I'm on the couch wrapped in a blanket and propped up with pillows. Face pale, hair askew, sporting the same sweats I've worn the past three days.
I'm sicker than I've ever been before and the timing couldn't be worse.
In one week my church will hold it's Spring outreach - an event I oversee.
In three weeks I need to be packed and my home "broom clean" for closing.
A double-whammy of bronchitis and pneumonia has rendered me weak and exhausted.
The simplest task sucks the life out of me.
I'm not used to inactivity. To handing over the reins. To being weak.
I've talked a lot about trusting God. But I confess, right now, staring at everything that needs to be done, knowing that the clock is incessantly ticking toward a deadline, I really want to ask Him if He's checked His calendar lately...if He's aware of exactly what's going on down here.
Two weeks ago, I labored under the illusion that if I only had the strength, I would be in control of things.
Fast forward two weeks...
A recheck by the doctor and another chest x-ray confirm it.
I am on the mend.
God took care of the Spring outreach. He empowered my team, the site leaders, and over 100 volunteers, equipping them with what they needed to carry out the day.
I was present, but there was no need for me to be hands on.
The buyer contacted my real estate agent to say he'd be out of town the week we were to close - so would I mind pushing back the date a week?
I have "regained" my lost time.
All the things I thought I had to do, God did or is in the process of doing.
There is one thing I have been doing however. Seeing one central theme...one singular message, as I read my Bible and a variety of devotionals.
TRUST.
Oh that word! Look at just some of the verses and reminders that have come my way in the past few days...
Psalm 56:3 "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."
From The One Year Walk with God Devotional: "We are called to believe God with reckless abandon — not just believe that He is there and that He is involved with us somehow; but that He is actively, personally seeking our good and answering our prayers. We are to give up our own strategies and ambitions, to relinquish all "Plan Bs," to recklessly, irrevocably cast ourselves completely into His arms."
Psalm 9:10 "Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you."
From "Trust...a godly woman's adornment": Sometimes we stop believing that God will keep his promises; other times we attempt to reinterpret his promises to suit our plans and our schedule. If we stop trusting that God is able to act or to make clear how we are to act, then we are certain to seek our own solutions by laying hold of what lies right at hand. The bottom line is that we hate to wait. We crave a life we can control, and if we give into this craving, we are going to be tempted to wrest our circumstances away from God when he doesn't act as we think he should."
John 14:1 "Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me.
From "Jesus Calling": I am a mighty God. Nothing is too difficult for Me. I have chosen to use weak ones like you to accomplish My purposes. Your weakness is designed to open you up to My Power. Therefore, do not fear your limitations or measure the day's demands against your strength. What I require of you is to stay connected to Me, living in trusting dependence on My limitless resources. When you face unexpected demands, there is no need to panic. Remember that I am with you. Talk with Me, and listen while I talk you through each challenging situation. I am not a careless God. When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you to fully handle them. Relax in My Presence, trusting in My Strength.
2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
Today, my prayer is that...
I will learn to trust BEFORE the worry.
I will learn to trust THROUGHOUT the storm.
I will learn to trust that He sees the END when I can't even get my bearings in the now.
I will learn to trust in His strength. His goodness. His power.
Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!"
Are you trusting Him today? Will you join me in my prayer?
Love this Toni! So sorry this is the way you have to go to see and learn how to trust God even more...but praying that He does BIG things in the days and months to come for you!! {{hugs}}
ReplyDeleteThanks for the hugs Kristin :) I truly believe this is all leading up to something that will be obviously an "only God" kind of conclusion. Sometimes I think if I only learned faster or better it wouldn't be so hard...but then I think the more you learn, the harder the tests have to become to help you get to those deeper levels of understanding!
DeleteToni,
ReplyDeleteAs incredible and as meaningful as this post is to me (and I'm certain, to MANY others), you have to know I truly wish you didn’t have to go through all of this in order to write it.
But that’s what makes it so meaningful, so relatable – those of us reading it know it’s not just some message you’re sharing from a book you’ve read, or taken from someone’s sermon, or because you think it'll get lots of views. No...it’s real and it’s raw.
I was thinking the other day how great it would be if God were like a wizard and could just POOF!.....transform us, with the wave of His hand or a wand or a staff, into whomever it is we need to be for Him. Or supply us with whatever knowledge or traits we need in order to serve Him well.
But God is not Gandalf and life is certainly not a Lord of the Rings trilogy. He does what is necessary, and then we have our necessary part – and often, I feel our part is THE HARDEST part of all. The surrendering. The trusting. The believing without seeing. The obeying when moving forward and going where He says is terrifying and makes no sense. The waiting. The listening for His Voice.
I wish I had something more tangible to offer than to remind you that I’m praying and watching and waiting along with you.
Pam- I had to giggle a little when I read "or because you think it'll get a lot of views." :) Can you imagine going through all this for a handful of hits?
ReplyDeleteAnd yet, I can imagine God directing one person to read it who needs to see the struggle and hear the hope in the place He's got me and the words He's given me to give them encouragement. He cares like that.
Funny too that you mention "how great it would be if God were like a wizard." I was talking to a friend the other day about a housing possibility that I was waiting for an answer on. I said to her "it would really be the easiest way" - no contract, no security deposit, etc., etc. But even as I uttered the words, the thought came to my mind "God doesn't do things the 'easiest' way. He doesn't take the path of least resistance." And so, when what seemed like the best answer to me didn't pan out, it was really no surprise. I have to believe and trust and obey when, as you so aptly put it "moving forward and going where He says is terrifying and makes no sense."
Trust me, your love and prayers are tangible. Having friends walk alongside me is huge. Thank you for being there PSF.
OH, Toni! This is just precious. Some of our worst fears recently have come to fruition. Just this morning I was thinking about strength, trust and this season. I want to read this a second time, because I need these words today...though our current path is dark, I will fear no evil, I will trust in the darkness because He is near and in Him there is no darkness. Glad that you are feeling better. I know those illnesses well, and remember the physical exhaustion. God bless you, my friend and thanks for letting God teach and use you right where you are. In His Grace, Dawn
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you're going through something difficult Dawn. A friend recently reminded me of Ps 139:11 & 12 - I think they go well with what you've said: "If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,' even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you'". Thank you for your encouraging words. I am so glad this spoke to you and I will be praying for you!!
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