Divine Telephone Tag

I retrieved a pretty typical message from a caller who wanted a food pantry appointment.

I called back, got her voicemail, and left a message to return my call.

Tag was officially in play when she called back the next day and spoke to a volunteer who didn't have the schedule. Once again, I received her message.


It was another day before I could connect with her.

"Hello?" Her voice cracked a bit and I thought maybe she had a cold.

"Hey, we finally connected! When did you want to come in?"

She gave me a date, but her voice sounded awful.

"Are you sick?"

"No, I'm just having a moment."

Suddenly I felt bad I hadn't ask how she felt sooner - I could tell something was wrong from the first word she had spoken.

"What's going on?"

She broke down crying as she shared her concerns over her two year old daughter's verbal development.

"I can't afford to send her to day care but I'm afraid I'm holding her back by keeping her home. I guess it's my fault she's not reaching the full potential for her age." She went on in this vein, beating herself up, questioning her parenting ability.

"Let me stop you right there. Conviction is from the Holy Spirit, but condemnation is a lie from the pit of hell. Stop listening to lies. You are a loving parent doing what feel is best for your child. You are training her up in the way she should go, telling her about Jesus. If you feel God's nudge to have her checked out to make sure she's progressing appropriately, go ahead. But do NOT blame yourself if you discover there really are issues to be addressed."

She explained that she had older children - the youngest of whom was already 15. She had her tubes tied, but a number of years later, she discovered she was pregnant. She had made arrangements for an abortion, but the day she was to go, she received a text that said "This is an anointed child - a gift from God. Who are you to end it's life?"

It was a harsh question, but she knew it was true. She cancelled the appointment. Perhaps guilt over her earlier plans for this child was spilling over now, making her question her ability to parent at this age and in this way.

"Can I pray for you?"

"Please, I would appreciate that."

I prayed, she wept. But when we were done, she thanked me and said she felt better. I made some suggestions on where she might go to get help with evaluating her daughter.

"You know, I think God caused that phone tag so I would call you today, at this moment, when you needed reassurance."

"I was just thinking the same thing."

From there, she shared how she hadn't been to church in awhile because of her child's separation anxiety, but she had been thinking she might be able to return by serving with the children's ministry.

I encouraged her to do so and told her the upcoming sermon series would have a component about serving where you're gifted and feel called to be.

God was already orchestrating things through her "moment" of doubt, fears and tears.

And what I thought was a game of phone tag over an every day request turned out to be a divine appointment.

God speaks every day in a million different ways if we'll only be open to hear what He's saying.

Best of all, He is always on time to answer our call.

Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

Are You "App-athetic?"

"I'm going down the shore later today."

"Isn't the water too cold?"

"I don't go to swim. I listen to the waves, breathe in the salty sea air, maybe wade a bit. I go to relax."

"They've got apps for that."

This was my conversation a few months ago with a man who was totally serious.

He couldn't imagine making the hour long drive to sit and soak in the sights and sounds we are blessed with, living near the coast. He thought his phone and an app were sufficient substitutes.

How sad!

There is no man-made app that can capture the grainy feel of wet sand squishing between your toes.

Or convey the power of waves that crash with a roaring boom yet dissipate into tiny, delicate bubbles that look like lace on the tips of watery fingers reaching toward the shoreline.




Can an app fill your senses with the immensity and beauty of the horizon, stretched out under the expanse of sky, decorated with white, puffy clouds, or adorned with the pinks, reds, and purples of sunrises and sunsets?

And what of the treasures to be found dotting the beaches?

An app doesn't let you look for the perfect color and shape shell to add to your collection, or snap a picture of something that catches your eye but needs to stay right where it is on the beach.

You might be able to hear canned whistles and clicks of dolphins, but wouldn't you rather hear them as they break the surface of the water in a fast swimming pack, delighting all who catch a glimpse?

And instead of playing app games, entertaining yourself watching the silly little sandpipers run down toward the water, then scurry up the beach as they hunt for sand crabs helps you realize that endless running back and forth doesn't have to be you today. You can rest.

I don't want to settle for something man-made when I can experience the fullness of something God-made.

Man-made things are a mere shadow of, a poor replacement for, something divine.

An app will let me hear, and perhaps see, a tiny portion of what there is to be seen and heard. But when I go directly to the source, I can immerse myself and my senses in the here and now of His creation.

Jesus said "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

He wants us to live for Him, all senses engaged. Our heart prepared to receive the blessings that abound when we are completely open to all He has for us.

My friend, what are you settling for today? What unfulfilling thing is serving as a poor substitute for the richness God has for you? 

Don't be "app-athetic." 

License, Registration, and Insurance Card Please

I rounded the corner and approached the crosswalk at the posted 35 m.p.h. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement.

The woman, dressed in jean shorts and a pink top, had just stepped into the roadway.

I tapped my brakes and in a split-second, assessed the situation:

• I was too close to the crosswalk to stop fully in front of it.
• A glance in my rear view mirror revealed a car behind me so close that hitting my brakes harder would cause it to hit me from behind.
• The pedestrian was not quite halfway through the opposing lane of traffic.

I decided it was safest for all involved to proceed forward.

Once past the walkway, I again checked the rear view mirror and was surprised to see the other car also go through it. It was especially concerning since at this point the woman had approached the halfway point and did a stutter step to slow down and not walk into the car.

I threw on my blinker and turned the corner, continuing on to my destination.

One last glance in the mirror and my worst fears were realized. Apparently I had taken in everything in that split second except the police car that just flipped on its lights to pull me over.

My heart sank.

"License, registration and insurance card please."

"Can I ask what I did?"

"You went through the crosswalk with the pedestrian in it."

"I saw her, and I even tapped my brakes, but there was a car behind me. Can I ask why you didn't pull them over?" I was on the verge of tears, but trying to politely defend my actions.

"We've had lots of complaints about this very thing in this same area. I was there specifically looking for cars driving through the crosswalk. I felt you had the better field of vision."

He walked back to his car.

A million thoughts went through my mind. "It's not fair" was chief among them.

I threw up a prayer. "Please God, let him come back with a warning and not a ticket."

He came back with a ticket.

"If you feel you want to argue the ticket, just call and make a court date."

As he walked away, my eyes fell on the cost of the fine.

$230!

I started to weep. To put it mildly, I've endured a lot the past few months. My calendar for the entirety of July is filled with more doctor visits that equal more co-pays. About $230 dollars worth in the next eight days. I was angry, frustrated, and overwhelmed at the thought of this large financial burden being added to my plate.

It took me a good five minutes to calm down enough to get back on the road. By the time I looked up, the officer was long gone.

I thought about what I might say to the judge quite a bit over the next few days. I told the story to a friend and ended with "but I keep coming to the same conclusion. If the judge asks me two questions: Was there a pedestrian in the crosswalk?  and Did you drive through the crosswalk? I can only answer "yes" to both. Regardless of the pedestrian's decision to enter the roadway with an oncoming car, by the letter of the law I was guilty and the judge would most likely refuse to listen further.

