Giving Up Control

I've been writing a lot about trust this year, and for good reason.

But there's another lesson I'm being taught that I haven't jumped to write about. 

And there's a good reason for that too...it's not as "pretty". 





It's just as raw and real as learning to trust, and it's even related - in an ugly step-sister kinda way.

That lesson is humility.

A lesson I didn't realize I needed to learn.  A problem I didn't realize I had. 

When you think about it, it makes sense. 

Not trusting comes from wanting control. 

And being in control means the power is in YOUR hands.

Power is a heady feeling that doesn't play well with humility.

You see, the definition of humility is:  the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

 

When you think you're in control, you have an inflated opinion of your own importance, whether you realize it or not.

For me, the first inkling of a problem with humility came when I was faced with the very real possibility of being homeless.

Those who follow this blog know that I am in the process of selling my home with no profits to use to go elsewhere.

I have been forced to look at assistance programs and affordable housing which has wait lists many months long while I'm measuring time in weeks and days.

When I explain that to those assistance organizations, I am handed phone numbers for crisis situations, and those situations involve shelters.

Those who also follow this blog know that I am very involved in outreach, especially to those living in shelter situations.

But live in one?

The thought - and I am not proud of it...in fact, I am ashamed of it - crept in.

"But I'm not like those people."

Even though I don't live in an expensive home in the good part of town...even though I live hand to mouth...I had lifted myself above others.  I had a pride problem.

It was a disturbing and eye-opening truth to discover about myself, especially given my ministry.

Someone commented on my last post that she was sorry I had to go through this testing to learn what I am learning...and my response was one that has been rolling around in my brain since I wrote it.

I think the deeper our relationship with God, the harder the tests.

They have to get harder, because as we mature in our faith, God begins to dig deeper to get at those things that aren't as obvious.  Those things that hide in the corner of our hearts where we may not even realize they've taken root.

I thought about writing this sooner.  I thought about not writing this at all.  I thought about what others would think about me if I confessed my thoughts.

But when a sister sent me a snapshot of a devotional this morning, I knew it needed to be said.

It started out with "Sometimes My Sovereign hand - My control over your life - places you in humbling circumstances..."and the accompanying scripture was from 1 Peter 5:6 "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time."

I don't know what my immediate future holds. 

If staying in a shelter is part of it, I pray I can humble myself to be thankful for a roof over my head. 

Make no mistake.  It is not what I desire and I pray that God will spare me that difficulty.  But I am told to "be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." 

I am thankful that He has exposed this part of my heart and brought it out into the light where He can now deal with it. 

In Psalm 139 23 & 24, David prayed "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

That's a brave prayer to pray.  You have to be willing to give up control.  To be humble.  To take the test regardless of the outcome. 

Are you ready to give up control?