to put down those desires I think I want and need to be willing to wait and see if it's what He has for me...what will fulfill that purpose?  Will I reconcile?  Remain single?  Find new love?  Pressing questions for me, that when held up in the light of eternity, are so very unimportant.  What is important is how I react, act and handle those situations as they unfold.  The world is watching how Christians behave - they need to see Jesus in me and not me struggling for control over Jesus.  In the end, I want to be like Paul and count it all joy - the trials, the hardships and the good times because they all form who I am and how I interact with my Lord.


Lord, you have promised to take care of me, telling me to be anxious for nothing.  So once again, I make a conscious effort to lay down my fears, concerns, uncertainties and desires, knowing you are sufficient to supply all my needs and that you will never leave me or forsake me - and I in turn will strive to live for you."

Almost 5 years later I have some answers to those 'me' questions I grappled with as well as a new found purpose.  I've been divorced for about a year and a half.  While I know that God hates the dissolution of the marriage vow, there were reasons present which 'covered' the decision to end the union.  I am a healthier, happier, more effective person because of it.  I still don't know if God's will for me is to remain single or if He has a new relationship in my future, but I know that His timing is perfect.  The church I now call home is not the one I was in 5 years ago with just 20 members, however that tiny church plant was the place where I was introduced to my life's purpose.  Community outreach was a huge part of who they were as a congregation and I quickly realized that it was something that spoke to my heart in a powerful way.  I now head up a ministry at my new church called CommunityConnections.  I'm at the same job, but have the help I so desperately needed after the downsizing.  In fact, that job has provided contacts and blessings to help further the work of the outreach ministry.  I've walked through a lot of highs and lows in 5 years, but the Lord has been faithful to His promises to always care and provide for me and He has never left me...and I continue to strive to live for Him.

True Rest

There's the faintest light behind the shades pulled down over my bedroom windows.  Dawn.  I open an eye and see the time.  The alarm won't go off for another hour, but now that sleep has been disturbed, I can't coax it to return.  I roll over and hug my pillow, desperate to get a few more moments of rest, but a million things begin to invade my mind.  This is not how I want to start my day.  Lord, quiet my thoughts.  I begin to pray.  Instead of complaining about sleep lost, I try to be thankful that I have awakened to another day, safe in my clean bed and warm house.  I praise God for my senses that allowed me to view the light, hear the faint ticking of the clock, smell the wood burning in the fireplace of a neighbor's home, feel the softness of my cat's fur as she rubs her head under my chin, hoping to rouse me so I'll feed her.  What else am I thankful for?  I think about heading downstairs to heat the water for a cup of tea.  I'll pull a bowl out of the cabinet and fill it with Cherrios, slice a banana over it, and add some milk.  Thank you Lord that I have a kitchen stocked with my choice of cereal, fresh fruit and milk...that I can turn on a tap to fill my kettle for tea.  How many of my neighbors have enough food on their table?  How many in this world have the luxury of walking into a store with dozens upon dozens of options just for their cereal bowl?  Or a dozen choices of milk?  How many will have to walk miles to a well for water instead of  descending down a flight of stairs?  And if I choose not to drink it from the tap, I can just open up a bottle because I've chosen to pay for what is essentially free!  How silly is that?


My mind is no longer on sleep.  I begin to think of friends who are going through difficult times.  With their kids.  Their spouses.  Their jobs.  Their lack of jobs.  Their health.  So many to pray for, how can I fit them all in?

Now I'm up, making that breakfast I thought about.  I by-pass the computer without hesitation and put my mug and bowl on a tray table as I curl up on the couch with my devotional and Bible.  "Come to Me and rest.  I am all about you, to bless and restore. Breathe Me in with each breath."  Today's devotional is based on Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest."

I thought rest would come with sleep, but true rest is here.  In His Word.  At His feet.  Laying my burdens down before the day even begins.  Being in His presence shows me clearly how I am blessed.  Beginning my day with thanksgiving has chased away the doubts.  He has been faithful to provide.  He has a track record that is perfect.  He will be faithful going forward.  Asking Him to meet the needs of others has taken my mind off of me.  THIS is how I want my day to begin.  Fully focused on Him.  I read on in my devotional "Lift up empty hands of faith to receive My precious Presence.  Light, Life, Joy, and Peace flow freely through this gift.  When your focus turns away from Me, you grasp for other things.  You drop the glowing gift of My Presence as you reach for lifeless ashes.  Return to Me; regain My Presence."  Amen