A week before the ticket was due, I called the court to see if there were points attached. I assumed there were since it was a moving violation.

I thought about trying to make a deal with the prosecutor for a downgraded charge with no points. While they are often open to that type of deal, it always comes with a steep price tag and the current $230 was already more than I could afford.

"We don't assess points in court. You'll have to call the MVC." The clerk gave me the number.

As I held for many minutes, I flipped the ticket over to reveal a website address. The ticket instructed the recipient to visit the website for more information. Thinking the points might be posted there, I put the call on speaker and typed in the URL to check it out.

I plugged in the ticket number, the court number and my plate number. Then I saw something strange.

"Fee: $0. Ticket addressed 7/5/18."

What? Did someone pay my ticket? No one but my friend was aware I'd gotten one and I knew she didn't do it. I hadn't told her the story until July 6th.

Even as I dialed the number for the court again, I thought "are you crazy? If it's a clerical error and you're getting away with something, you're going to alert them to the mistake!"

I informed the woman on the other end about what I'd seen. "Hold on, I'll check on it."

It felt like an eternity, and all the while I was kicking myself for being too honest.

"That's correct. You owe nothing. The officer said he gave the ticket to the wrong person. Was there someone else in the car with you?"

"Nobody but Jesus" I thought...but I said, "no, he probably meant he should have given it to the car behind me." I explained the whole story. "I'm really a good driver" I said a little weakly.

She laughed and said, "Well, the ticket is rescinded. The officer actually did it the next day, but the 5th was the first day we've had court since then."

It was the last outcome I would have expected.

Just like salvation.

By the letter of the law, we are guilty. We can try to compare our sins to the person behind us and think "I'm not as bad as they are!" but we all fall short of God's glory and deserve to pay the penalty.

We can try to blame our circumstances on the actions of others, but we are responsible for our own actions.

We can even try to justify ourselves with "I'm really a good person." But we can never be perfect 100% of the time.

When we finally come to grips with the fact that there is nothing we can do to escape the penalty for those sins, God hears our tears of repentance and exercises His mercy when we look to Him.

He rescinds our ticket to hell and grants us admission to heaven. We need only believe that Jesus is His son who died to take on our guilt and act as sacrifice for our sins. It's immediate, even though we won't see the final result until the day of "court."

It's the last outcome we expect - or deserve.

I'm not sure why that officer did the unheard of that day, but I am grateful for the mercy extended to me.

I don't know why Jesus would have endured all He did to save me from eternal death, but I am grateful for the love and mercy that led Him to die in my place so that the Book of Life reads

"Fee: $0."

Karma's Watching?

Karma. We generally hear the term used when someone has done something or someone wrong.

The hope expressed is that karma will come along to pay the offender back.

Supposedly it works the other way around too, but we rarely seem to wish good on another - we want revenge and if karma's willing to take that on, we'll stand on the sidelines and cheer it on.

So I thought it particularly odd to see this sign in the waiting room of a diagnostic imaging center as I waited for a medical test.

It was actually the same center where I was told this January to see a breast surgeon for a biopsy of something they saw that was most likely cancer. (It was and I blogged about it here.)

The sign made me angry. The insinuation was totally negative.

What did Karma see in my life that would cause me to get cancer?

Not once, but twice in two years?

Was it my full-time position pouring into people's lives when they are vulnerable and in need?

Perhaps it was my volunteer work with the same population.

No. No, it must be all the time I've spent the past year trying to help my brother get his mental illness diagnosed and get him the services he needs.

And if all those things were good, why didn't this "tit for tat" karma thing see to it I didn't get cancer?

"I saw that."

What a terrible, accusatory thought to put in someone's mind.

My heart breaks for those who might read that sign and believe they are at fault for their illness.

Lest you think all this talk of karma means I believe in it, fear not.

I'm still the same Jesus believing daughter of the King I've been for many years. And I'm so glad I know the Truth.

My cancer is not my fault, but my cancer may be used to bring about good.

Right now, I'm reading a book written by a friend of mine, James Watkins. It's called The Psalms of Asaph: Struggling With Unanswered Prayer, Unfulfilled Promises and Unpunished Evil. In it, he tells the story of a young woman who, when she learned of her cancer diagnosis, prayed that her family would come to Christ through the journey. She didn't survive, but family members will now live for eternity, able to see her again because they came to believe in God through her faith.

Would she have chosen this life over eternal life for her family? No. Would she have chosen that method for them to come to Christ? Probably not. Did judgmental people sit back and wonder what secret sin she had committed that God "saw" and punished her for? Possibly.

That's the kind of reaction Job's "friends" had. They gave him an earful on how to repent from what he must have done to deserve all the terrible things that befell him.

They didn't use the term karma. Worse, they attributed all his misfortune to God - as a result of something Job MUST have done wrong.

The truth is, we live in a fallen world. Bad things happen to good people. God can redeem those bad things.

John 16:33 comforts us with "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Sometimes, it's not about illness and disease. Sometimes it's about the very real pain people have caused you. Is it wrong to wish a quid pro quo on them?

Matthew 5:44-45 says "But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.

The New Testament is filled with scriptures: Romans 12:17-18,  I Thessalonians 5:15, I Peter 3:9 and others that basically tell us not to repay evil for evil as "karma" would, but rather evil with good because that is what sets us apart as Christians.

We can't control the actions of others, but we CAN monitor our reaction.

And when it comes to disease? Well, sometimes, cancer just happens.

I don't have the BRCA gene. I don't smoke and if I have a drink once a year, it's a lot. Yet I know a number of people who smoke like a chimney and haven't been diagnosed with the disease.

Karma, if she existed, would have her scoreboard all wrong. She really doesn't see a thing. So...

Don't repay evil for evil - or wish that someone else would do the job for you.

Don't take on guilt that isn't yours to bear because sometimes, bad things really do happen to good people.

Love God, do good to others, let go of anger, don't judge.

And remember...when others are guilty, we cry for justice. When we are guilty, we beg for mercy. "Karma" doesn't extend mercy. Only God does - and He truly does see everything.

Hand in Hand

Curiosity and wonder have captivated her inquisitive mind and she toddles off, wanting to explore.

While she is blissfully unaware of anything beyond her field of vision, I see the potential dangers.

"Give me your hand sweetheart."

Sometimes, she'll turn around with a big grin and willingly slip her tiny hand in mine. I praise her wise decision. "Thank you, honey, you're a good girl to walk with Grandma."

Other times she looks me straight in the eye as she pulls her hand close to her chest and very clearly and defiantly says "no!"

I don't lose my patience. I know she is learning and at the ripe old age of two, testing boundaries.

But I repeat myself a little firmer, knowing what is best for her. "Give me your hand sweetie." I hold out my hand to encourage the right decision on her part.

I don't love her more or less based on her reply. 

I don't think I could possibly love this little girl any more than I already do and I can't imagine ever loving her less than with every fiber of my being.

Eventually, as she matures and our relationship grows I hope she will come to trust me more, believing my request is in her best interest so the defiant "no's" will be fewer.

Right now, I love that she has already begun to invite me on her adventures.

"C'mon Gamma" is one of the sweetest phrases I've ever heard. 

She flashes a toothy smile and grabs my hand or beckons me forward by opening her hand wide, clenching it closed and opening it again.

I am smitten.

My friends, our walk with God is so very similar. The world around us entices us, and sometimes we are tempted to wander off.

"Give me your hand" we hear the Father say.

If we are wise, we turn back toward Him and grasp His hand.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:9-10

But sometimes, we are stubborn and defiant. Even though we know He leads us in the way of life, we pull back our hand and assert ourselves loud and foolishly proud.

"No!" we declare.

Even when we reject Him, He loves us still - He couldn't love us any more than He already does - and rather than losing patience, He tells us His mercies are new each morning.

But He also lovingly and firmly repeats Himself.

"Give me your hand."

His thoughts are higher than ours and His ways are higher too. He sees far beyond our limited field of vision and seeks to spare us from dangerous circumstances.

"For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right and and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

He longs for us to invite Him along into our day. It gives Him pleasure to commune with us.

As our relationship with the Father matures and grows, we learn to trust Him more. We know He desires only the best for us, and our "no's" become less frequent.

As you face this day and all it holds, don't be tempted to strike out on your own.

Slip your hand into His and never let go.

How Much Can You Handle?

We've all heard it said "God won't give you more than you can handle."

Someone may have even shared that sentiment with you during a difficult time.


They meant to encourage you, I'm sure.

God won't give you more than you can handle?

But what about when...

a loved one dies?

you lose all your worldly possessions to a natural disaster?

the doctor says "it's terminal."

When your world is crashing in and your heart feels like it will explode, does it really help to think, "well, at least God knew I could handle it or I wouldn't be going through this?"

If you unpack what's being said, it's not at all comforting and I don't really think it's accurate.

As my friend Pam said "If God never gives us more than we can handle, why would we need His Presence and His help? Our faith, like muscles never given a workout, would become atrophied."

But it's not just the "more than we can handle" part that I take issue with.

Do you believe a loving and gracious God sits on His throne deciding which hardship to bestow on us, only to watch us struggle under its weight?

That's not the God I know.

When these Job-sized trials - or any problem for that matter - hit, trying to handle them under our own power is futile. And unbiblical.

Proverbs 3:5 tells us to "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

And Psalm 55:22 instructs "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous be shaken."

But I would also argue those trials aren't delivered directly from the hand of God. He hasn't "given" us the difficulties.

We live in an imperfect, fallen world. We may belong to God but that doesn't stop the father of lies from trying his best to trip us up, make us miserable, and get us to take our eyes off the One can get us through the storm.

John 16:33 reminds us "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

That's why I so appreciate the perspective twist in the pictured quote.

God helps us handle what we've been given.

It's not our own gritted teeth, pull ourselves up by the boot straps, inner strength and dogged determination that allows us to handle the difficult times with inexplicable peace.

It is God being true to His promise to never leave or forsake us, to walk with us each step of the way. Psalm 46:1-3 puts it this way "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging."

As I return to work after a 3 month absence due to a breast cancer diagnosis, I can tell you that if I believed for an instant that God gave me cancer because He knew I could handle it, I'd be rethinking our relationship.

With the same amount of certainty, I can assure you that the only way I was able to get through hearing the diagnosis, go through the litany of tests, an outpatient and inpatient surgery and weeks of grueling recovery is because He was there beside me, offering a refuge to run to when the fears threatened to overtake me and the tears wouldn't stop; when the pain was crushing and sleep wouldn't come; when I saw the scars for the first time and my patience was severely tested by a drain that was with me 6 weeks longer than the "norm."

His grace and mercy, love and peace were what made handling it all possible.

So my friend, the next time a hardship comes your way, remember that God isn't standing by at a distance watching to see if you can handle it, He's in the midst of it all, waiting for your to put your faith and trust in Him so He can help you through it.

If You Died Tomorrow...

As a group of us sat around soaking up rays on the beach, the conversation suddenly turned heavy.

"Do you believe there's an afterlife?"

I'm not sure who posed the question, but one woman shared she didn't think her belief system thought there was.

The first thing that struck me about her statement was that she wasn't owning an opinion. Her belief system didn't think there was a heaven or hell. No mention of her personal feelings or convictions. And no real understanding of her "faith." I would think where a belief system comes down on afterlife would be a pretty big deal. Like the crux of why you chose to believe the way they do.

Perhaps she was afraid to engage the thought. Like me, she has breast cancer. But hers was far more advanced, and she had made a comment earlier that if all she read was to be believed, she only had about 2 1/2 years to live.

Often times it seems when a person gets a potentially deadly disease such as cancer, the human default is to look at how much time remains...as if a "healthy" life is given some sort of guarantee.

The truth is we're all dying a little each day, and no one knows how or when their end will come. Forget the natural aging process, we need only turn on the television to see the daily dangers of this world that befall young and old alike.

I don't mean to sound morbid or depressing, but as the saying goes, there are only two sure things in this life - death and taxes.

Another woman spoke up. "Well, we (she mentioned her denomination) believe that there is an afterlife and our soul...or is it our spirit?...might go on to heaven, but we don't really know for sure how that happens."

With that, the first woman's phone rang and she queried the person on the other end about the afterlife question.

"My friend says 'it's too complicated for her to explain.'"

Now she was on a mission. She decided to text the wife of her religious leader. Unfortunately, his wife was also unable to give her an answer.

My heart was breaking for this woman who was dealing with death daily but had no hope of anything more than the grave. I spoke up. "I do believe there's life after this one, and" I looked toward the other woman, "I do think we can have certainty about it."

"The thief on the cross was told by Christ 'Today you will be with me in paradise.' Christ is clearly stating that after death there is a place we can go that is akin to paradise and that going there is immediate."

I pressed on "and it's not complicated either. God told us that all we had to do was believe that Jesus Christ was the Son of God and that He died to save us from our sins. Accept the free gift of salvation and get into heaven. The minute you pass from this life."

The last thing I did was recount a conversation I had with a friend years earlier. She was Jewish by birth, but practiced Buddhism. She had made the comment that our beliefs - my Christianity and her Buddhism - were pretty much alike because we both believed in good deeds and loving people. I knew there was more to Christianity, but I didn't know much about her beliefs, so I asked her to enlighten me.

She explained that she believed people were born perfect, messed up along the way, then spent the rest of their time through reincarnation trying to get back to that perfection. With that explanation, I now had the ability to formulate a better answer to her earlier statement.

"Yes, we love people and believe in doing good deeds, but our beliefs aren't the same. I believe that people aren't born perfect, they are born flawed because of sin. There is only one way to rectify that - by accepting that Christ is perfect and died as a sacrifice for my sins. When I believe that, I don't have to spend the rest of my life trying to do things to earn perfection. Salvation is a free gift, and I'd much rather get it free and know I'm going to heaven then spend eternity hoping that I do just the right thing to earn a spot in Nirvana."

The ladies nodded seeming to understand the explanation, but then things got quiet and the subject was changed to where to have dinner that evening. Jesus will make people uncomfortable. In 1 Peter 2:7 Peter describes Christ as the stone the builders rejected that has become the cornerstone. He goes on in verse 8 to say "and, 'A stone that causes people to stumble and a rock that makes them fall.' They stumble because they disobey the message - which is also what they were destined for."

One thing I didn't mention was that just as sure as there's a heaven, there's a hell. The Bible talks of a lake of fire, a place of weeping and gnashing of teeth, ever lasting destruction shut off from the presence of the Lord.

The group didn't revisit the discussion again, but I hope what I said planted a seed of discontent for the non-answers the one woman was receiving from her belief system and teachers. And I hope it gave the woman without certainty of what happens to gain entrance to heaven, a place to begin asking questions.

As I said, none of us know the hour or day our life will end, but we can know beyond the shadow of a doubt where we will be the moment it happens. I can't imagine not living with that surety, especially in light of a life-threatening disease.

It would have been easy to sit silently and listen to the conversation around me. To not "rock the boat," or risk the political incorrectness of challenging someone's beliefs, especially people I barely knew.

But I couldn't hold back information that could save a life even if I only had time to plant the seed. I pray for these women and that God would use others who cross their path to water and harvest.

If you have a personal relationship with Christ, are you letting others in on the Good News? People are dying - literally and figuratively - not having what you have.

And if you don't yet know Jesus personally, there is no better time than right now to accept Him as your Savior and Lord so you can share in the certainty of an eternal life in heaven.

Don't know how? Romans 10:9-10 explains it simply: "If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in  your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved."

Life is too hard and too short not to have hope of more...and better.

Draining My Patience

If there's a Christian "inside joke," it's that you never pray for patience.

You don't ask for the "p" word because the only way to gain it is to be put in situations where you're challenged to learn it!

It's a discipline, and no one ever learned a healthy habit without putting it into practice over and over.

Romans 5:3-4 puts it this way "And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience and experience, hope:" (KJV).

Those same verses in the NIV read "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."

Now, I don't know about you, but whether they're called tribulations or sufferings, I tend not to "glory" in them.

In fact, quite the opposite.

I've often said "okay God, take away this trial. I've learned all about patience, so hurry up and move on to the next lesson!"

All kidding aside, the Bible mentions patience often as an attribute we should strive to attain.

Proverbs 14:29 reminds us "Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly."

Patience is also one of the ways we are identified as God's children. Colossians 3:12 says "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

So why all this talk of patience today? Because mine is being tested. 

Or more appropriately, as the title suggests, drained.

If you've followed this blog at all over the past 2 months, you know I had major surgery April 2nd. Miraculous surgery actually. A number of medical professionals came in to view the end result curious because they'd never seen it before.

I agreed that I would find it fascinating too if it were only someone else.

Well, that's not entirely true.

It really is fascinating and I'm a walking testament to God's handiwork in the human body.

At the same time my breast surgeon was performing a double mastectomy, my plastic surgeon was removing tissue from my lower abdomen to use in the breast reconstruction. Because it's a long, complex surgery - 8 hours on average although mine was 9 1/2 due to the discovery of a second vascular system on one side - not many doctors and hospitals perform it.

There are many upsides with the DIEP flap procedure - it doesn't mess with stomach muscles like similar surgeries; the breasts, made with my own tissue, will behave like a "body part" changing in size with weight gain or loss and never need to be replaced like implants; my body could have more easily fought off infection if it had been necessary with no threat of having to remove a foreign body; and since the tissue was taken from the abdomen, a tummy tuck was the silver lining in the grey cloud of a cancer diagnosis.

Truly, God gifted whoever conceived of such an intricate surgery with all the cutting and reattaching of blood vessels and tissue, as well as those skilled enough to perform it.

But back to patience.

At the conclusion of this surgery, 6 drains were inserted into my body to remove excess fluids that if left inside could lead to infection. Two were removed after a week, another two after the second week, and one after the third week.

I was a little bummed that both hip drains weren't removed that third week, but I had every reason to assume the last would come out the following visit.

Except it didn't.

Nor the week after that, or the week after that.

I am 7 weeks post surgery and I'm still "tethered" as I've come to call it.

And my patience is draining along with everything else.

It's uncomfortable. The pinch can stop me dead in my tracks if I move the wrong way or tug at it by mistake.

Advance planning is necessary in order to use the bathroom or to take a shower.

And "sleeping," aka catnaps/dozing continues on my back because I have to favor that side.

I'm literally and figuratively tired. Tired of the inconvenience, tired of the annoyance and occasional pain, just. plain. TIRED!

My emotions have swung from disappointment to depression to resignation.

I know it's what's best for my health. I know it's removing stuff that has potential for infection.

So why is it so hard to be patient?

Let me stop right here for a second to say I wrote all this on Monday, but then something else happened.

Monday evening, quite by accident, I somehow tugged on that tube a little too hard. By the following morning I knew a trip to the doctor was in order and I called the emergency number. They told me to come in right away.

Suddenly, all I wanted was for that tube to stay in. To do its job. I was concerned about what a premature removal might mean to my health.

Please God, let them be able to do what needs to be done to leave it there!

Funny how one small incident can change our perspective.

I read something today that said "Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting."

I was given a situation in which to learn patience and I was blowing the attitude big time. I had prayed for it to be gone, but God said "not yet" and that wasn't good enough for me. And so He changed the circumstances to work on my character building a little more.

My friend, your patience-draining situation probably looks very different from mine, but it's still a trial and attitude is everything. I wish I could say learning patience is a lesson you don't have to relearn, but too often we have short memories and need a refresher.

May God grant each of us the ability to live out Romans 12:12 each day. "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

Known by the Lamb

This little fluffy guy was a gift from a friend during my recent hospitalization.

Immediately after my surgery, I went to ICU and it was during that early part of my stay the lamb was given to me.

Everyone who came into the room was drawn to him and wanted to check him out, including the wonderful nurses who tended to me during my three days in the unit.

Naturally, when I made the move from ICU to the post-surgical 4th floor, the lamb came along. He had a place of honor on the windowsill and his precious smile brought me joy.

One friend who came several days to sit and keep me company had a bit of trouble keeping track of which room was mine.

I had a green "latex allergy" sign on my door, but so did the patient in the next room, which created the confusion. Then she realized if she looked for the lamb sitting on my windowsill, she was assured of entering the correct room.

Six days later, on my last day in the hospital, one of the ICU nurses was working on my floor. She came into the room to say 'hi.'

"I wasn't sure it was you, but then I saw the lamb and I knew it was!"

My friends, did you catch that? I was known by the lamb.

And that started me thinking...am I known by THE Lamb?

Do I live my life in such a way that others are drawn to Him?

Does association with Him set me apart?

Does He have a place of honor on the windowsill of my heart and soul?

My challenge to each of us today is to act in such a way that those who don't have a personal relationship with Christ can see the Lamb in and through us and desire to get to know Him.

The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, "Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!" John 1:29 (NLT)

A Simple Act of Kindness

I slowly exited the bathroom and gingerly made my way to the hospital bed.

A tech walking by my room poked her head inside and asked if I needed any help.

My eyes welled up and the tears spilled over.

"Now I can't finish out my shift knowing one of my patients is upset! What's wrong honey?"

Five days earlier I had been through an assault on my person the likes of which I could never have imagined. Because of God's grace, I was able to experience that part of the journey with Inexplicable Peace.

But although I had endured a nine and a half hour surgery, although I now sported scars across my chest and hips, although I had six drains coming out of my body, although I still didn't know exactly what the cancer diagnosis held, I had not cried.

"I'm filthy" I responded. "It's been five days and my body and my hair haven't seen a drop of water. My gown has not been changed. I just can't stand myself and I can't help myself either."

"No need to cry sweetie. I'll be right back."

It seemed like a silly thing to be upset about given all I'd undergone, but I was exhausted and having seen myself in the bathroom mirror caused all the emotions to bubble over.

My angel of mercy was named Mary and she returned with two tubs of water - one soapy, one clear - and a pile of wash cloths.

She dunked one of the cloths in the clear water and handed it to me.

"Why don't you clean your face and neck and I'll help you with the rest."

She helped me remove the hospital gown and spent the next twenty minutes washing my arms, back and legs taking great care not to get close to all the scars and drains.

Mary gave me one last cloth and asked if I wanted a minute alone to clean my "private areas."

I laughed.

Over the past five days dozens of people had seen more of me than I ever thought I would expose to strangers.

I responded "there's not much private anymore."

Truly nothing was private. For days an endless barrage of doctors, nurses, techs, interns, and PAs had filtered through my room, moving aside my gown to draw blood, take vitals, Doppler my incisions to ensure blood flow, empty drains, and examine surgical sites.

Since the type of reconstruction I had was a fairly new procedure, there were many comments made as "viewers" wondered aloud at how fascinating it all was, forgetting I was there, the recipient of the medical marvel.

It was a humbling experience on many levels.

But this sweet woman had seen past all that and dealt first with my emotional need as she helped with the physical one.

I know sponge baths were part of what she did each day, but she never made me feel I was just a job duty. I was a hurting person who needed comforting.

The last thing she did was help me don a clean gown. What a difference!

I tear up just writing about this simple act of kindness that left me feeling better about myself and gave me strength to face a new day of assaults on my privacy.

Do you feel "filthy"? Has life beaten you up and left you feeling scarred? Does it seem that everyone is talking about you but no one is relating to you?

Express it to God. He sees the need and wants to help you if you'll let Him. He'll painstakingly wash away the dirt, tend to your wounds, and show you how much He cares. He will drape you in clean garments and give you strength to face the day because His mercies are new each morning.

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live. Psalm 116:1-2

Inexplicable Peace

There was no reason to feel at peace.

I was about to undergo a complicated eight hour cancer surgery.

I have multiple medication allergies and needed to take an antibiotic intravenously during the procedure.

Because of my allergies, the surgeon was unable to perform a CT scan of the area he would be reconstructing which meant he was going in "blind," unable to map out his strategy in advance.

My past experience with anesthesia wasn't pleasant - nausea and a longer than normal recovery time. And I had never been under for this length of time.

No, there was no reason to feel at peace and every reason to hold on to anxiety.

Just look at that long green line. That was my surgery compared to all the others that would be performed that day.

But despite the overwhelming potential for fear that human nature would dictate as totally understandable, there was peace. 

A supernatural, all-encompassing peace that passed understanding.

Normally a champion worrier, on Monday, April 2nd at 5:30 a.m., I rolled up to the hospital uncharacteristically fearless.

I felt the prayers of scores of people from all over the country being lifted on my behalf. I knew I was on the prayer list of at least half a dozen churches, as well as family, friends, and friends of friends. So many assuring me they were praying and encouraging others to pray as well.

In the prep room, I opened my Bible for one last word of encouragement. My eyes fell on Psalm 121.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip, He who watches over you will not slumber, indeed He who watches over Israel neither slumbers nor sleeps. The Lord watches over you, the Lord is your shade at your right hand, the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm-he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

Moments later, the room was filled with a stream of doctors, nurses, anesthesiologists, and technicians each introducing themselves and sharing what roll they would play.

It took a few tries, but the intravenous port was put in and the gurney was rolled toward the operating room.

From that point on, I remember very little. A few seconds of staring at the ceiling and the next thing I knew, someone was calling my name asking if I was awake.

I vaguely remember the voice telling me I had a button in my hand I could push if I needed more pain medication. I recall expressing concern that in my stupor I would push too often and overdose.

They assured me that wasn't possible and encouraged me to take as much as I needed.

One of the nurses informed my sister and daughter that she would be working in ICU all week. I piped up with an old comedy comeback, "try the veal."

My joke-cracking put my family more at ease. They kissed me goodnight and headed home to get some rest.

It was 10:30 pm.

I learned later that the eight hour surgery had actually taken nine and a half. The reconstruction effort had hit an enigma.

The last thing the plastic surgeon had said to me was that because he was going in without the benefit of the CT scan, if he encountered something complex, he might not be able to do the reconstruction as we had discussed.

We are all fearfully and wonderfully made, but apparently I am a little more unique than most. 

The snag hit was the discovery of a second vascular system on my left side. It took the surgeon the extra time to follow the veins and "untangle" them.

I also learned that a portion of rib needed removal in order to reattach all the veins.

None of this surprised the Great Physician, and He graced my surgeon with the knowledge and talent needed to understand how to work through the difficulty.

All of this occurred while I rested in perfect peace.

If anyone told me even at the end of last year what the past four months would look like and how I would handle them, I would have said they were crazy.

My biggest fear for a long time has been surgery of any type because of my many allergies. Now I have come through a HUGE surgery with multiple surgical sites and not only survived it, but got through it carried in peace every step of the way.

I have received dozens of cards in my recovery, but today I received one where the sentiment seemed particularly perfect as I write this post. It was written by Roy Lessin, author and co-founder of DaySpring cards.

"When we are going through tough times in our lives, Jesus doesn't stand on the outside of our difficulties. He is in the midst of each thing we walk through in life. He is there to speak peace to us, to calm the storm, to assure us of victory, and to walk with us into a new day."

My friend, I don't know what you're facing today, but I know God's inexplicable peace is possible no matter what. I've experienced it first hand.

But I also know we need to seek His peace daily because things of this world come against us relentlessly, trying to shake our faith and the peace that comes with it. I've experienced that first-hand as well.

Trust Him to be there for you through it all.

Isaiah 26:3 "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you."

Picture Credit: Nathan Greene - Chief of the Medical Staff

Happy Tears - A Week of Ups and Downs

Monday promised warmer temps and a glimpse of the sun.

Since much of the past 2 weeks have been spent inside doctor offices, a friend and I made plans to head to Belmar and walk the boardwalk to "God's Square Mile on the Jersey Shore," also known as Ocean Grove.

When I realized it was 2.2 miles in each direction, I suggested perhaps we park closer.

My friend polietely said "no."

So off we headed while I internally fretted a bit about the chilly winds and the fact that I was heading out on a 4 1/2 mile round trip walk after weeks - okay, maybe more like months - of virtual couch potato-ness punctuated by the occasional shoveling session for what seemed to be our weekly encounter with a Nor'easter in the Garden State.

I didn't want to overdo things 2 days before my first surgery to remove "sentinel lymph nodes" to check on any spread of the cancer.

We walked for what seemed like an eternity and considered giving up our quest when we bumped into a couple who told us it was another 10 minutes away. We kept walking.

We arrived at our intended destination with a few minutes to spare before their 2 pm closing time.

A delicious lunch, two cups of tea and a slice of double chocolate mousse cake warmed me up and gave me the energy to head back!!

We enjoyed a warmer, less windy return trip, stopping on occasion to snap a few pictures.

 I slept well that night.

Tuesday I headed back to the hospital for a nuclear dye injection.

Now, because I'm allergic to so many things, my first question always is "what's in this?" before anyone gives me anything.

The response from the technician was "you should be fine as long as you're not allergic to sulfa."

Well, guess what. I am. And I have detailed that a million times on the litany of forms I've filled out for the hospital and every doctor in the place over the past 2 months.

Tears started welling up because I was frustrated and a little scared. I could have taken Benedryl or something else to prepare for this, but now, here I was, in the position of having to make a decision on whether or not to move forward with this very important test.

The alternatives weren't much better - one drug would turn me blue..."you'll look a little like a smurf for a few days"... and the other had a 3% chance of anaphylaxis.

"Jesus, you knew this would happen. This is not a surprise to you! Help me."

The doctor reentered the room voicing doubt that my earlier reaction was to sulfa. He believed it was another ingredient in the pills I had taken.

I hesitantly agreed to the injection.

The test finished, I began to notice my tongue felt as if I had scalded it on a hot drink. That lasted for the entire day. Although my surgeon said she'd never heard of such a thing before, I'm kind of the poster child for weird diseases and reactions.

I didn't sleep well that night.

4:30 a.m. came as early as it sounds and I got ready for the trip to the hospital. Although I thought I was calm on the outside, my subconscious was messing with my stomach.

My sister dropped me at the door and went to park. I pulled out my Bible, and opened it up to the Psalms where my eyes fell on 138:3 "When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted." I read the rest of the passage which ends with "The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, oh Lord, endures forever-do not abandon the works of your hand." I felt God's presence and was ready for the next step.

I registered and my sister and I chit-chatted until the nurse came to take me back to the prep room. On the way, she shared that she too had breast cancer but was a 7 year survivor. It's a story I've heard far too many times since my diagnosis. So many women have walked this path before me! Too many.

I had been concerned about anesthesia because after my last operation more than 30 years ago it took longer than normal to come out of it and I woke up nauseous. So when the anesthesiologist walked in, I said "you're the one I'm concerned about."

"Me? Why?"

I explained my fears, but he went over all my allergies and addressed my concerns. When he left, the nurse said "He's the best...he was my anesthesiologist. You know if the nurses use him for their own surgeries, he's a good one."

Again, peace.

I remember being moved from gurney to operating table and not much more. As my eyes fluttered and I began to emerge from unconsciousness, a nurse asked how I was feeling.

"Tired." I drifted off again as I heard her say, "that's okay, rest."

The doctor came in and told my sister that the nuclear material from the day before had somewhat worn off and so she was only able to remove one node instead of the intended two, but it would be okay.

Eventually, I wakened and steadied and was able to leave.

I went home and slept some more, but all the early dozing and the soreness of the area under my arm made for a rough night.

In my previous post, I stated that I was praying for a Good Friday. A good report. When I woke from a nap this afternoon, I was surprised that I had slept through half a dozen phone calls, one of which was from the surgeon.

She had gotten the pathology report back a day early. The lymph node was clear. It will indeed be a Good Friday!

"Thank you Jesus. Praise you Lord!" I sobbed the words out loud, tears of joy running down my face.

It's the first good news I've had since January 22nd.

I still have a long road ahead. The bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction scheduled for Monday looms large, but I am bold and stouthearted. I know God has heard my cries and the prayers of scores of people. Some know me well, some have heard of me, some I've never met. But each person who lifts their voice toward heaven and intercedes on my behalf is precious to me.

Thank you for joining me on this journey through your encouraging words and prayers. I pray that should you find yourself facing something similar in the future, you will know that peace is possible when you look to the Prince of Peace for strength.

Joshua 1:9: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do no be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

He's In The Waiting

The days pass quickly even as time seems to be standing still.

I hold my breath and power through a litany of preparatory tests.

My mind reels from endless conversations with doctors.

Detail upon detail.

Information overload.

I've seen pictures of what to expect. They are hard to look at, but I don't want to be shocked when I see the results of the doctor's handiwork.

I am trying to wrap my mind around eight hours of surgery too.

I haven't really allowed myself to go beyond the operation to possible courses of treatment after the removal of this "thing" that has taken up residence in my body.

Despite all this, I feel incredibly calm most of the time. On occasion, a thought, a song, a word will cause tears to stream down my face. But mostly, even in the presence of so much uncertainty, I have peace. Truly a peace that passes understanding...there's no earthly reason for it.

Perhaps it is because I am trying hard to meditate on my one word for this year - Presence. I am doing my best to be present and full of praise in His Presence.

He is here,  even in the waiting. 

There is no room for fear in the presence of God's love and care. His Light drives out the darkness that fear dwells in.

Lord, please, let the lymph nodes be clear. That is my daily prayer. Wednesday they will remove two of them and Friday I should know the answer.

Good Friday.

Will it be good?

There was another Friday, more than 2,000 years ago when things didn't look so good on the surface.

The man who walked the earth proclaiming Himself to be the son of God, the Savior of world, hung on a cross and died.

What good could come from that?

The sky turned dark, thunder rolled, the temple curtain tore in two, and the man many had pinned their hopes on lay lifeless in a tomb.

For the followers of Christ, I'm sure it was a desperate time indeed.

God was with them in the waiting even though they didn't know it.

On the other side of the cross, I know that their despair would be short-lived. I know there was hope restored.

On the other side of my surgery date, Christ knows the answers to my desperate prayers. My hope is in Him.

On this side of that date, He is using His word and His people to bring me encouragement. Cards, emails, prayers, hugs, time spent in community with friends, buoy my faith.

Yesterday, Palm Sunday, I got a simple yet priceless gift. Two CDs of music that speak to my heart and along with them, a quote from Natalie Grant that praise precedes a miracle.

Palm Sunday was a day of praise, followed by a dark time, that preceded a miracle two millennia ago.

Now I envelop my mind in praise before  my own personal dark time through which I'm trusting for a miracle.

One of those songs of praise is Take Courage by Kristene DiMarco.

Slow down, take time
Breathe in He said
He'd reveal what's to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come.

Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting
He's in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing
He's never failing

Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on
Do not forget His great faithfulness
He'll finish all He's begun.

He's in the waiting. He is faithful. He'll reveal what's to come. Selah.

Psalm 27:13-14: I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

Where's Your GPS?

Today was a crazy day!

Last night, I ran over a random tire lying in the road. I hit it hard and was concerned there was front end damage underneath, so this morning, I drove out to the repair shop to have it looked at.

Then I headed over to the cell phone store to have my phone checked because after 8 hours of charging, it was dead. There were 2 people ahead of me and it was obvious I'd never get waited on in time to make my doctor's visit.

My doctor's visit! I remembered the form I needed him to complete, the reason for the visit, was still at home.

I dashed out the door of the cell phone store and headed home to grab the paperwork.

I arrived a few minutes early for my appointment and caught my breath. Cleared for surgery, my next stop was the hospital to pick up a letter from the surgeon which would allow me to put my gym membership on hold for a few months.

Problem was, I wasn't exactly sure how to get there from where I was. I reached for my phone and...oh yeah. It was dead. Forget GPS.

I thought I could do it relying on my memory to guide me.

I passed a road I recognized. Was it because it led to the hospital or because I took it to my daughter's house? Without GPS, I couldn't be sure.

I didn't make the left, but kept going straight.

I wound up on the main street of a small town I knew was NEAR my destination, but I wasn't exactly sure where it was in relationship to the hospital. Was it above or below? East or west of the facility?

I asked two women crossing the street. "Sorry, we're from the shore area...we don't really know our way around here."

I pulled over to ask the garbage man. "No idea."

I was sure I was close, but no one seemed to know the exact path to get there.

Then it dawned on me that there should be hospital signs along the road if I was as close as I thought I was. I prayed that God would open my eyes to see one soon to give me confidence that I was headed in the right direction.

Eventually, I ran across a road I knew and made the left I probably should have made miles before.

There!

Up ahead was the familiar white H on the blue background. I was back on track.

My friend, I would submit that our walk with God is often like my day today.

Bumps in the road can cause damage we can't even see.

Then we make things worse when we rush out on our way without GPS - God's Power Source.

Our Bible sits unopened and we are "uncharged" for the day at hand.

When decisions come regarding which road to travel, we rely on our own instincts and abilities...and miss the turn.

We ask others, rely on the world for direction, but they either don't know or get us lost even further. Being "close" isn't good enough. There's only one right path.

Then we realize we just need to pray. Pray for our eyes to be opened. Pray for divine guidance because left to our own devices, we're thoroughly lost.

When we seek God with all our heart, when we sincerely ask for guidance, He is faithful to provide it.

Where's your GPS? Have you opened it lately to charge your soul? Are your maps updated? Do you know which way to go and how to get there?

This year, my verse from God's GPS is Jeremiah 29:13: You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Seek Him. In His Word, through prayer, through the signs He has posted along life's journey. He's faithful to get you where you need to go!

Are You a Blessing Blocker?

A pastor's wife once told me how after having a baby, a friend of hers offered to help by doing the housework. The wife was used to helping others, but found it difficult to accept help. Her response was "no thank you, we'll be okay."

Her friend responded with "why are you trying to rob me of my blessing?"

She went on to explain "We're called to serve each other. God has promised to bless me as I bless others. If you don't allow me to serve you, you rob me of my blessing!"

I spend my day serving others. It's my profession but it's also my passion. I enjoy making a difference in the lives of others. Giving them hope and encouragement. Doing tangible things with the prayer that those I serve will see the love of Christ through my actions.

But when someone asks if they can help me? I'm more often than not guilty of responding like that pastor's wife.

And that's how you block a blessing for someone else!

***************************************************

Last week I shopped for a few items in preparation for my upcoming surgery. When I reached my car bags in hand, I realized I forgot the main reason I went into the store. I opened the trunk, dropped in my bags and headed back inside.

I'm a stomach sleeper and I've been concerned about turning in my sleep after surgery. I wanted to get a "husband pillow" - a high back pillow with arms like a chair. My hope is the arms will act as a barrier and keep me on my back.

Back in the store, I bumped into a mom of six who, for the past three years, has been a client of the ministry I oversee.

She smiled brightly and asked how I was doing.

"Well, you'll hear soon enough that I'm out of work for a while. I'm having surgery."

A look of concern crossed her face.

"Are you okay? What is it?" She quickly followed with "you don't have to say if you don't want to."

I mouthed "breast cancer" and immediately, her eyes welled up.

All the while, her middle child was chattering on, trying to get into things.

As she expressed her condolences on what I was dealing with, she reached into her pocket, pulled out her wallet and removed a $20 bill.

I assumed she was giving it to her eldest child to take the little ball of energy dancing around our knees elsewhere in the store to shop while we spoke.

"I want to bless you" she said as she slipped the $20 into my coat pocket.

For a split second, I stood in stunned silence, but quickly countered with "you've got to be kidding...I know your situation. I can't take it."

"I'm paying it forward. I've been so blessed. The organization that found me housing just bought me a car last week. No more taking all the kids and a baby carriage on buses. They paid six months of car insurance, the title, registration, everything. I want to pay it forward and you've been so kind to me, helping me all these years."

"That was the church...not me."

"You made it possible. Please take it."

"Don't rob me of my blessing" echoed in my mind.

We chatted a few more minutes but the little guy had stayed in one place for as long as he was able. It was time to part ways.

"Are you sure?" I asked one last time.

"Please. I want to do this for you."

It was enough to pay for the pillow.

I have been concerned about money since I first heard the diagnosis. I knew the co-pays and deductibles and out of pocket expenses would add up fast.

But God has already shown me in big and small ways that He's got this. 

I love that about God. He's always showing me that He's able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than I can ask or imagine. Lord knows I would have never imagined that person being able to bless me in that way!

I would do well to remember Proverbs 11:25 (MSG). "The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped." It's a two-way street.

My friend, if you're in a situation of need today, don't rob someone of their blessing. Accept what they offer you humbly, knowing that God sees your need and their hearts. Their actions will bless you, and He will bless them in return.

Has God used someone unexpected to bless you recently? Please share in the comment section!

Be Still: The Bucket List Bird Lesson

Just one week ago I wrote about my new cancer diagnosis in The Call You Never Want to Get.

New, because this is the second time in a year I've gotten a call that threw me for a loop.

Two different cancers, both out of left field, both "rare." Within the group of people who get these types of cancers, Sloan Kettering told me they only see 2-3 cases a year of the first kind, and the second only presents itself this way 10-15% of the time.

It gives new meaning to being unique and special. 

A meaning I could, frankly, live without - literally and figuratively.

The night the surgeon called with her recommendation, I cried, really cried, for the second time in this whole ordeal.

I kept apologizing for breaking down and all I could say beyond "I'm sorry" was "this sucks." She agreed. Cancer sucks.

The next morning, I headed into work.

I thought I was "hanging in there" and attempted to go about my day as if my world wasn't changing by the second.

It was an ill, self-advised attempt.

My uncontrollable tears led my boss to ask if I needed the week off. I'm not good at healthy boundaries and self-care, but even I knew at that moment I needed time to process.

Still, I'm a workaholic at heart, so when I couldn't guarantee I could stay away from my work email, we agreed she should lock me out of it.

I went directly to the place that serves as God's throne room for me. The lake where this blog was born.

I called a friend who headed out to join me, but for an hour, I reveled in the uncharacteristically warm February weather. A slight breeze, clear skies, and fresh air surrounded me as I talked to Jesus and He walked along with me.

Hearing the raucous cry of a jay, I looked up and spied the fellow in the picture above.

I have long complained that blue jays don't like to pose for me - they flit about and make it nearly impossible to photograph them. This guy was different. He's somewhat hidden in the tree, but he sat for quite some time while I tried this angle and that to get a good shot.

Two days later, I headed out with a friend and our cameras to another favorite place, Grounds for Sculpture. Once again, a blue jay stayed put for an inordinate amount of time, allowing me to capture this image.

"I half wonder if God is allowing me to check little things off my bucket list because I'm not going to be around much longer."

It was the first time I voiced the unthinkable. That whisper of the enemy that tries to diminish our faith by growing our fears.

My friend immediately shot it down. "Maybe He's just showing you how much He loves you."

I recounted the story to my counselor a few days later. Her response was similar. "Perhaps He's encouraging you to be still. He's letting you know you don't need to do anything but observe and He'll show you His presence."

The NIV version of Psalm 46:10 reads "He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."

As I looked up other versions, the beginning of that verse reads "Cease striving", "Be in awe", "Let go [of your concerns]", "Let be."

All of those versions speak volumes to me.

I'm so grateful for the past week. For three days the weather held, but even when it didn't, I was given wonderful gifts. Time to breathe, time to reflect, time to listen to wonderful old hymns and new worship songs, time to drink in the sights and sounds of God's creation, time with a number of friends as we shared a meal and what was on our hearts.

The suggestion was made during the first round of cancer treatments that perhaps I had gotten sick because God was telling me to slow down.

I don't believe for a moment that God would deliberately inflict a deadly disease on me to get my attention. He has far more compassionate ways to chastise and teach than that.

He is the Great Physician, not the Great Afflicter. 

That said, He wastes none of our pain and suffering. He works all things together for those who love Him. He speaks to us in the midst of storms.

And He can use a normally flighty blue jay to say "Take your time and see me. I'm here. I'm staying put."

Be still, cease striving, be in awe, let go, let be...and know that I am God.

The Call You Never Want to Get

As soon as she said "I say this to everyone" my radar went up.

No, no, she doesn't.

No one has ever said that to me in the past 32 years.

"If everything is okay, they'll leave a message, otherwise, they'll tell you to call scheduling and set up further testing."

My birthday was Sunday and I had a great time having brunch and painting ceramics with a friend. When I went to bed that night, nothing was amiss.

But the next day, I retrieved a message. "Call scheduling."

I was nervous, but still, I had gone through a scare a number of years before. They thought they saw something on the x-ray that turned out to be a skin tag. Surely, this was just another one of those mistakes.

Except it wasn't.

A few days later, I went for a diagnostic x-ray. They told me to sit tight and wait to see if an ultrasound was needed.

It was.

The ground under my feet didn't feel too steady.

My nervousness was fast becoming annoyance that no one was saying what they saw or what they were looking for.

"Can you please clue me in on what's going on?"

"Sure" the radiologist responded. She flipped the screen around and pointed to something oval-shaped. "I think this is a fibroid tumor. See how it's not deep and the edges are defined? But this..." she moved the ultrasound ball to uncover a shadowy rectangle. "...this is deep and the edges aren't defined. It's very suspicious. You need to see a breast surgeon."

I ceased to hear what she said after that.

"Are you okay? Do you have any questions?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. No questions."

The truth is, I had a million questions. Not for her, but for God. "Why?" was chief among them.

Not so much why me - cancer is no respecter of persons, and loving God is no guarantee of a problem-free life. It was more like why now, why another cancer? I was still dealing with trying to get my brother on disability and still didn't know if my lymphoma from last year was in remission.

I didn't feel like I could handle another battle.

A verse I discovered about eight years ago when I was going through my divorce came to mind.

Exodus 14:14. The Lord Himself will fight for you, just stay calm (NLT). As so often happens when God wants me to hear Him, I began to see the verse in numerous places.

I sponsor a child through Compassion International. I opened a letter from her written just days later. In it, she shared her memory verse. Exodus 14:14.

A friend posted a picture of Jesus, shield up, filled with incoming arrows, protecting a woman lying at His feet - a brunette, like me. The caption? Exodus 14:14.

And then there was that discussion I wrote about in God Told Me You're Wrong. It was about choosing to meditate on the noun Presence instead of the verb Seek. Action wasn't required - only a state of being. Being calm. Being in His presence. Jesus had the verb covered. He will fight for me.

As the days have passed, there have been more tests, more doctors, more less than happy results. There's a battle up ahead, but I'm giving it to God. I'm trying to stay present in His presence.

Satan is unleashing every sneaky trick in his arsenal to upset me. He's not using the illness, but people in my life who trigger stress. I refuse to engage. No weapon formed against me can prosper because the Lord Himself is fighting for me.

It's easier for me to write about this than talk about it. There have been more than a few tears. It's new, raw, and in some ways still, not quite real. I'm not ready to answer a million well-meaning questions about the journey just started, but I felt like this much I could share.

I know I'm not alone in walking this road. Far too many have gotten the dreaded call and found their lives turned upside down with one word - cancer.

But as I read somewhere, cancer's not the Big C, Christ is.

This is my prayer for all of us...just stay calm, breathe in His presence. The Lord Himself - Maker of heaven and earth, King of Kings, Prince of Peace, Jehovah Rapha - is fighting on our behalf.

And if God is for us, who can be against us?


God I Look To You